Ever since I started Therapy about 10 months ago, my Wife has been having issues with me. She hated my first T and when we split, my wife was happy. Then I found another T and its going well but she keeps asking what we talk about and I hate it but its her sometimes and I dont care to share that.
Its like I am just now "seeing" just how unevenly yoked this relationship is. In the past I self medicated to mask my emotion so it didnt matter. Now I am no longer doing that and I find myself realizing that this entire relationship, I was the one who gave.... and was rarely given too. I guess I am finally at a point that I want to stick up for myself, I should matter too. It shouldnt always be about the kids and grandkids. There are needs that she is not meeting for me and may have never met for me. Yet, I do everything for her. I wonder what the divorce rate is for people in Therapy?
All this rambling is because she really hurt my feelings yesterday and I have to tell someone. She went to work, I was at home been throwing up since 3am. She text me at 9 asked if i went to work. I said no. Then she says she knows im sick but cant understand why, like its my fault. Then when she comes home, no call to see if i need meds or drinks etc. She comes home, takes a bath and fixes herself something to eat....she speaks maybe 2 words to me. We end up sleeping in seperate rooms because my sadness turns to anger pretty quick and I am too sick to argue. She has always been angry if I get sick...and it drives me crazy. How can you say you love someone with all of your heart and then when they need you , you refuse to help in a nice way. I bend over backwards for her. I pamper her and wait on her hand and foot, as is my nature....but God forbid I need her. I think it has always been this way but without a numbing agent , I think ill see it more clearly now and I honestly dont think I can continue my life this way. She loves me as long as I am healthy, going to work , bringing home money and am willing to do what she wants to do when she wants to do it. Last T helped me convince her to stop gettting mad at me for spending money, as I am an adult and I make most of it. Anyone else have marriage issues regarding T or any self discovery through T that makes you question your partner?

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

Ever since I started Therapy about 10 months ago, my Wife has been having issues with me. She hated my first T and when we split, my wife was happy. Then I found another T and its going well but she keeps asking what we talk about and I hate it but its her sometimes and I dont care to share that.
Its like I am just now "seeing" just how unevenly yoked this relationship is. In the past I self medicated to mask my emotion so it didnt matter. Now I am no longer doing that and I find myself realizing that this entire relationship, I was the one who gave.... and was rarely given too. I guess I am finally at a point that I want to stick up for myself, I should matter too. It shouldnt always be about the kids and grandkids. There are needs that she is not meeting for me and may have never met for me. Yet, I do everything for her. I wonder what the divorce rate is for people in Therapy?
All this rambling is because she really hurt my feelings yesterday and I have to tell someone. She went to work, I was at home been throwing up since 3am. She text me at 9 asked if i went to work. I said no. Then she says she knows im sick but cant understand why, like its my fault. Then when she comes home, no call to see if i need meds or drinks etc. She comes home, takes a bath and fixes herself something to eat....she speaks maybe 2 words to me. We end up sleeping in seperate rooms because my sadness turns to anger pretty quick and I am too sick to argue. She has always been angry if I get sick...and it drives me crazy. How can you say you love someone with all of your heart and then when they need you , you refuse to help in a nice way. I bend over backwards for her. I pamper her and wait on her hand and foot, as is my nature....but God forbid I need her. I think it has always been this way but without a numbing agent , I think ill see it more clearly now and I honestly dont think I can continue my life this way. She loves me as long as I am healthy, going to work , bringing home money and am willing to do what she wants to do when she wants to do it. Last T helped me convince her to stop gettting mad at me for spending money, as I am an adult and I make most of it. Anyone else have marriage issues regarding T or any self discovery through T that makes you question your partner?

I split after therapy...sometimes I feel that my therapist egged me on and the split was a result of therapy, but then I check in with my heart and say...could you really have tolerated much more from your careless partner? And the answer is NO. Therapy accelerated the break and gave me shelter from the storm. In the end, it was the right thing to do. That doesn't mean it was easy. Therapy has a way of highlighting the fault lines, I think.

[Perna]

I don't think it's just questioning your partner; you are questioning you and your relationship to all your world and your partner just happens to be a large part of that!

