[CantExplain]

Hi guys!

I talked to my T about the email ban.

Some years ago, I had been sending large numbers of emails to my T, including steaming mounds of hate mail. My T said, "This has to stop!" Since then, I have sent only administrative emails, eg "I forgot to pay you" and "Can I have an extra session?"

T cut off my email privileges without any consultation. That was an exercise of power on her part. By that stage in our relationship I had already accepted that she was stronger than me, so that was not so much of an issue.

I also felt I was being punished. I figured that was OK because I deserved it. I had abused the privilege and broken the spirit of the rules. But the ban remains in force, so I felt unforgiven.

T admitted that she was hut by my constant attacks, and she doesn't like emails anyway because they take up so much of her personal time. I had heard her correctly on that one and I had understood.

T said cutting off my email was for my own good. This part I didn't understand and didn't accept. I figured she was just saying that to feel better about what she had done.

Well...

It turns out that I had over-reacted. T never meant I couldn't send emails. She simply wanted me to show a bit of restraint and cut out the hate mail.

As for "my own good", she meant that if I hated her so much, I should come and tell her in person so we could both learn from it. Sending hate mail is like flushing your feelings down the loo (toilet). It's a temporary release that doesn't address any of the underlying problems.

Why did I hate her by email and not in person? It's about abandonment. I don't feel abandoned while I'm with her. She said that sometimes I will feel abandoned in session, and we need to watch out for that.

And now for something completely different. She was wearing a red summer dress. (Unprecedented!) I told her she looked young and pretty. And she did. Somehow her "blank slate", "non-performing asset" hair looked playful and attractive today.

I found a fresh and original way to end the session. I said, "I'd love to stay and talk some more, but I really must be going."

[sittingatwatersedge]

hi CE, I am so glad that you & T came to a good understanding about email, and that you don't feel "unforgiven" any more!! this is good work!

BTW
[quote=CantExplain;2304446] I said, "I'd love to stay and talk some more, but I really must be going."[/quote]

LOL these are words that I know will never come out of my mouth, even on the days when the work is painful!

[Chopin99]

I hear both healing and health within your post. I'm glad everything worked out between you and your T!

I am so happy for you CE... Now that you know you can email do you think it will be hard not to? Just curious as I am experiencing email freedom again.
As for the beauty you saw today...they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

I am so happy for you CE...

Thanks!

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

Now that you know you can email do you think it will be hard not to? Just curious as I am experiencing email freedom again.

I've survived without emailing her for a couple of years now. I've got used to it. And I'm seeing her twice a week (spending the money I saved in her absence). So I don't think I would really gain anything by emailing her again.

I think the only reason I brought it up at all was because I felt unforgiven.

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

As for the beauty you saw today...they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Absolutely! We talked about this. She says it cuts the other way too. You can meet an attractive person, but when you find out what scum they are, they don't look so beautiful after all.

Eye candy tastes good, but in the end, it's just empty calories.

[stopdog]

I am glad you are feeling better about it.