New therapist and new clinic

I can't cope with life anymore, I lost my therapist and was kicked out the clinic I went to why in the world would I want to continue with life? This is overwhelming...

I just finish coming out the psych ward for the second time for being a danger to myself. The first time I lost my therapist and the second time I lost my clinic. My old clinic decided to let me go and said "were done with him" I feel horrible. I now have to join a new clinic and get a new therapist, I don't want to start all over again. It's now going to be my fourth year trying !! I really loved my old therapist and old clinic but I ruin everything for myself I hate myself for this. I am my own worst enemy why can't I stop having negative thoughts and suicidal thoughts.

I talked to so many doctors and been to so many clinics that if you were you would give up trying. I know you guys are going to say go for it try the new clinic but I think I given up you have to be in my shoes to understand why, the old clinic and old therapist was perfect and my only chance in beating my depression, dissociation, anxiety and derealization.

I'm just writing this because I need someone to talk to. I have a appointment tomorrow with my new clinic and new therapist that I'm not looking forward too. I'm going to tell my new clinic and new therapist what I wrote above but I want to hear your guys advice and thoughts please share I really need it.

I'm so sorry that you lost your T and your clinic. It sounds like things are really rough for you right now. If there's no way to get your old T back, then you just have to go with the new one. Who knows? It might turn out that you really come to like them as much (or even more) than your old one. Yeah, I'd hate to start over too. Please don't give up. As miserable as it is right now, you just have to believe that it's going to get better.

I'm glad you came here, and please keep posting. Let us know how it goes tomorrow. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you.

I am sorry things are so rough right now. One of the few things I believe outright is that there is never just one source of help or only one chance of getting better. Good luck.

Good luck with your appointment; I hope it helps.

How did your appointment go?

The appointment almost landed me in the psych ward again for mentioning that I abuse nyquil to sleep because I don't want to be awake and describing suicidal thoughts.

She made it clear that I will never have my old therapist or old clinic back ! I don't know what to do...I don't feel like taking a risk and starting over just to get kicked out.*I don't want to die, but I feel like I have to I hate myself.

I miss my therapist she was the only person in the world who understood me now she's gone and I'm all alone. I keep abusing the sleeping pills and nyquil because I don't want to be awake. This situation isn't that big of deal I just don't want to continue with a new therapist who won't understand me and is only there for the paycheck

I don't feel safe in the states I think I need a vacation to the Dominican Republic to visit my father and ignore all my problems here in new york because I won't commit suicide while in vacation. The clinic I attend is really strict so I don't know what to tell them I'm done dealing with doctors-I need a break, but I think they won't allow it because I just joined.

You guys are all lovely people thank you for posting I wasn't going to reply back, but I guess I still need advice.

I decided that I'm not going to continue treatment.

I hope taking a vacation will give you a break and a new perspective. Please don't hate yourself - you suffered a big loss and it wasn't your fault. Please don't take it out on yourself. You need to heal from this loss and figure out what to do next. Getting away sounds like a good idea at this point.

Stay safe. And post here anytime. The door is always open

((MentallyIll))

Can you give us a bit more detail? I can't believe it was all your fault.
If psych clinics expect their patients to be calm and rational, they're in the wrong business.

FANTASY SIGN:

Psych Clinic
No crazies, please.

If I was you'd I'd quit thinking about it and go on vacation.

You could drink, sleep around, break some property, start a few fires.

Have a really, really good vacation. One to remember.

Then you'd have a new outlook. I'd quit thinking about shrinks until you've had a vacation.

The first time I was sent to the psych ward and lost my psychiatrist was because I told her I'm having suicidal thoughts and my negative thoughts were telling me that I need to leave her and this clinic, I was really stressed out and threatening suicide. She decided to send me in, the experience changed my life I was so happy I couldn't wait to work with her again but they decided that I couldn't work with her again. I wasn't going to stop treatment because of this but I was sad

Second time I was sent to the psych ward and lost my clinic was because I was so sad for losing my psychiatrist that I started to cry and started abusing alcohol, nyquil, sleeping pills and bunch of antidepressants. The effect got me really high, the high feeling lasted three days and triggered a psychotic episode (psychosis). I ended up sending her an email describing giving up treatment and suicide.

