[granite1]

i have T on Wednesday.last session i said way more then i ever wanted to say and i have spent the week for the most part hiding ,sleeping when i can with the help of pills, coming here to distract.i am so humiliated and feeling scared to even think about going to T.i want to go to see if she is OK,if she hates me,thinks i am completely disgusting, if she wants to tear me apart.if last week was just in my head.in a few sentences she learned more about who i am and how i think then in the few years i have been going to see her.she saw the depth of my self loathing and how i still SI. she seemed to be OK with this knowledge .i mean she didn't say that i was completely revolting and made her totally sick.i did think the world was going to come crashing down around me.I'm still kind of waiting for that to happen maybe it will happen Wednesday.she didn't freak out either. the problem is i don't trust it.as much as i want to go i am scared of the very same things. i don't trust it at all. i want her to be the same T before last session .i want her to be OK ,not angry,quiet,staring T.who wishes i would just die and thinks i am a huge wast of space and her time. i want her to forget everything i said so badly.what if she says i need to see someone else.if she does I'm done.i wont see anyone else . i know i probably deserve her to hate me but i just want things to be OK.I'm scared

how do you all go back when things are so bad

[mcl6136]

boy I sure understand the hiding and sleeping part. Confession: I went home in the middle of the day and slept. T tomorrow...don't think it is a coincidence.

Hang in there. You somehow find yourself there.....don't forget: yard by yard life is hard, inch by inch life's a cinch.

You have come so far.....you have a lot emotionally invested here. Keep posting cause we support you!

MCL

[bluemountains]

(((granite)))
With your words she is better able to help you heal. I know it is hard and scary! I also know that she could never be mad at you.
Bluemountains

[granite1]

i hate my words.i really do and right now i hate my T.i hate her for making me use my words.i want to write or e-mail like everyone else.it isn't fair.i don't think i did anything wrong.so i dont use my words what is so wrong with writing or e-mail .i never got angry when she didn.t respond to my e-mail or anything.i did get upset when she sent my letter back to me unread but i didnt let her know at all i didn't say anything.right now making me use my words is stupid and impossible.i hate her

[SpiritRunner]

granite, I'm so sorry using your words is so hard. of course, it's going to feel painful to you ....... but really, you ARE being brave, doing the right thing in learning to use them, and your T, even though you're mad at her right now for pushing you some to use them, is doing the right thing for you, too.
and you're making progress....I see you using your words and perceiving your feelings/thoughts and what's going on in you much better here than you did last year!
if your T thought you were revolting or any of the other words you used, would she have kept working hard with you to help you all this time? your T is trying hard.

[rainbow8]

granite, the healing aspect of therapy is that we tell our Ts what we think are terrible, disgusting, awful things about ourselves and then our T simply accepts us and show us that we are none of those things we thought. It takes time for it to sink in. Your T will have to earn your trust very slowly. But, believe me, she does not think you're disgusting at all. She is probably very proud that you have started to use your words.

There are times when I have told my T things that I thought were terrible, and wondered how I could go back and face her. She said that the only way I can get better is if I'm honest with my feelings. Our Ts want to help us. That's all they want. They don't want to judge or criticize us.

Even though some of us are allowed to email our Ts, in no way does that replace talking face to face with them. I know how hard using your words is for you. It will get easier as time goes on.

[CantExplain]

I'm going to hug you until you feel better.

((Granite))
((Granite))
((Granite))

[mixedup_emotions]

((((( Granite )))))

I can relate to what you're going through. It is so much easier for me to write and email....but T doesn't want me doing that....so I'm not.

I understand what my T is trying to do....and I'm sure his theory is, the discomfort of sitting with the feelings without expressing them has to exceed the discomfort of using words.

Without that outlet, though, I find myself shutting down wayyyy too easily....because it's too hard to find the words and fight the struggle within me to get the words out.

*sigh* SO hard....

((( HUGS )))

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by granite1

i hate my words.i really do and right now i hate my T.i hate her for making me use my words.i want to write or e-mail like everyone else.it isn't fair.i don't think i did anything wrong.so i dont use my words what is so wrong with writing or e-mail .i never got angry when she didn.t respond to my e-mail or anything.i did get upset when she sent my letter back to me unread but i didnt let her know at all i didn't say anything.right now making me use my words is stupid and impossible.i hate her

I hear your pain, and I understand.

GENTLE TEASING:

But your T is correct. You have to say the words out loud to break the evil spell. That's just the way magic works.

Seriously, speaking the words is necessary. It's the only way to dissolve the shame: by feeling it. And that's what you are doing now. Sorry.

[Sannah]

Granite, it seems that you are afraid that your T is going to reject you if/when she sees what you have inside? She wouldn't be in this business if that was possible. This is what you have to do to get better. She isn't going to reject you.