I don't know why she gets mad at you when you are sick; that sounds like she has issues of her own. But I do know if I wanted/needed drinks or meds I would have texted her before she left work and asked her to pick up some of the way home? Your wanting to be taken care of when you are ill is a natural, even "healthy" want but expecting it from someone who has never experienced fulfilling that want for another (i.e., if your wife has always been catered to, she expects to be catered to, that is her experience! But, the opposite is not "obvious" or true, we have to be taught to check for other people's needs and if her mother never taught her that, to consider others, she literally does not know to do that!) is not likely to be successful.

Each of us has our own unique background and yet we often assume that those closest to us had the same background and experiences when they could not, because they are not us and did not have our parents or, if siblings, are a different age/sex/place in the family hierarchy than us, etc.

I still vividly remember when my husband and I were returning home from a grocery shopping expedition and I had my arms full of bags of groceries that were slipping and I desperately called out, "Open the door!" and he stopped in his tracks and told me not to order him around. I was so startled (we shared a similar background, both his and my father were retired naval officers and each of us have three brothers) I got curious as his response seemed so out of place in my view of things. We discussed it and I found he has a trigger around requesting versus imperative statements. I "should" have said, "Would you open the door for me please?" (never mind that the bags were slipping and I was desperate :-)

The discussion (I apologized for sounding so imperative and explained my emergency and wholeheartedly said I would try harder in the future to learn to request rather than "demand" his assistance) led to an even more interesting discussion about offering to help others and how he feels that offering to help rather than waiting until you are asked for help, feels condescending to him, as if you know whether or not the other person needs or wants your help more than they do. I love conversations like this with my husband and learning ways to view things different from the ways I was taught! I can now leave the toilet paper roll "empty" if I want, realizing that it literally does not "matter" if you change it when you are the last to use it or change it when you need it? My stepmother's whole training that it was being "thoughtful" of the next person. . . to change it when you were the last to use it is about the changer feeling good about themselves more than the facts; one does not know who is going to use the toilet next or how they feel; I'm now pretty sure my stepmother felt resentment if someone before her did not change the toilet paper for her when she was "next", LOL.

Your wife may or may not be willing to learn how you feel and how you were taught to do things and how you all are "different". I think it is one's duty to one's self though, to explore these things with another instead of just resent them because they don't do things the way we do/were taught? If your wife truly is selfish, does not want to work hard to learn ways to help you feel better, does not want to admit or look at and share why your illness makes her "mad" (or just learn you perceive it that way and change her behavior some so it does not distress you as much); some things can be easier/harder for a person to learn or share about themselves and other things are not our business to request change from another; but, overall, if she does not enter into conversation with you about your marriage and how the two of you can make it better, then yes, I can't see why one would want to stay in such a relationship?

Originally Posted by Perna

overall, if she does not enter into conversation with you about your marriage and how the two of you can make it better, then yes, I can't see why one would want to stay in such a relationship?

We have been together for 13 years. Within those 13 years, I was deathly ill 2 times. Both times she insisted I had the flu and was being a baby and convinced me to wait on medical treatment. The first time it was blood poisioning caused by a kidney infections and by the time I went to the doctors they called the ambulance to come get me. The second time, I finally drove myself to the doctor 2 days later and they sent me straight to the emergency room where they removed my appendix 3 hours later. She is not totally selfish....and if anyone else was ill she would pitchin and do whatever she had to do to make them feel better. Its just me....she gets mad at me when I am sick, I think its because I am supposed to be the strong one in the relationship, the male role and she, when I am sick she sees it as a weakness. I have tried to talk to her about it before, but she doesnt see it that way. I didnt text her because she usually calls me on her way home.....She liked me better before therapy because she had me trained...but now that I am seeing that I too should be important, im not so sure how this will all pan out. Even if I quit T, I already know that she does me wrong.

Lola, I am in a similar situation. My husband liked me MUCH better before therapy, when I was willing to accept that everything was my fault. Not sure that I have any great advice, I am just struggling with this as well.

