When I think of my mothers abuse, its akin to a wife batterer. Accept I never got the "sorry won't happen again" from her. Its the only way her abuse makes sense to me is if I think of it in those terms.

I haven't seen her in 4yrs, and don't want too now. Before in the past I always wanted to see her and would go back tail between my legs. But therapy has changed that now. I asked T once "wouldn't a sign of being healthier be that I could go back?" T replied "no not at all, I think if abusers lack insight than it could be harmful to go back". Yes that was what I couldn't find words for. Going back and her, my mother having had no insight nor changing and it makes me feel sick to think she would expect me to still take her abuse. I never use to feel sick becuase I didn't realise it was abuse before. I thought It was because I deserved it.

I never want to go back to that now.

Originally Posted by earthmamma

I asked T once "wouldn't a sign of being healthier be that I could go back?" T replied "no not at all, I think if abusers lack insight than it could be harmful to go back". Yes that was what I couldn't find words for. Going back and her, my mother having had no insight nor changing and it makes me feel sick to think she would expect me to still take her abuse.

YES! THIS!!! I have not been calling my mother much since my sister and her husband stole from me and she took their side. Everyone is telling me I should call because she's my moooooottthhhhher. And? So? She abused me in every possible way and has NO INSIGHT AND ISN'T CHANGING! She still has no respect for me. Doesn't value me at all. My T has been urging me since I began therapy to stop interacting with my mother. Until my father passed, that just wasn't an option for me emotionally. Now that he's gone, and she's still the way she is, I can back off and just go on with my life.

ETA: I never got the "sorry" either. I got, "Look what you made me do! How could you be so horrible??"

It sounds incredibly tough, but I'm very glad that you have reached a point where you can see that you did not and do not in any way deserve such treatment.

[unaluna]

(((earthmamma))) my T told me the same thing, that I didn't have to go back. I thought I had heard him say the opposite a few sessions earlier - i'm so glad I checked it out.

what was so odd to me, though, was that I was utterly incapable of seeing how horrible she was to me, until I had the financial means to leave. THEN, I heard every word. and I started having anxiety attacks, couldn't breathe, had chest pains - my dr sent me for a bunch of cardio tests, everything was fine. it was all her.

I don't understand you saying you thought it was because you deserved it. I always thought she COULD have been nice to me, understood me, liked me, she just chose not to, like I was an opinion she didn't agree with. All I had to do was find the words to convince her I was right, or have someone else tell her - THEN she would like me.

Anyway, I like ya, earthmamma.

[Perna]

My stepmother got senile and I was helping care for her (and in therapy) but still acting like she was who she had been; I was telling my T she called me from the living room while I was on the toilet and I rushed to be finished and run in to see what she wanted (this was when I'd "park" her in my La-Z-Boy chair (my husband and I would roll our eyes; she'd literally "lose" her purse which was in her lap!) pull the handle back so she was cradled; she couldn't figure out how it worked and wasn't able to 'get out" :-) and my T was amazed I was still doing that and commented that when she died lots of things would change for me/my life and it really did.

My husband's entire family was abusive to him. Really. He made the decision about 10 years ago to cut off contact with them because while he longed for family, every time he saw them or spoke to them on the phone, they always repeated the same patterns and he felt abused all over again. They still try to contact him from time to time and it is always horrible because now they are furious with him. It has been very painful for him, but it was really all he could do for his own sanity.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

Everyone is telling me I should call because she's my moooooottthhhhher. And? So? She abused me in every possible way and has NO INSIGHT AND ISN'T CHANGING! She still has no respect for me. Doesn't value me at all.

((MKAC))

INSIGHT:

Biology is nothing. You want to be my mother? You have to earn it.