I was thinking about T's "believing me" last night and at the same time it triggered a memory of being small and my mother forcing me to wear a skirt. The feeling of not being able to wear my "combat clothers" jeans was awful. I remember sitting on my frontstep crying and the milkman asking me what was wrong and I sobbing I couldn't wear my jeans.

T's "gentle nature" makes me feel like I'm having my defences taken away. It's a almost like I need her to be as dismissive of my expereinces as my mother was. T's telling me how cruel and awful my life was of course feels good but also feels very frightening. I'm afraid that if she can be a feeling person that it be unsafe. But as she would say, "its your mother that was unsafe".

[unaluna]

I was once commiserating with a relative about our antidepressant meds and our bizarre childhoods, and I said, "idk, sometimes I think it's a good thing I got her as a mother, because a lesser kid would not have survived her," and my relative was like, yeah, she felt the same way, she wouldn't have wished her mom on someone else, we WERE super tough and smart. We were really talking to each other for the first time as adults, after divorces, etc, and before that moment we had no clue the other felt that way; after growing up together!

I think perhaps that's just something we tell ourselves. I care to believe now I was born gentle but corrupted by my mothers insanity and cruelty. I think anyone would become "tough" I don't think myself especially tough.

Strange this mother was never meant to be my mother, I just ended up with her because my first mother was just as ****ed up.

[carla.cdt]

sometime is just wish i didn't have to be that tough.....

[CantExplain]

Excellent milkman!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by earthmamma

T's "gentle nature" makes me feel like I'm having my defences taken away. It's a almost like I need her to be as dismissive of my expereinces as my mother was. T's telling me how cruel and awful my life was of course feels good but also feels very frightening. I'm afraid that if she can be a feeling person that it be unsafe. But as she would say, "its your mother that was unsafe".

Makes total sense.

sometimes i wonder who or what i would have been without any of the abuse?

abuse sidetracks so much of life. i hate that about it.

[WikidPissah]

yea, I get a little freaked when my T says things like "you've been thru a lot". It seems if I let myself cave in and agree he'll somehow say "now just get over it". It's hard to stay tough.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

yea, I get a little freaked when my T says things like "you've been thru a lot". It seems if I let myself cave in and agree he'll somehow say "now just get over it".

I feel like the therapist will do this too. But the other part is, even if I agree intellectually that it can sound objectively bad, it still does not feel like it was that bad to me.