[Squirrel1983]

So, I decided to send another letter to my pdoc about some concerns I have. I am dropping it by tomorrow as I do want him to know. However I also thought it would be important for my psychologist to know, so I emailed her a copy and am now regretting doing so. Why did I have to be so stupid? Below is a copy of my letter with personal/identifying stuff edited out.

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Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Dr. V,

I wrote you another letter earlier this week. Please do not get mad for writing another letter. I am just better at expressing myself in writing than voicing myself in person. There are a few more things that I am ready to admit that could or could not effect my treatment. The letter earlier this week was about my picking problem. This letter will address other things about me that I have never told anyone about (though some my dad and step-mom noticed). I haven’t told my psychologist these things and I never told my old psychiatrist in S about these. I don’t know if they could be symptoms of my condition or not, which is why I wanted to let you know about them, so you could decide. I was supposed to come for my next visit in June, but decided I didn’t want to wait that long to discuss these concerns and the previous letter‘s concern, so I called today and rescheduled for April 24. I am also on a waiting list if there is a cancellation and something earlier opens up.

My personal hygiene had declined over the years. In high school and my first few years of college I showered everyday and brushed my teeth twice a day. Stating my last couple years of college (I spent 5 years in college) I had no motivation to shower everyday and cut back to every other day and started brushing my teeth only once a day. My personal hygiene started to decline about the same time I started to hear the chatter that others did not hear. The first few years after college I kept the same hygiene routine that I had during the last year of college. In January 2009, it got even worse. I would forget to brush my teeth quite often (not on purpose…I just wouldn’t think about it). And I would decide I didn’t feel like showering often and started showering only 3 times a week. This is how I still am. I try to hide the showering thing from doctors and therapists by making sure I shower on the days I see them. I didn’t want them to know. But, I am ready for someone to know now. As well, I will not feel like doing laundry sometimes and wear dirty clothes for a week until I do laundry again the next week. The laundry thing has been a problem since college.

Since I moved back to M (August 2009), my apartment has not exactly been clean (but I don‘t mind). When I lived in Sanford while I taught up there I kept my apartment relatively clean. Now, instead of taking the trash out when the can gets full, I stack trash on the counter until it is filled and there are bugs flying around the kitchen before I finally bag it up and take it out. I know I should take it out sooner, but I just don’t feel like it, so I don’t. My bathroom will have grime on it because I rarely have the motivation to clean it. This is what my dad and step-mom have noticed…this and the trash thing. They are both anti-medication and swear my medication is making me not care about being clean and I need to immediately stop taking it. But, I don’t think so as I was on medication for almost a year before this cleaning problem started. The cleaning my apartment issue started about the same time the chatter came back (it had stopped for a little bit).

I have no social life and haven’t since I graduated from college. Outside of going to work, church, doctors appointments, or occasionally out to eat with my mom or dad and step-mom, I never leave my apartment. I have never really had any friends since elementary school. I had acquaintances in junior high, high school, and college, but that was about it. I am (or at least I feel like) a social outcast and have no desire to try to change it because I just don’t care. I am a loner and have accepted the fact that I will probably always be a loner.

And now, I am going to tell you things that my old doctor and psychologist know about, but I don’t know if you know about or not (I don’t know how much of my record my old psychiatrist sent to you).

I have never heard distinct voices (as in I am able to make out what they are saying), but around my 3rd or 4th year (2003 or 2004) of college I started hearing chatter that no one else heard. By chatter I mean it sounds like I am in a restaurant or something where people are talking in the background and you really can’t make out what is being said. This is one of the things I finally went to see my old psychiatrist about in October 2008. The chatter stopped for a while about 5 or 6 weeks after I started taking medication for it. It came back occasionally, in which we would increase my Risperdal dose and that normally took care of it (my initial dose was ½ mg at bedtime). I will still occasionally hear the chatter, but it is not a regular occurrence. The last time I heard chatter was about 5 weeks ago.

About a year (2006 or 2007) after college I began to think that people were out to get me. I would see anything someone did as a threat and assume that they were trying to harm me or my reputation in some way. It progressively got worse over the years. My pastor at the time noticed this change in behavior and suggested I seek professional help for it. This was the 2nd reason I sought psychiatric help. This also decreased when I started taking medication.

Also since I left college, if people around me in a room are whispering, I will assume that they are talking negatively about me. This can be students, adults, etc. Medication initially helped with this as well, though these thoughts will still haunt me sometimes. The last time I have had these thoughts was about 6 weeks ago.

More recently (as in the past year or less), I have started to have thoughts that people are out to harm me. If someone is riding my tail when I am driving and then goes to pass me…I will think, “please don’t let them shoot me” or other similar thoughts. These have not gone away, then happen every time I drive and someone rides my tail.

Also more recently, I have had no motivation to do anything. When I am home on the weekends or school holidays, all I want to do is sleep for half the day. On days I do have to work I will sleep at night for about 10 hours. I’m needing a lot more sleep than I used to.

I think that about covers it. I apologize for the long letter. I hope you took the time to read it all. Please don’t get mad for me keeping some of this stuff from you until now. I was just too ashamed to admit some of it until now. I am ready to seek professional help for them.
Thanks and I’ll see you at my appointment in about a month.

