Why can't I let my therapist sit close to me or touch me?

Excellent metaphor! I went from dying of thirst to being well-hydrated - now I find myself reaching a hand out to T, which I used to do before, but now it reaches him - before, and with previous T's, all I caught was air. I think I am feeling more grounded as a result, my weekends are not such a depressive wasteland as they have been.

My therapist did respond to my email. She tells me that I am attaching an 'unnatural' response to something that is 'natural'. In other words, taking a walk with her is a natural thing, but I am making it into a total anxiety ridden nightmare. She said to have some concern or uncomfortableness is normal, but when I take it to the level I do, that is where I need to stop and reevaluate what I am telling to myself.

When I think about it, I feel pain, fear, hurt, and want to cry. I want to turn away from her. I can't bear the thought of looking at her. Is this transference? If so, what is it that she represents? I don't have a clue!

Even if we were the only two people on the universe taking that walk, I would feel the same way, so it has nothing to do with being at the church. BTW~no one will even be at the church when I get there. Just the few people that I see all the time anyway, so she told me I didn't need to worry about that. I tried to explain to her that this whole big mess is about HER! I can't think about getting emotionally or physically close to her without panicking. It is bad!

When I read her email this morning, I was at school. It was all I could do not to cry right then and there. Why? because I was thinking about taking that walk with her. It is so stupid for me to feel this way. I know that it is. I just don't know WHY I am feeling this way. Why am I so afraid to get close to her? It sends me to tears everytime I think about it. I hate being this way!

I have been with her for two years. I really do like her and we get along well. There is no reason for me to be reacting this way. I am totally embarrassed that I even brought it up.

(I am the one who wanted to find another location. The musicians practice in the building we are in right now nd that can get distracting for me. It is my choice where we meet.)

Slight change of subject, but this triggered me.

There were months when (metaphorically) I was reaching out to T as far as I could go, and she was reaching out to me, and we just could not connect. That was one of the worst feelings I had in therapy. We were both doing our best, and we both knew it, but nothing was happening.

This led to a rupture. What else can you do when you're all ready doing your best?

And then there's another pain under that. Both with my T and with Bad Facilitator, I felt that they weren't acknowledging the depth of my distress at not connecting.