[granite1]

i know i have started a lot of post lately i am just having a real hard time and my T is away(Probably part of the reason) but it isn't just that i am just in such a bad place.I'm SI badly and i am so so just feeling empty.i am not even talking to my hubby much at all .I'm just hiding in my craft room i don't want him seeing the SI.i feel like such a failure. I seem to be so numb i am completely stuck.anyway sorry again just ranting.i wish i could feel better.i just made things worse by SI in the way i did.i cant hide it very well.I'm trying but i am scared my hubby will see it..i don't want to talk to him or anyone.i said some things to T that are terrifying me.like i only wanted her to know what i was thinking i hate that i said that to her and it is scaring me way to much.i don't have a clue why.and her saying a few weeks ago the stuff going on with my son isn't about me and don't make it about me etc...that i guess the word here would be triggered me so much and i can't get over it.it is causing me to have bad nights and everything and not want to talk in T anymore.but I'm terrified to say anything to her .she will say I'm stupid and things arn't the way i see them.that my thoughts are not real..sorry rant.god i am so confused these days.

(((((granite))))
I'm so sorry. I don't have any wise words, but I want you to know I am thinking of you. You are not a failure. You are not stupid. You just aren't.

I'm so sorry its so hard. I wish I could make it better for you. You are not stupid at all. You are a valuable member of this forum with lots of good things to say.

[CantExplain]

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time.

Stupid question, but how is it possible hide SI from your husband? Doesn't he see your scars on a daily basis?

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Stupid question, but how is it possible hide SI from your husband? Doesn't he see your scars on a daily basis?

If all husbands were as attentive as you, DocJohn and a lot of other T's might have to find REAL jobs!

And a hug for you, granite I know you're working out some wisdom in your little room there.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time.

Stupid question, but how is it possible hide SI from your husband? Doesn't he see your scars on a daily basis?

i pmed you.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by hankster

If all husbands were as attentive as you, DocJohn and a lot of other T's might have to find REAL jobs!

And a hug for you, granite I know you're working out some wisdom in your little room there.

it is amazing what most will not see if they choose not to.i don't want to leave my little room at al hankster.

[unaluna]

I hear you, granite. every week I go see T, and for the days I see him, I think, this weekend will be different, i'll do this and this and get this done - but every weekend is the same, nothing gets done. five minutes after I leave him, i'm alone again, same thing. I think I just always have to say i'm okay, or else.
ETA: what I meant to say is, i'm sorry, I guess i'm not much help, i'm kind of in the same boat? only I see the glass as half full, you see it as half empty, but we're both thirsty for a full glass. that's stupid I don't know what i'm saying.

[mixedup_emotions]

((((( granite ))))))

I just read your post, and I'm sorry you're hurting. One of the things that my T tries to get me to do - and what he's SO happy about from my last session - is to try to step back from the feelings and look at my process.

Like, when I am triggered by a strong emotion, what is the string of emotions and thoughts and actions that follow.....I believe it would be a valuable exercise for you, but I also know it's incredibly difficult to do when the emotions are SO strong and you're in the thick of it.

One thing that struck me is that you said that your T will say you're stupid. Do you really believe she will say that?

There is truth to the notion that things are not always what they seem. Based on our life experiences, etc., we tend to assume things - and then our emotions spiral out based on a thought that may not be accurate.

I can also relate to having all these painful feelings and not understanding why....it's frustrating, confusing and oh-so-painful....((( HUGS )))

[Snuffleupagus]

I'm really sorry to hear you're in pain granite. With regard to T telling you things aren't the way you see them, sometimes I am soooo relieved to be wrong especially when I am in the depths of a depression and the distortion of my thoughts is apparent to everyone but me. But when I think the world is sh it, and I'm sh it, and other people are sh it, it is such a relief to be wrong and have someone tell me I am.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

((((( granite ))))))

I just read your post, and I'm sorry you're hurting. One of the things that my T tries to get me to do - and what he's SO happy about from my last session - is to try to step back from the feelings and look at my process.

Like, when I am triggered by a strong emotion, what is the string of emotions and thoughts and actions that follow.....I believe it would be a valuable exercise for you, but I also know it's incredibly difficult to do when the emotions are SO strong and you're in the thick of it.

One thing that struck me is that you said that your T will say you're stupid. Do you really believe she will say that?

There is truth to the notion that things are not always what they seem. Based on our life experiences, etc., we tend to assume things - and then our emotions spiral out based on a thought that may not be accurate.

I can also relate to having all these painful feelings and not understanding why....it's frustrating, confusing and oh-so-painful....((( HUGS )))

no she probibly wont say im stupid i just feel that way i guess .but she makes me feel like nothing is real when she starts saying that how i am seeing things may not be accurate.i know how i feel and right now it is so so numb and detached from everything.i cant talk to her .i can hardly deal with talking to my husband.it isn't getting any better at all.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Snuffleupagus

I'm really sorry to hear you're in pain granite. With regard to T telling you things aren't the way you see them, sometimes I am soooo relieved to be wrong especially when I am in the depths of a depression and the distortion of my thoughts is apparent to everyone but me. But when I think the world is sh it, and I'm sh it, and other people are sh it, it is such a relief to be wrong and have someone tell me I am.

how does she convince you it isn't

[granite1]

Originally Posted by hankster

I hear you, granite. every week I go see T, and for the days I see him, I think, this weekend will be different, i'll do this and this and get this done - but every weekend is the same, nothing gets done. five minutes after I leave him, i'm alone again, same thing. I think I just always have to say i'm okay, or else.
ETA: what I meant to say is, i'm sorry, I guess i'm not much help, i'm kind of in the same boat? only I see the glass as half full, you see it as half empty, but we're both thirsty for a full glass. that's stupid I don't know what i'm saying.

my husband says for me the glass doesn't even seem to exsist.but i do know about feeling so alone and i don't know what i want.i guess on some level it would be to be around people who care about me and for me to trust that that is the truth and right now i dont at all

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by granite1

no she probibly wont say im stupid i just feel that way i guess .but she makes me feel like nothing is real when she starts saying that how i am seeing things may not be accurate.i know how i feel and right now it is so so numb and detached from everything.i cant talk to her .i can hardly deal with talking to my husband.it isn't getting any better at all.

granite--i know you've felt like this before. I really really like your T, and I trust she will slowly keep earning your trust. And I will keep saying that she isn't trying to say that what you're feeling is nothing real. I think she is trying to show you a different way of thinking, of trying to get you to see your perceptions might not be accurate. That does NOT mean it isn't real--it just means that you are triggered from the past, and reacting to whatever awful abuse you endured. It feels like it is in the now, I totally understand that. I think what you (hopefully) will start doing is untangling that mess. Maybe you will understand that when you think your T will say "I am stupid," that you are being triggered because of feeling vulnerable and hearing your awful mother saying "Granite, you are stupid." Who wants to feel those things again?! NO ONE.

I trust you will keep chugging along. I am so sorry you are feeling so horrible. Keep posting here, because I hope we help a little.

[roads]

oh granite it just seems to have no answer huh?
I am so so sorry, I am sorry you are in your room feeling numb
and your T won't say you're dumb but it doesn't matter what she says or doesn't
because you're hurting so much.

Please keep posting granite. Some one of these days
you will say something and hear yourself and it will be what
you've been needing to hear.

*gentle hugs*
Roadie

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by granite1

she makes me feel like nothing is real when she starts saying that how i am seeing things may not be accurate.

Yes, I know that feeling. I usually ended up:

Well, I might be wrong, but it's better to be wrong that to have no idea at all. So I'll stick with my cognitive distortions until you can give me something more solid to work with.