[mixedup_emotions]

Had my T session yesterday....and we talked about me feeling jealous in group T and my process....How I tend to feel a strong painful emotion...then go through the process of feeling unlovable, disposable, etc....get angry and then shut down.

We talked about how this was a survival tactic from when I was younger in dealing with my parents love for my sister....and their hatred towards me. It's an old behavior that's no longer serving me. Blah, blah, blah.

T was so thrilled. He said that if he had party hats and streamers, he'd be using them right now. He was pointing out that it was a huge accomplishment to have this awareness.

I was having a very hard time with it. I told him that I wasn't celebrating. I felt awful. He understood, but stressed that it was my process that was worth celebrating.

Hard for me to separate the two.

Later, I emailed T saying only two words - SO sad. He responded, "I know you are. I am here."

Typically, those words would be soothing and comforting to me. But I just responded, "The reality is - you're not".

He is not here. He is only "here" 45 minutes each week....I am alone with these awful feelings the other 10,000+ minutes of the week. And it just sucks. Facing reality sucks. Sitting with the young, painful feelings and the reality of what was and what is....sucks.

[CantExplain]

Therapy is a series of battles, and victory feels no better than defeat.

But you are moving forward none the less.

[karebear1]

Mue- your post makes me sad. I relate so heavily to it.

[granite1]

i wish i knew what to say.your emotions are so understandably strong.i know that having insight into why you feel a particular way doesnt alway make anything feel better but it does kind of open up a window for the ability of healing to start.at least i hope.i sux i know

[WikidPissah]

(((MUE))) Sorry you are so sad. It is hard to process this crap during the week on our own. And this child stuff is the worst. Do something nice for yourself.

[SpiritRunner]

Insight hurts, the process of insight hurts, dealing with what to do with the insight hurts. But the positive is that you are having the insight, rather than just maybe being in pain without knowing why or having given up the struggle to learn and grow and heal.....
My heart goes to you.

[googley]

(((((((((((MUE)))))))))

I am sorry you are in so much pain. The realization about the situation and the insight gained can still hurt. It still hurts even though you know the reason something is happening. But I think that the first step to changing something is understanding why it is happening. That is why your T is celebrating, that because you are one step closer to being able to feel better, even though it still hurts. The realization doesn't remove the pain. I wish it did.

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks, everyone....((( HUGS )))

I hate that it has to be so painful...and embarrassing.

Like, for this one little situation.....I have the feelings of jealousy.....the anger that T gave someone else something that he doesn't give to me....the feelings of being unlovable, repulsive and worthless....the reminder of my childhood and the pain I endured....and T focusing on celebrating this oh-so-freakin-awesome discovery without acknowledging any of the pain...or even taking any ownership of what set off those feelings in the first place.

*sigh*

It's hard to celebrate right now, ya know?

And I am having a hard time imagining that my process will change when it comes to strong painful feelings. I'm curious to know how others handle their feelings of jealousy.