[vanessaG]

I just sent an email to T that I quit.
It was kinda long & I explained the reasons I quit. Particularly that our relationship isn't real and it's all fueled by $ which is fake.

I don't know this is crazy I know but I don't know what to do anymore. Sorry I haven't been as active as usual Ive just been trying to deal w/ so much. I really just wanna lay here in bed & never leave.

I don't know what T is gonna say. I don't think my email was rude...it was real but it will probably come out of nowhere since our sessions have been going smooth for a couple weeks

It's like whenever something is going smooth I gotta do something to mess it up.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by vanessaG

I just sent an email to T that I quit.
It was kinda long & I explained the reasons I quit. Particularly that our relationship isn't real and it's all fueled by $ which is fake.

I don't know this is crazy I know but I don't know what to do anymore. Sorry I haven't been as active as usual Ive just been trying to deal w/ so much. I really just wanna lay here in bed & never leave.

I don't know what T is gonna say. I don't think my email was rude...it was real but it will probably come out of nowhere since our sessions have been going smooth for a couple weeks

It's like whenever something is going smooth I gotta do something to mess it up.

Does this mean you are giving up on the whole concept of therapy?

[ECHOES]

This is the new T ?

[vanessaG]

No this is the one Ive been seeing for 7 months.

Idk now. T called & left a warm message and then emailed me to follow up at end of workday that hopes he sees me tomm. I said I'm not going but he obviously is saving the time slot for me so idk if I should go now. Ahhhh I'm so so confused.

[growlycat]

"I am paid for my time and expertise......my love, however, is free. It can't be bought"
-----------quoting my T in a similar situation, where I quit too
............still seeing him 18 yrs later.

[vanessaG]

That's nice of your T to say growlycat.
My T in his mssg, just said he understands how I'm feeling and the usual about the therapeutic relationship..how it's diff. He said he needs to maintain certain boundries blah blah.
He then emailed me at end of the day saying how he hopes to see me tomm & in another lifetime he would for sure be a real friend to me, but now he can only be my therapist...

Both were warm messages ...for him esp but I don't know if I'm going to go tomm or not. I guess I'll see how I feel when I wake up tomm. Thank u

[growlycat]

He may find a yet warmer way to express the same thing, eventually. My T said similar bs about boundaries but eventually found a more eloquent way of saying what is essentially the same thing.

Vanessa, did you go to T.? with the time difference I can't be sure whose today is yesterday or tomorrow? I hope you went. Its always best to talk it over with T in person. Let us know how you are doing.

[vanessaG]

Hi readytostop, I did end up going. He didn't seem suprised I was there this morning either!
We actually had a very real and great session and I feel soooo much close to him now. He said that he does care, but in a theraputic relationship kind of way, he does look forward to seeing my everyweekend too but unfortunatley friendship is different than this theraputic relationship we got going on.
I told him I'm very concerned that one day he will disappear. Not die, but kind of terminate me not in the proper way and that scares me to death and does not want to make me open up. He said he would never and Any therapist that does that is unethical and he couldn't understand why a T would even act that way but also reminded me there are 2 sides to every story.
He said he believes I am testing him, possibly trying to reject him before I think he's going to reject me and he said everyone in my life that I have even 10% tried to open up to has left my life so why would I expect any different with him. He said its getting to the point now in our therapy that I AM really really beginning like opening up, and I'm trusting him a LOt more these days and I can also see a BIG difference in him. He seems more invested in me, and that he cares more. I felt really good during session, I wanted it to last longer.

Something is weird though. I don't know if it's transference or what. It's not sexual, but I want more time with him. Like I would love if we could just hang out and watch a movie together or Something like that. I want to email him tonight and ask what's he doing but I won't. I don't even necissarly want to talk about just me, I would love a friendship w/ him and to be part of his life.

But yeah all in all it went well. I'm glad I went....it seems the more I'm sticking with this he keeps showing me more and more of him that I need )

Originally Posted by vanessaG

But yeah all in all it went well. I'm glad I went....it seems the more I'm sticking with this he keeps showing me more and more of him that I need )

I'm so glad for you. It is so hard to go when we don't want to but most often it is the most helpful time to go. IMO, I wouldn't worry to much about the feelings. I think they are normal and are just feelings...not something that needs to be acted on... and its not the feelings that matter so much as what we think about them... and as always you could discuss them with your T.

Proud of you for going....