As an aside though, I do sometimes get angry at my husband when he gets sick. However, unlike you, he does not cater to me when I'm ill. When I'm ill, he still expects me to keep making food for the kids, go to the grocery story and work, take out trash, whatever. When he is sick, even just with a cold, he's just incapacitated. He goes to bed and stays there, sniveling and whining and wanting everyone to wait on him. He says that I could not possibly have been as sick as him, or I wouldn't have been able to get out of bed. So, yeah, I get angry and I am not very sympathetic. I'm sure he gripes to his friends about me being mad at him because he's sick. But, that's us, and not you guys.

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

He says that I could not possibly have been as sick as him,

Thats how she is.....if she has the slightest anything, she is down and out and its way way way worse then anything I had or have, per her. I'm sorry you are struggling, this is really crappy and I hate it.

xT said people find each other for a reason, we meet each others needs. But we change as people and our needs change also, I need my needs met. Im not sure how much longer this realtionship will drag on, she would never leave me, as long as I sit back and letting her control me....but I cant live another 40 years being miserable either. Divorce scares me and the kids and grandkids...what a mess.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

Anyone else have marriage issues regarding T or any self discovery through T that makes you question your partner?

Therapy encourages you to re-examine all your relationships.

When I was reading how your wife neglects you when you are sick, I was thinking, "No one would find that unusual in a husband." That's just my personal reaction (as a man!).

Originally Posted by CantExplain

When I was reading how your wife neglects you when you are sick, I was thinking, "No one would find that unusual in a husband." That's just my personal reaction (as a man!).

I am sure that is more common place for a male to be that way, lack of empathy and emotion for others, from my perspective. I think relationships should be : treat others as you would like to be treated, unless your married to my wife.LOL

I second what mcl said. I thought that couples counselling would "save" my marriage. In fact, all it did was give each of us the personal fortitude to do what was really in our hearts to do. It hurt, but it was the Truth (with a capital T) for us. At least, I ended up with our t as my personal t so I guess I won in the end

Seems like you got some great feedback here. Now that I'm in therapy- I just all of a sudden started "calling" my husband on his stuff. Take for instance the other day- he always comes up from behind me to hug me or reach out for me and whenever he does that- I jump- its the same PTSD reaction every time he does it. He gets upset , feels rejected and walks away yelling at me about what I think he's gonna do to me- I finally told him that he knows by now that when he sneaks up from behind- Ill jump away and I'm tired of feeling bad because he feels rejected but he should know by now it startles me. And he stopped doing it. So being frank worked for me... And now I know that's how I gotta communicate with him. I might have went a bit off track- but just to give you an idea..

Originally Posted by TryinToGetBy

Seems like you got some great feedback here. Now that I'm in therapy- I just all of a sudden started "calling" my husband on his stuff. Take for instance the other day- he always comes up from behind me to hug me or reach out for me and whenever he does that- I jump- its the same PTSD reaction every time he does it. He gets upset , feels rejected and walks away yelling at me about what I think he's gonna do to me- I finally told him that he knows by now that when he sneaks up from behind- Ill jump away and I'm tired of feeling bad because he feels rejected but he should know by now it startles me. And he stopped doing it. So being frank worked for me... And now I know that's how I gotta communicate with him. I might have went a bit off track- but just to give you an idea..

Oddly enough I did something similar today and I think it worked. I did it because I am spiteful, not a great thing to be , but I am. Long story short she hurt me so bad yesterday, I emailed her and my eldest daughter the article " 7 things to do to ruin a relationship " with the comment , here is an interesting article I came across.

We emailed back and forth forever, she finally said that it sounded like her and she resented it. She came home and 2 double mojitos later, her not me I had 1 glass of wine, she and I were talking. It really opened her up and she admitted she has some issues with control etc.
Of course now she is laying in bed feeling terrible, and I have catered to her with food, drink, Ice pack, sleeping pill and bucket. and frequent visits.
Anyway, don't recommend my methods, but sometimes the madness just works.

I hope we continue to talk, she agreed she may even go with me to T.....

The song " ironic" by Alannis Morrisette is dancing through my head... Hmmm