[Chopin99]

When I got to session, T told me I looked "cute" and that she really liked my shirt. She hasn't commented on how I look in ages. I was surprised.

I told T the story of how I got to the place I am now...basically what happened during the two weeks we didn't have a session. Told her I typed out a full page of nasty stuff to her. I told her I didn't want to actually read it to her, but I had to get that out of my system. I told her that I was NOT borderline, that the more work I did in the boundaries book, the more I realized how my childhood shaped my relational and attachment styles. I told her how I improved each day and the steps I was taking to do that. When I got done, I looked up and saw a smile on her face that I had not seen from her in a very long time; the "omg I'm so happy, proud, love you" smile with tears in her eyes.

I told her the night I was struggling with my anger at her, I was also struggling about something related to faith. T opened up about herself and admitted to me that she had actually been struggling with her faith as well for some time, but told me about something that happened to her recently that changed her perspective. She almost started crying as she talked.

Then I told her about what I posted about in this thread comparing what T is doing with me to parenting: http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=223997. In fact, I read it to her. She looked at me in amazement and said, "I never thought about it that way, I am being like a mom to you." I smirked and said, "Are you actually saying I'm right even though you told me you couldn't be my mom in this process?" She looked sheepish and said, "Chopin, yes, you are right. Back when I told you 'I couldn't be your mom in this process' what I actually meant was I couldn't replace your mother because she's your mom, but I can teach you what your mother couldn't. In that essence, I can be like a mom."

Then I asked her four questions that I wanted answered:
The first was how exactly did the "long hugs" make her uncomfortable, personally, professionally, or both? She said it was not personal at all, purely professional. It wasn't that she minded holding me physically, but it seemed once she started doing it, I stopped making progress so she thought it was hindering me somehow. I know she is right; I was getting my needs met that way instead of doing it myself...being dependent on her.

The second question was related to the first and assumed the answer was it made her uncomfortable personally: Why did you think doing something that made you so uncomfortable was in my best interest? She reiterated she wasn't uncomfortable with doing it; she thought at first that it was therapeutic for me and didn't mind at all, but when I stopped making progress, she realized she made a mistake. She said then her dilemma was figuring out how to stop it without hurting me personally and therapeutically. She said she realized she was probably going to hurt me personally, which caused her distress because she didn't want to hurt me in any way, but continuing it was obviously hurting me therapeutically, so she took the risk of bringing it up.

The third question was this: So were all the nice things you've said to me (i.e. "I love you", "you're worth the risks", "your poem made my heart melt") real or just a therapeutic tactic? She looked up at me a bit teary-eyed and said softly, "You already know the answer to that. I'm not going to dignify that with a response."

The last question was: You told me you printed out all of my emails. Where are they? "In your file." I asked if she would shred them. She asked why, no one else was going to see them and she actually thought we could use them in session down the road to compare my progress. She told me if I could give her a reason why shredding them would help me therapeutically, she'd consider it. I asked if I could see my file toward the end with her notes. She said she knew she told me I could before, but she said other therapists keep telling her it's unethical. She said she can't see how, but she needed to confer with her colleagues before she said yes or no. She laughed and said personally as long as I didn't rat her out to the state for her sucky notes, I could read the whole file. She said, "Like what you told me today...your progress note would probably say, "Client continues to work on boundary issues and making progress. Established a boundary with her mother." That short and sweet.

So we wrapped it up and we chatted a little bit at the end. There's something she wants me to do this weekend, faith/holiday related , but it's a little scary to me so I don't know if I want to do it or not. I told her I was unsure and asked why she wanted me to do it. She said, "To celebrate the new you." She grinned at me, then gave me a surprisingly good hug. I asked her how her hair was growing out. She shut the door back and said, "Realize I don't show too many people, but I don't mind showing you." She took her wig off and her hair is pretty full, about an inch long, black and gray and curly. I said, "I don't remember your hair being curly...or black." She said she was born with black hair, but it all fell out when she was 6 months old. Then it grew in light brown/dark blonde and it was dyed blonde before it fell out. I asked when she planned to ditch the wig. She said hopefully by the end of next month.

So now, time to keep on trucking with boundary work until next week. It was a really great session. I love T and I'm learning more and more how much she loves me too, even when I don't like what she does.

[WePow]

((((Chopin)))) Thank you so much for sharing your wonderful session. You are a VERY strong woman! And it is wonderful to see how much work you are doing for your healing. I bet your T is so proud of you!

[CantExplain]

Hi Chopin!

I'm proud of you too! Under my guidance and protection you are blossoming into a fine young woman.

It's going to take me several passes to read your post properly.

Like me, you test everything and challenge everything.
You say the things no one dares to say and ask the questions no one dares to ask.
It's people like us who drive our Ts up the wall but make them better therapists in the end.

[Kacey2]

Choppin that sounds like a wonderful session! I hope you can carry that good feeling with you through the holiday weekend. Thanks for sharing. I needed to hear something good.

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by WePow

((((Chopin)))) Thank you so much for sharing your wonderful session. You are a VERY strong woman! And it is wonderful to see how much work you are doing for your healing. I bet your T is so proud of you!

Thanks, WePow. T is proud of me, but I'm realizing it's even more important that I am proud of me. You are one tough cookie yourself; you've come a long way in the short time I've been posting here!

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Like me, you test everything and challenge everything.
You say the things no one dares to say and ask the questions no one dares to ask.
It's people like us who drive our Ts up the wall but make them better therapists in the end.

I'm sure I have driven T up the wall and she's made a few blunders, but I know she loves me. She's committed herself to really loving each of her clients, even praying for each by name and situation.

And I gotta ask the questions or they will drive me out of my frickin' mind!!!

Originally Posted by Kacey2

Choppin that sounds like a wonderful session! I hope you can carry that good feeling with you through the holiday weekend. Thanks for sharing. I needed to hear something good.

Thanks Kacey. You deserve some good considering what you've been through lately. I hope things get better for you really, really soon!

[stopdog]

Glad it went well.

[roads]

Okay, now that you have a pretty much unqualified, "You were right"--can you not tamper with it and move on?

Roadie

[karebear1]

Gosh Chopin- reading this just made me feel so good inside and has helped me to see my T in a different way. It kinda helped to cement some things that T and I talked about today. Thank you so much for sharing your experience with T in such a loving way.

[shipping]

Yes. Wonderful of you to share such a lovely, healthy session. It made me happy to read it.

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by Roadie

Okay, now that you have a pretty much unqualified, "You were right"--can you not tamper with it and move on?

Roadie

Yep...officially moving on. I'm trying to learn that when people tell me something, it (mostly) doesn't change until the person tells me otherwise.

For my T, saying I was right was BIG. She being right.

Matter closed.