I know what my problem is, so now what?

We didn't do EMDR today. I didn't feel so well and I was tired, plus I had some of my writing from the past to read to my T.

We determined that I want to connect deeply with people right away but they usually disappoint me. I'm impatient. I've "met" some new people through email recently but I'm already disappointed. They happen to be relatives and I thought I could jump in and be their close friends.

That's for sure the route to disappointment for me. My T compared that to my RL connections and how it's safer with these new people. Also, that it takes time to make that deep connection that I want.

The session was an example of that! I don't feel like we connected deeply for some reason. Maybe because we didn't do EMDR; I read some papers and we talked. So I'm disappointed and emailed already. I feel crummy about myself and what I want.

She asked, for next time we do EMDR, what the negative thought about myself was, and I said something about "I don't get what I want." She then asked "what do I want"? I said I want all the attention and love but that was selfish. My T said that it's not because somehow my Mom and I didn't mesh right, and I didn't get what I needed when I was a baby and child. That's old news so this time she added that my Dad probably had something to do with that too.

She thought it was MAJOR that I could have that visualization about the child and how I could take care of her. I said I almost didn't want to tell her because I didn't want her to think I didn't need her any more. She smiled at that.

We couldn't figure out what happened last session though she read her notes. I think it was about getting close to people and disappointment. Also feeling closer to her and feeling that she cares about me. She said "I DO care about you." I told her that some people on "my forum" say that you have to have the money aspect but that you don't care about me because of the money. She said that was an interesting way to look at it, and she agreed.

Still, I didn't feel so connected, maybe because it wasn't intense like when we do EMDR. We didn't hold hands or hug. She wanted me to hold onto feeling that she cared without it. Or, that could have been my idea.

I wanted to write this all out for support and also to realize that it wasn't a wasted session. They can't all be intense and deep the way I would like. It mirrored my life exactly, and why I'm disappointed so often.

Therapy is hard!!

I've thought a lot about disappointment.

I'm aiming for a place where I can still want things but not be gutted if I don't get them.
I think the key is to let some space grow between what I want and what I expect to get.
Easy to say...

Disappointment was my keyword in session today too. I disappoint myself every time I clean the kitchen, and then let it build up to a big mess again. In session I kept repeating the word disappointment over and over again. Get disappointed by my mother over and over again. (Now I do it to myself to have some control over it?) She was always mad and disappointed and expressed it every day. 16 years ago I started writing a play about my family - each act started with my mother complaining about the pasta - wrong shape, over or undercooked, over or undersalted, which was an argument that happened 2 or 3 times a week when I was growing up. I told T today - how could that happen? We're Italian! What Italian can't cook pasta?!

((rainbow)) There's disappointment and there's disappointment, at least for me. When I know what it's about, that's one thing. But there are times it is so vague, I don't understand what it's about, and that is very hard. Those kinds of sessions that are fine, nothing 'wrong' with them, but just feel "off" and not real connected, are very hard too. Sometimes I feel it happening during a session and it makes me try frantically to find that connection that feels really good, and bring that into the session. If I can't, I start to dread that I will leave there feeling awful. One reason that I can't make it happen is because outside of therapy I've had many disappointments and that affects how I am connecting in therapy - or not. I don't usually see it as something coming from me, but as something coming to me from outside me, and not reaching me. When my therapist points that out now, I can see it (previously I couldn't) but I can't always do anything about it. Not that she's expecting me to, we're just noticing what is happening.

It is hard when our expectations, and exuberance, don't match the other's. But maybe it can be different without being disconnecting?

Hi Rainbow,

I'm sorry you didn't feel as much connection on your session this week. Some sessions are just that way. I don't like when it happens either!

Do you think one of the reasons it didn't feel as connecting was because this week, you were practicing trying to hang onto a close feeling with your t without the hug or handhold? I think it's great that you're trying to do that. Once you can hold onto her caring, you will be able to carry it inside you and feel it for longer and longer periods of time.

I don't have any advice about disappointments. I wish i did! I get disappointed often with people too. My h has told me that my expectations for other people are too high. Could that be the case with you?

Like you, I enjoy deep conversations that are not superficial. But one thing i am learning is that many people are uncomfortable jumping into emotional or deep topics. They like to keep things "light." That can be disappointing when you want to go deeper. But it's often necessary with relationships to start small, building on a foundation of "safe" topics, and letting the intimacy grow slowly.

it seems that you need a large amount of intensity in your relationshipe.have you talked to your T about why.not about the disapointment but why you crave that intensity.i seem to do this also and think it may be because i am so closed off and numb from other people to protect myself that i need that intensity to feel any relationship or connection.IDK just a thought

I feel like that too, about needing the depth/intensity. Most people are not so able/willing to share that so often......sometimes, but not often. Whereas I love to sit with someone I trust/care about and talk about really deep, philosophical, intellectual/spiritual, intense stuff......I feel connections without that, but they don't feel as real or as satisfying because they feel more shallow and superficial. I want emotional intimacy.....and yet, yes, I fear it just as intensely as I desire/need it.....because I don't want to be that vulnerable with an unsafe person....and quite frankly, many people who are safe enough for small talk/small revelations are not safe enough for the deep, deep talks/soul-knowing that I want. so then I feel lonely, disconnected and dissatisfied because it's not as much as I want......when really, I need to remind myself, connections/caring are real even when there doesn't seem to be the depth and intensity I think there has to be to prove the connection is real and rooted and not about to wither up and blow away!
Anyway, I think that the fact you are aware of this desire and why there is disappointment in some of your relationships is very good.....you seem to understand it and be able to handle it better. you ARE making progress. (((rainbow)))

sorry you are disappointed rainbow!

Good work Rainbow!! I'm thinking that you want the "fast food route to intimacy".

Yes, that's what I need to do--lower my expectations. Thank you.

I'm sorry your Mom disappointed you so much, hankster. Yeah, I'm feeling extremely disappointed right now too. Thanks for sharing.

ECHOES, I agree with everything you said, especially this last part about our expectations not matching others. I also try to have that connection happen but I can't control it. Thanks.

I'm not sure if my expectations of others is too high, but probably they are. I have to realize that they have their own lives and interests; I'm not the top priority for others. Yes, I try to "jump into" intimacy, sometimes, though usually that's via email, not in person, instead of letting it grow slowly. Thanks, peaches.

granite, I think your directions are working. I hope!! Thanks SO much.
Yes, I do crave intensity but I'm not sure why. Maybe it makes the relationship seem more real. I was told that people with BPD like intensity. Wanting intensity and connection, then getting disappointed so often is not a good mix at all.

Thanks, spiritrunner. Everything you wrote is what I feel. You captured it exactly--the needs, the wants, the frustrations about not getting it.

Thanks, Wiki.

Sannah, yes that's true. I want it but I'm also afraid of intimacy. Push, pull, intensity, fear, depression.

I empathize completely with you rainbow. This intimacy stuff is HARD!!!

i was talkign to my T today about my mom and how she has no sense that other people don't need as much emotional connection than she does. The T said "That was very insightful, so you can see that your mom can't separate herself and her way of thinking from others. That is a child part that has been wounded from her childhood."

That made me think about you, does any of that resonate?

Thank you, Velcro. Actually your Mom sounds a little like me and your T sounds like my T! I do realize that other people's needs are different from mine but I need the emotional connection. Others don't need it so I get disappointed. That makes sense. My T is always saying "it's a very young part who didn't get what she needed". I wanted the emotional connection but I didn't get it the way I wanted it. I think it's because I was too shy to ask for what I needed.