so much said in silence

thanks wikidpissah.it is terrifying.how are you doing i know you have been having a problem with T being late i hope you will have the opertunity to talk about this.i know it is hard .

this morning i am trying not to give in to the unbelievably cynical part of me.yesterday i wrote about so much bad about yesterdays session,this morning i want to write about what i see now as good.you guys have no idea how much you have helped me see this.sometimes i just see so much bad.

i walked in and instantly felt she hated me and didn't want to be around me.the only proof i have of this is the placement of the chair in the room and her being silent.thats it.there could have been many reasons for the chair placement.

she really didn't freak out at all about anything i said.it seemed OK with her.she didn't get mad or anything.she really understood how i was feeling .but she didn't try to take it away from me or say it wasn't real.she believed me.

she didn't yell at all or anything she made it OK i think.she said the part of me that wants everything to be about me is the part that keeps me coming to see her that part is OK and not bad at all.that part has hope.i don't understand how anyone thinking someone acting like that is good.

she didn't get repulsed at my answer when she asked me if i was still SIing.i was so scared she would gross out and say she wont work with me or want me to stop.she didn't it was OK she seemed to understand.WOW so not what I'm use to.

she wants me to come back,even after all this horribleness.maybe she wont get all mixed up in the horribleness that i am

thank you to everyone who is sharing this all with me it cant be easy to read all this i'm sorry i'm being so long winded these days

I'm glad you could see the good in it.

And you're NOT horribleness.

Granite I am SO excited for you after reading your post of good things. You are changing in front of our eyes. (in a good way! A GREAT way!!)

I am glad she responded well to you.

((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))) I think you are so brave hun, i know your t will help you with this. I too self harm. ((((((((Hugs)))))))))) im so glad you reached out to her.

granite, you were so brave and honest; I see a lot of growth in you too!
and I think your T really really cares about you and respects your courage and honesty. it really sounds like she is reaching out to you/reaching you, and I love that.....she is accepting you as you and wanting to help you with the scary parts in you.

also, I do understand about SI too.....I used to whack myself in the head with my fists whenever I got angry with myself......but now I have learned to take deep breaths, etc, to settle myself down....or go do something physical, like run. that helps with the powerful energy/impulse of the angry feelings.

Good work granite! You are moving forward in therapy. You might not like it, that is normal.

Normality sucks.

can someone pleas tell me how any of this is normal?how is it moving foward?right now today i can't see it.it would really help if someone could tell me.i am feeling really down today and nothing in my life seems normal or to be moving in any direction at all.some days i just cant funtion at all and this is one of them.i guess it is an ok day because i am just to overwelmed to even want to SI.i just want some hope some way to see how anything my T is doing right now is helping me in the long run because it feels horrible and i don't want to be mad at her.i wan't to believe she is helping me

hey granite. have you reread your OP? Did you notice anything unusual about what YOU said? (T says I might be a little too blunt on here, so...)

it is ok to blunt hankster pleas explaine more ok.i reread my op and want to delete it.i wish i had a delete button for my life or how about are fresh.

There is so much in your post, I wanted to focus on just a part of it. That sounds like the mother talking at the beginning. It's strawberry swirl cheesecake brain, where parental stuff is all mixed up in yours. T says compassion can fix it, take the swirl out of the cheesecake. sounds completely crazy, but that's my story and i'm sticking to it.

ok hankster believe it or not i get the cheesecake

Finally somebody understands me!

granite, the stuff that happened to you while you were growing up was horrible. That stuff is inside you right now. It has to come out. What your T is doing with you right now is helping you to get that stuff out. Yes, it was horrible when it happened and it will be horrible coming back out. It is moving forward, though. It won't feel good. It is like the horrible medicine or treatment that people have to endure to get better like chemotherapy, etc.