would this bother you

I have posted here before but not in awhile.

I was supposed to see my therapist today and arrived early. While waiting for her I saw her go with some man I think on a lunch date. For some reason this really bothered me. I don't think it was jealousy though. I just felt upset.

A little information. My therapist is single like me, a few years younger. I haven't really dated much. She knows I have problems in that area due to CSA. She is always telling me it is okay to be single and stuff like that.

I kind of feel now that she is not the person I thought she was. It was just an illusion. She really doesn't relate to me at all and is just pacifying me by saying what i want to hear.

Hopefully you guys can help me understand this.

TY

are you sure she was going on a date, did you ask her?

I agree are you sure it was a date? Maybe it was another client? I go for walks with my T.

Ummmm...

Is there some reason T shouldn't have a boyfriend?

Wouldn't bother me at all.

It sounds like what I call the 'shock of separateness' that is a sudden awareness of separateness. It happens sometimes and can shake things up.

It happens with me and I also tend to start thinking that there's no way my therapist can relate to me (or me to her).

Thank you

No. She doesn't take clients for walks.

No I haven't gotten up the courage to bring this up with her yet

I can see how it would be jarring. Did you have a different idea about what her life was like?

She can be dating and believe it is okay to be single. I am married and I think it is okay to be single.

It is OK to be single. Your reasons are the exact reasons why I'm single and don't date.

Maybe she had a friend that's also a guy that she just ate with? That's possible.

It doesn't mean she can't relate to you because she's in a relationship. She doesn't have to share your pain to care and be able to help. Feel better soon, OK? There's nothing wrong with you. You'll get there in your own time.

She could be going out with a male for all sorts of reasons. A colleague, a friend, a family member, or yes, a partner. I think it can be startling to see T with people outside their work role. But just because she may be in a relationship now doesnt make her less relatable. She may have been single a long time too, or still is!

Sounds like it was jarring for you, did it affect your session?

Are you feeling that her possibly dating somehow negates her belief that it is okay to be single? They aren't mutually exclusive.

I happened to see a photo of my therapist with his wife sitting on his lap. Just happened to see it. Not because I was cyber stalking him or anything. Or maybe I was, but anyway . . .

My point was that because of my own CSA thing, I find lap sitting to be extremely creepy. I don't sit on my own husband's lap, unless I'm pretty desperate for um, certain activities. So. The photo of my T and his wife just ticked me off for a whole host of reasons. I talked to him about it and it was actually helpful. Try discussing it with her.

I give you major props for discussing the pic with your T. Mine has a picture of her husband lying on a couch with their two small children piled on top of him. It's angled so that she can see it on her desk, but it also faces me if I look to the side when I'm sitting on the couch. I find it uncomfortable to look at.

I've shown my T a couple of pictures of my husband over the years. The first time, she commented that he was cute, which I found odd for some reason. I think I liked it, actually, like maybe we had similar taste in men

Interesting that you got there so early she could be just going out for lunch? That would be at least half an hour? Were you in the parking lot or something that you saw them walk "off"?

Unlike my stepmother's assertion that she was "born married", everyone is single at some point and I'd be reassured if my T had found a relationship, that she could help me learn to find someone for myself if I wanted but would have the before/after experience of being both single and in a relationship to know when/how they "work" well. If she had trouble forming a relationship, as I did, then how could she help me?

I can understand why you might feel that way. Because we don't know a lot about our Ts personal lives, we sort of "fill in" a lot of things and when our expectations and reality don't line up, it can give us a moment of pause. There's also the "anachronism" of seeing T engaged in a "human" activity-- whether she was actually on a date or just having lunch with a friend or colleague. It just sort of messes with our image of T as a T. But, as others have suggested, talking to your T about it is really the best route to take (even though it might seem difficult). I can offer that, in my own experience, talking to T about this kind of stuff has been really helpful and has been way less "weird" than I thought it might be. There have been 2 times in therapy I've felt something similar, though the circumstances were a little different.

1.) When I asked for a T referral way back when, I asked to be referred to a lesbian T (I'd had some really negative experiences with straight Ts who, despite their best intentions, just didn't "get it" and I really didn't want to feel "other" in MY therapy & constantly have to explain things & dispell popular stereotypes)-- so, when the referring T said "here you go, she's exactly what you wanted!" I assumed I was getting a lesbian T. 9 months later I found out my was married to a man! Imagine my surprise! I discussed it with T and it turns out she's bisexual, but in a heterosexual relationship. At first, I questioned her ability to relate to me (and me to her) given this difference in life experience. But despite my initial feelings about the situation, it's turned out to be a non-issue. I've never met her husband and I know very little about him, but I actually have warm feelings towards him simply because he's T's husband. The handful of times he's come up, I've referred to him as "Mr. T's-first-name."

2.) Two weeks ago, when I showed up for my appointment, I took a seat in the waiting room. A few minutes later, another woman walked into the waiting room and sat down. Since my T is in a single-office private practice, I immediately thought "did T double book?" But the other woman didn't seem unsettled by my presence, so I figured SHE knew what was going on. She poured herself a cup of coffee, sprawled out in her chair, typed loudly on her iphone, and just acted "like she owned the place" so I started wondering "is she T's friend?" When the previous client walked out of T's office, this woman walked right in without waiting to be invited by T. I was just kind of put off by the fact that she was acting so "at home" in T's office, while completely ignoring me. If she were acting "at home" in T's office but being friendly about it (i.e. a smile or a nod), that wouldn't have bothered me-- or if she were simply sitting quietly in her chair and ignoring me, that wouldn't have bothered me either. It was the contrast that bothered me-- particularly since it was evident by the look on my face that I was wondering what she was doing here at MY appointment time. (She showed up 5 minutes before my appointment's start time). Anyway, she waltzed into T's office, I could hear them talk for a few minutes (about what I couldn't tell), and then as the door opened, I could hear T say, a little forcefully, "ok, well, I've got to back, bye now. I had assumed this woman was T's friend who was there to socialize but, by T's demeanor, I got the feeling that T was trying to move her on out. So then I started wondering "Is she a client?" I didn't want to ask T directly-- in order to protect both her own privacy and that of the other woman-- so, when I walked into T's office (after the other woman left), I just said "Wow, looks like you're busy today! I've seen 2 different people walk out in the last 10 minutes!" And, somewhat to my surprise, T explained that the woman was another T who rented her office one day a week and she was there to drop off her check. But, rather than simply dropping off the check, she had wanted to chit-chat, and T was trying to "move it along." I really appreciated her explanation because it was a lot better than the "rude friend" story I was concocting in my head! Because I have such a high opinion of my T, I like to think that all of her friends are warm, generous, positive people-- thinking that this rude, entitled (and somewhat disheveled looking) woman was T's friend sort of "popped the bubble" on this image. It was nice to have that bubble put back together (even if only in my head!)

No, it wouldn't bother me. I'm young(ish) and infinitely single, my T is older and married. I actually met her hubby once when there was a minor mix up with my appointment, he seemed nice. I think it's good thing for a T to evidently have some success with relationships? The way I see it, the more areas in which my T has life experience, the more reassured I am that she's 'qualified' to help me function in my own life and situations... Maybe I'll actually need dating/relationship advice at some point!

It did affect the session. I was too anxious to bring it up. I didn't feel like it was any of my business but it did bother me.