The crazy thing is that I couldn't remember sending that email and was sent to the psych ward once again for suicidal thoughts. The psych ward contacted my clinic and the clinic decided I can't be part of the clinic anymore ("were done him" and the clinic is a risk for psychosis clinic. I supposedly have psychosis after abusing the drugs above, I know I don't have psychosis but I don't care anymore I given up. They don't treat people who have psychosis only people who are at risk for it that's why I was kicked out.*As you can see it's all my fault I'm not normal, I'm currently still abusing nyquil and robitussin to get high because I can't take the pain.

The thing is that the clinic won't allow me to take vacation I think because I just joined and they're strict. Im stopping all treatment no more doctors for me for the rest of my life I give up I had enough. I'm taking a vacation to another country to see if I can live there for the rest of my life, I know it's dumb but I need to get away from the united states forever I'm a failure here.

I'm going to start a new life there to see if I like it there. get a job, get a girlfriend, start fresh with all my medical problems that I'm going ignore. I know it's stupid but you have to be in my shoes to understand I'm really desperate. It's either stay here and abuse nyquil or move to another country and try to become happy again with people who view as successful just because you're American and speak English. (Lol it's true)*

I need advice

I'm going to tell my old therapist this, I want to leave her alone and not look like a suicidal stalker annoying **** so I'm leaving her a voicemail. Is this ok?

"Hey it's Anonymous I'm just calling because I want you to ignore the last email I sent you someone already spoke to me about what's going on. ***(¥ I emailed her explaining why I was kicked out the clinic¥)

This is the last you'll be hearing from me I won't bother you ever again

Thank you for everything

Bye Dr Anonymous"

I'd be careful with the, "This is the last you'll be hearing from me I won't bother you ever again." They might think that was you admitting you're going to kill yourself.

I think a vacation is the better idea. Who knows maybe you may end up realizing that a change in scenery is for the best, and you'll really love your new location.

I just also know that you can't run away from you either. You're going to be going with you, whether you like it or not. I think you're building up the possibilities of a new life there, and in the end it could disappoint you and really hurt.

You know what I'd tell the clinic? Tell them there's a family emergency and you need to go see your dad for a few weeks. I'm sure you'd be able to take a vacation, just on the downlow. Tell them he's growing a third nipple or something.

I just know when I try to run away from things, they end up following me and it really hurts.

I
ImMentalltIll,
i lost the first T after several years. Crushed beyond imagination. Triggered memories of the past and being left behind. It has taken about seven years to get out of the funk losing her caused. Thank heavens, the Supreme being sent some wonderful people to help. i still have extreme separation anxiety, but...i have learned to trust again. If you go to another country you may discover it is even harder. Why not move to another state? or to a big city. Big cities have more resources than suburban communities.

i think a vacation may help, but it may not. The impact of losing your T is more likely than not to hit very hard while on vacation. The unstructured time often leads in negative directions. Perhaps you could visit someone?
Or perhaps you could volunteer at an animal shelter, to walk the dogs. The dogs would love it. You would be important to them....they have a wonderful way of helping.
If you cannot do any volunteer work any place, try doing something that you used to like to do. If once upon a time you like to paint...try painting something for the T even if you cannot give it to her...worry about how to get it to her later. Or if you always wanted to build an airplane or whatever, sign up for a class, before you can no longer function. If you can make a point to check in everyday here.
My world came crashing down when my T say good-bye over the phone. On top of that insurance did not want to pay for name brand medication...and school was forcing me to take a medical leave or fail the entire year. The S--- hit the fan and i was without my T had no references to other Ts. Two weeks of making phone calls and being told i was not accepted because of my insurance.....it all felt like rejection....i folded into myself and was hospitalized. Once released i did nothing for about a month. i saw my Pdoc twice a week. Eventually my Pdoc helped me find T number 2. A lot of good things happened as a result. Now i am on T number 3 because number 2 quit her job and moved an hour and a half away and only had one time she could see me. We are still friends. So the good-bye was very different and not painful. In the meantime Pdoc began helping again. i had the possible T's call my Pdoc instead of talking to me directly because while they might not be rejecting me it always felt like it. This would trigger a major depression. So...
What i am saying is i understand your pain. i understand wanting to run away. i understand being so very very alone. It does get better. This is just one of many bumps on the road of life. Everyone has them...bumps...the trick is not to let the bumps keep you from moving forward.
Wow! a long speech. i apologize. i just instantly felt connected to your story. Try to hold on and breathe deeply.