[Snuffleupagus]

So I had a rupture with my therapist about her not responding to my email within the time we had agreed upon. She had told me that she would return my emails within 12 hours. I sent her an email on Monday asking for support because I was really sad about a man I knew in AA dying in his early 30s. (I went to the memorial for him today and his partner attended and got to see how much we loved him, and he told us that J had seizures and despite his dr telling him repeatedly that drinking was very dangerous for him, he went to bed wasted one night, had a seizure and suffocated. So damn sad.!)

Anyway, I was really broken up about his death and had a bunch of end of quarter work to do and was feeling really overwhelmed, so I wrote to my therapist for support. She didn't answer me for 3 days during which I continued to write to her every day letting her know how troubled I was by her lack of response culminating in me saying I was considering termination. I knew that she had promptly read my emails because the clinic's email system makes that clear.

She finally wrote me back on Thursday morning and called me Thursday evening saying she was really sorry. I cried on the phone and demanded an explanation. She said she totally took responsibility, but told me she had a bunch of new duties since she was overseeing the startup of the clinic's new DBT program. I said she still could have found two minutes to respond to me. She said that was true and that she thought she was depending on my strength that I would be okay.

I had session on Friday and told her how much that comment bothered me--that it felt like she was looking at me the same way my mother does--that I'm the strong one and don't need support. She said f uck, you're right, I'm so sorry.

She actually swore more in this session than I've ever heard her do. She seemed genuinely frustrated with and disappointed in herself which I found encouraging because it meant she took her mistake and our relationship seriously. She said she felt embarrassed and ashamed and incompetent and deeply regretted causing me pain and disappointing me the way exT had. And she hoped that I could find it in my heart to forgive her enough to give her another chance.

I pointed out that the difference between her and exT is that exT never would have admitted a mistake and would have said my perceptions--not her actions--were to blame. T told me that this screw up bothered her more with me than it would have with some of her other patients. I said I felt sorry for her other patients. She said that she just meant she felt a stronger attachment with me because we were both so authentic with one another.

Then she said "I'm truly sorry." We locked eyes for probably 30-45 seconds and I think both felt a powerful sense of connection. I responded, "I feel that." She said, "Yes, I can tell you do." Some healing occurred in that eye contact. I told her I had come in undecided but that I was willing to continue to go forward doing therapy with her and was going to be leery for while. She said she got that and felt the same way when she had a rupture with a therapist who fell asleep on her in session.

That took about a half hour and then we talked about more standard therapy stuff. She asked me at the end of the session if it was okay to give me a hug today. I thought it was. She hugged me and said "I'm so sorry I hurt you." in my ear.

Painful, strange, exhausting experience. I really hope she ends up being worthy of a second chance because I really have felt a connection to her in the past. One upside of the rupture is that it has weakened the erotic transference I'm experiencing because the idealization really took a beating. I really didn't expect her to be so contrite. That threw me. It pleased me. It felt like it was what I needed to hear to give it another go. I hope this gives someone out there some hope that their therapy relationship can continue even after a wound.

[stopdog]

I am glad she apologized and took responsibility.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Snuffleupagus

I said I felt sorry for her other patients.

Ouch! I bet that hit home!

You've made some huge progress and your T has learned some humility.
Watching your T cope with failure and shame is very healing, I think.

Your T was wrong to rely on your strength.
But she was right about one thing: you are strong.

[Snuffleupagus]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Ouch! I bet that hit home!

You've made some huge progress and your T has learned some humility.
Watching your T cope with failure and shame is very healing, I think.

Your T was wrong to rely on your strength.
But she was right about one thing: you are strong.

Thanks, Can't Explain. I did notice that in this instance I did not blame myself, and that felt like real serious progress to me.

[mixedup_emotions]

Wow, that sounds like an amazing session! I'm so glad that you both are working through this....and I love how your T took ownership of what belonged to her.

The one thing that frustrates me when it comes to T is that it is so easy to use a rupture as an opportunity and learning experience (which it totally is), that T's can so easily divert the attention of it away from what actually occurred (focusing more on the process rather than what happened)....leaving them less likely to take ownership. (For example, your T could have used this as an opportunity to explore the feelings about your mother, etc. - rather than owning her piece).

[Snuffleupagus]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

Wow, that sounds like an amazing session! I'm so glad that you both are working through this....and I love how your T took ownership of what belonged to her.

The one thing that frustrates me when it comes to T is that it is so easy to use a rupture as an opportunity and learning experience (which it totally is), that T's can so easily divert the attention of it away from what actually occurred (focusing more on the process rather than what happened)....leaving them less likely to take ownership. (For example, your T could have used this as an opportunity to explore the feelings about your mother, etc. - rather than owning her piece).

Yeah, that was interesting. It was like she looked at it as a learning experience for both of us. She said that she hopes this makes her a better therapist for me and in general, and it could never have been a learning experience for her without her owning her part. I really expressed to her how important her telling me that she felt like sh it about it was to me. That it helped me trust her more. That I knew that the vectors of our relationship went both ways which was in turn something I could grow from because I often have a tendency to feel invisible and like I'm the only one with an emotional investment in my relationships. It was an interesting, complex transaction.

[mixedup_emotions]

I really wish my T would've done a little of that recently.

[vanessaG]

Wow that sounds like a great Response . I'm so glad your T responded that way and really took ownership of where she messed up. I think that's the only way I would be able to forgive a T after a huge rupture. I'm glad it worked out

[Dreamy01]

Well done you for being true to your feelings. I'm glad T took responsibility and I hope things improve for you. Being seen as the strong one is very frustrating. I had similar from both prior ts.

[KazzaX]

Woah sounds like your therapist is a good one. Admitted her mistakes and took responsibility. Good stuff. (other than the locking eyes for 45 secs.. ewwww)

[unaluna]

I love the in the ear stuff. it's very affecting. or is it manipulative? I hope that's my trickster FOO talking; I try to take it as T trying to positively reinforce a painful lesson.

[Snuffleupagus]

Originally Posted by hankster

I love the in the ear stuff. it's very affecting. or is it manipulative? I hope that's my trickster FOO talking; I try to take it as T trying to positively reinforce a painful lesson.

It didn't seem manipulative to me--just like she was sending me off with the crucial message of the first part of the session. It felt kind to me.