my session yesterday...

Well, I had my first session yesterday since spring break, and since committing to continuing with therapy. And...it kind of sucked. I came in with goals. Commitments to myself. To be honest with myself what is going on. To be able to experience my emotional self. But from the start, i got off track. Was approached by a chatty cathy in the waiting room, which is where I usually have an opportunity to gather my thoughts. there are usually 5-8 people waiting at a time since it is fairly large practice. As soon as I got in my T immediately asserted that I seemed nervous and wanted to know why.(I'm usually moderately anxious but am careful not to let it show). Then T asked what I thought we should talk about, which is so hard for me to answer. I just kind of reviewed some of my goals and experiences over the past 2 weeks. Then he got a puzzled look and said something was different about me but he couldn't figure out what. Said I seemed more internal, withdrawn. This crushed me. I said I was trying not to be that way. I struggled constantly to find all the ways that I feel therapy is helping me. to point out my successes. acknowlege my anger, to which he wanted me to feel the anger, to put a face behind it. I told him I couldn't. tried to talk about not pushing my problems away anymore. and he was trying to let me let it out, without prodding me. I talked about the thing that had bothered me most, came close to crying, then he had a "light bulb" moment. He said he finally figured out what was different. He sensed internal sadness. I wanted to disappear. It may be true, but I am generally happy. I still deny that. he can sense it and wants me to hear it i know. as we wrapped up, he said there was something we should talk about. I wondered what that mean, then he asked me my summer plans. If they had changed. I said no, taking online classes, won't be on campus to be able to continue with therapy. he then proceeded to nearly "beg" me to come to therapy this summer. to find a way, any way to do it. I was shocked, taken off guard. didn't see it coming at all. As I went on with my day, I grew increasingly angry. 2 weeks ago he wouldn't give me any sign of what I should do over the next 6 weeks. but now, now he thinks i need a whole summer of this crap. It made me feel like i had just been heaped on that I am in bad shape. I continue to feel ever since then that I wish T would just be completely honest with me. Tell me everything he thinks about me, and my issues and problems. Because I downplay them, but wonder inside if they are worse. I just want to fall apart and scatter the pieces and pick up the ones I can handle. So tired of the rollercoaster I am on

I have no words of advice , but I wanted to acknowledge the perdicerment your in and say I hope you choose to do what you feel is best for you.

sometimes i don't like it when t doesn't say to come back, make me feel like i am not wanted there

i also get scared whenever he tells me i need to come on a more regular basis. makes me think he actually cares, but scary all the same

sending safe hugs

Can you just ask him to be point blank honest with you?

Sounds like you want to be perfect and when he brought up any issue that he was seeing in you, you got defensive?

Totally. Although I can't even be defensive, it just tears me apart. And I know T says things sometimes just to see how I react, so it must be frustrating to him when he does that I just shrug my shoulders and act like I really don't care. But then I leave and it absolutely kills me.

Do you understand this reaction in yourself?

It is just part of me trying to avoid the pain that he is trying to access deep inside.

Are you going to work on it next time in session?