[Chopin99]

I just sent T this email. She should get it tomorrow. For anyone saying, "what happened to the email boundary?" apparently it disappeared. I emailed her twice last week (very short, not meant for her to reply) and she had no problem, in fact, referenced one today. I'm just going to accept that T's email boundaries are wishy-washy.

T,

I'm coming back to the top after writing this to apologize for its length. Please don't feel obligated to reply. I just had an epiphany of sorts and I wanted to share it with you.

I was praying a few minutes ago and felt convicted. With my increasing awareness of my own self-worth, I am also more aware of the worth/feelings/circumstances of others as well.

I know you are a professional well-trained to handle people with all sorts of mental illness, emotional issues, and life difficulties. You are good at what you do. As I well know, although those of us who work in this field are well-versed in the concept of the therapeutic relationship (I taught the concept yesterday), sometimes the people we serve hurt us. Individuals on both sides of the therapeutic relationship are human. The clientele I have dealt with thus far in my career do not have the full capacity to comprehend true remorse for their actions. I have learned to forgive them anyway. You also deal with those amongst your clientele who do not/cannot feel remorse. I know this; until very recently, I was one of those people.

While I was praying, I prayed for you, your upcoming surgery, and how you just want this chapter of illness to end. I thought about how you've expressed this to me several times recently, showing me your humanity and emotionality. You told me about struggling with faith a couple of sessions ago. I'm beginning to realize everything you've been through and are still going through and it brings me to this, from one human to another:

I want to tell you that I am sorry. I'm sorry I've continually broken boundaries. I'm sorry for manipulating you, both intentionally and unintentionally. I'm sorry I've acted selfishly. I'm sorry I've been unwilling to do the work. I'm sorry I've taken advantage of your time.

When you were out having chemo, you tried so hard to help me and it seemed you just wanted me to know that even though you were going through your own difficulties, you still cared about me. That means much more to me now than it did then. I realize you were going through so much physically and emotionally and I just took advantage of your kindness. I'm so sorry for that.

Thank you for being tough with me at times. Thank you for enforcing boundaries. Thank you for teaching by example. Thank you for modeling both health and humanity. Thank you for sharing parts of yourself with me. Thank you for being what I NEED rather than what I want. You're finally starting to really get through to me. God is using you in such a tangible way in my life. I thank Him for leading me to you.

I know where I need to start. For years, my heart and mind has attempted to process the deaths of my grandparents through dreams. I'm afraid, but I'm not going to let it stop me. I'm going to do it afraid. When I mentioned it briefly last week to you, I felt the deep sorrow within. Tears tried to come but I shoved them back down like I always have. Tuesday, I will talk. I will finally open up. I'm going to get really upset. It's going to be one of the hardest things I've ever done; however, I am comforted that I won't go through this alone. God and you will be with me.

Thank you for being you. You are kind and loving. You are simultaneously professional and real. As I said in the poem I gave you at Christmas, you're an angel. A strong, brave angel with really short, salt and pepper-colored hair. I'll tell you again: it is cute just like it is. You're beautiful inside and out. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise! You'll continue to be in my prayers.

Love,
Chopin

[rainbow8]

That's really beautiful, Chopin. Thanks for sharing it.

[CantExplain]

Hi Chopin!

That's very nice and I'm sure your T will love it.
But I think you are being too hard on yourself.
I never doubted your capacity for remorse.

[CantExplain]

I sent my T an email today.
Something innocuous: not a hate, not a demand, not even a request.
Just a link to an article I think will interest her.

[karebear1]

That was a very sweet and touching email to T. I'm sure she will appreciate it a lot.

[taylor43]

That brought tears to my eyes. So beautiful!

[jenluv]

Chopin, this is so heart-felt and real. She's going to love it. And I want to encourage you to extend a little more grace to yourself. ((((hugs))))

[Chopin99]

Thanks everyone. I haven't received a reply, but I meant it when I said in the email that she shouldn't feel obligated to. I just really wanted her to know I was sorry for my past shenanigans and I'm ready to move forward.

CE, I have had an issue with remorse because when I was emotionally numb, everything was numb. I'm not so numb anymore.

There's a lot of wisdom in that. You are growing so much. Thanks for sharing - I love to read posts like this.