Sincerely,
　
Squirrel
　

[KeepGoing8]

This is Awesome Squirrel. it was smart and brave to send this to aal of your docs. If they are worth their degrees, they will take this seriously and appreciate such a comprehensive, yet concise disclosure. This is pretty much exactly what all the medical support websites tell you to do to prepare for every doctors visit. Because docs are overloaded with different patients with different problems, it is often crucial to give them a list of symptoms in writing that they can refer and re- refer to in determining the best next step for u.
I had chronic abdominal pain through my teen years and into my twenties and it wasn't until I gave a letter like yours with total disclosure of all my symptoms, questions, and concerns, to my GYN Dr. that they paid ANY attention to my problem and opened me up to find extensive scar tissue connecting my intestines to my abdominal wall.
I recognize there's a difference between psych docs and physical docs, but their professional guidelines as Doctors. are the same. Any initiative taken by you in the pursuit of your own health must be expected and Respected as the actions of a Sane Person.
You did good!
Be proud
Ur ma hero

[Squirrel1983]

Well my psychologist hasn't responded to the email I sent where I copied her the letter I was giving to my pdoc. Maybe she doesn't know how to respond. *shrug* Delivered the letter to my pdoc's office this afternoon. I don't know if he will read it soon or stick it in my file and read it when I come in again. I hope he reads it today, maybe then he'd find a way to "squeeze" me into an earlier appointment. I don't know why I am okay with my pdoc knowing these things...I guess I just want to "come clean" and get the most help I can.

[(JD)]

Don't try to mindread your psychologist! You sent it for information only I suspect, and didn't request a response. Even so, the psychologist would rather see you face to face to discuss this...as that's the way therapy works best. Don't feel bad about sharing your feelings...your concerns about the experts not fully realizing what you are dealing with/how you are feeling are very evident...and sharing is not a crime.

[Squirrel1983]

Well either (1) my pdoc's receptionist put the letter in my file for him to read at my next visit so he hasn't read it yet, (2) he has read it and thinks that end of April is soon enough for me to come in and isn't going to offer me something earlier, or (3) he has read it and doesn't think my problems are important.

I'm not going to go as far as to say he doesn't care, because I am pretty sure he probably does (as much as a professional can about a patient). I am thinking it is #1 or #2 above. I just want to get it over with...I hate waiting.

[(JD)]

I would look at it as more of a relief that now they "know"... try to consider that...that you got this "off your chest" and can now go "Whew! I don't have to worry about that any more."

[Open Eyes]

I agree with JD and KeepGoing8 because your letter is now in your file and the pdoc/T can refer to it and it will be a part of you ongoing file. Good for you in my opinion.
Open Eyes

[Squirrel1983]

Well my psychologist just emailed concerning the copy of the letter I sent her that I was also sending to my pdoc. She thanked me for trusting her to know the information and hopes I don't regret sending it because coming out in the open is theraputic in itself. That eases some of my "sick to my stomach" feeling that she didn't freak out about it. She also said she was glad I was letting my pdoc know as it can help him better treat me.

[Squirrel1983]

My psychologist's response to me:

Hi L,

Sorry for the late reply, as I've been tied up with seminars.

Thank you so much for your trust in coming to terms with some issues that are obviously bothering you. This is a good thing, so I just want to say upfront that I hope that you don't regret this or have that "sick feeling" as you described. Just getting things out in the open is therapeutic in itself, so I hope that you are feeling that way now.

I'm glad that you want to let Dr. V know these things so that he can prescribe more effectively. It certainly has to help.

Enjoy the rest of your Spring break as Monday will come soon enough!

Take care,
CW

[Squirrel1983]

My reply back to her:

Dr. W,

Thank you for the encouraging reply, I just thought your reply to my other email about moving up my appointment (where you commended me for taking an interest in my care) was a reply to this email as well, so I it was a surprise when I got this email in my inbox. I was regretting it a little, and am worried what Dr. V is going to say when I go back in. I did hand deliever the 2nd letter yesterday afternoon. The receptionist said she would get it to him. Hopefully he will read it before my appointment, so he knows about it before I go in. That's going to be one awkward appointment. To be completely honest, I was more worried about you knowing than Dr. V knowing, as I interact with you (longer appointments, see you more often) more than with him. Thank you for taking it so well.

I'm just a little embarrassed as some of the things I am now admitting to, I denied earlier when my old psychiatrist and Dr. V asked about them. Hope that doesn't make me seem untrustworthy. I just came to terms that it could probably effect my treatment and I really do want to get better.

If you don't it's okay, but I think I would like to meet next week instead of in 2 weeks. Do you have the Tuesday at 9 open still? If not then I will wait till the following week, I just figured it was worth asking. I still want to meet the followign week too though as it's the week before FCATs start which will cause me to have to proctor and not be able to meet for 2 or 3 weeks. Please let me know.

Thanks in advance.
Squirrel

[CantExplain]

That all seems very encouraging.

Now you have an agenda for your next meeting:
1. Chattering
2. Hygiene (By golly that's a difficult word to spell!)

And if they don't mention it, make sure you do.

[unaluna]

Squirrel, you are totally awesome!

Can'tExplain, I also find spelling hygiene almost as difficult as managing mine...

[Squirrel1983]

Just got a call from pdoc's office...they have an opening at 1:30 tomorrow. I took it. I'll just have to take time off work (letting them know last minute) My job usually doesn't mind though. I am already going in late because I see T in the morning. What's an hour more of sick time used in the afternoon too? For pdoc, I will leave and come back to work. Be more gas, but hey it's worth it.

I'm glad you will be able to get into Pdoc so soon. Hope your appt is helpful.

[mcl6136]

You are off and running, it seems to me!

I hope that you are experiencing some of the relief that I have found whenever I have acknowledged the issues at hand.

As we are fond of saying...You can do this!

Blessings to you,

MCL