[likelife]

I just wrote my T an incredibly long, rambly email (that I didn't send). In part of it, I told her about how much it upset me that she seems to be using all of these canned phrases with me - that it's important to share my feelings, that she's honored to hear them, etc. - when I'm asking her, in essence, to be real with me. She's used those phrases so many times, and seemingly in the service of dodging questions from me, that they've lost all meaning outside of a feeble attempt to be "therapeutic."

I've realized that these responses that feel completely inauthentic have been keeping me frustrated and stuck for a long time. The email I wrote was actually telling her that I want to quit therapy because I'm tired of feeling like she's constantly dodging me.

The questions I ask are admittedly personal - not directly about her as a person - but about her personal response to me. I want to believe that I'd be fine (well, not fine, but at least I'd have some framework for understanding) with her telling me that she doesn't feel comfortable answering them, or they're not appropriate, or something. Outright ignoring them and substituting therapy platitudes without any real substance is just pissing me off.

Am I way out of line in wanting my T to be more real with me?

[learning1]

Hi Likelife,
I think it's perfectly legitimate to ask her to be more real with you. I think it's probably good for her to know she's coming across as inauthentic, too.

I wanted to add that what I can accept as authentic has changed a lot as I get older. I can believe people mean things they say a lot more than I used to be able to. I can even believe some things that sound like canned therapy phrases are meant authentically by my t. For example, my most recent t uses the phrase "work on that" all the time. I never heard anyone irl talk about "working on" any personal characteristic or habit, so it definitely sounds like therapy jargon to me. "Triggered" is also total jargon. There are others I can't think of now.

But I think as I get older it has become easier to trust people to be genuine with me. My family isn't very emotionally expressive, and in school I was a pariah mostly until college, so if anyone expressed much emotion it seemed unfamiliar to me, and I thought they were most likely lying to make fun of me and laugh at me if I believed them. That was how people treated me often, so it was what I expected. However, being on PC, I started reading people using what seemed like therapy jargon in very genuine ways, and I realized people really mean those things.

Another thing is that now I don't always need people to mean things as deeply as I used to need. For example, if someone tells me they're "honored" by something I said, I figure they mean that at least to some extent. I never use that word, so if I said it, whatever it was about would have to be totally earthshatteringly honorable. Some t's might use that word a lot (one of mine did), so it doesn't mean quite as much, but it still really does mean something. It felt really good almost anytime he said something positive. I thought I owed it to him to believe he meant what he said.
Well, I don't know if any of that is relevant for you. I still think it's a good idea to tell your t she seems inauthentic-- maybe she is-- and see if she can adjust and/or you can find a way to adjust and trust her more.

[eclogite]

Not at all. I'm going through the same thing right now.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by likelife

I just wrote my T an incredibly long, rambly email (that I didn't send). In part of it, I told her about how much it upset me that she seems to be using all of these canned phrases with me - that it's important to share my feelings, that she's honored to hear them, etc. - when I'm asking her, in essence, to be real with me. She's used those phrases so many times, and seemingly in the service of dodging questions from me, that they've lost all meaning outside of a feeble attempt to be "therapeutic."

I've realized that these responses that feel completely inauthentic have been keeping me frustrated and stuck for a long time. The email I wrote was actually telling her that I want to quit therapy because I'm tired of feeling like she's constantly dodging me.

The questions I ask are admittedly personal - not directly about her as a person - but about her personal response to me. I want to believe that I'd be fine (well, not fine, but at least I'd have some framework for understanding) with her telling me that she doesn't feel comfortable answering them, or they're not appropriate, or something. Outright ignoring them and substituting therapy platitudes without any real substance is just pissing me off.

Am I way out of line in wanting my T to be more real with me?

I think there might be more going on here than you think. I think therapists use consistent language sometimes in order to send a clear message. It can begin to sound redundant, phoned-in and trite, but the message needs to be very clear sometimes - until we actually hear and understand it.

It's very frustrating and machine like until then, but, really, there is only so many ways a therapist can say the same thing until it ends up sounding like a platitude.

I guess my question would be what would you like to hear from your therapist? What in your mind would be an honest response? Something negative about you?

What would be authentic to you?

Likelife. I think its a good thing to discuss in more detail with your T. Hopefully you can both work together with it. I am like that too, if T even smelt like she was about to utter stereotypical response I'd be snarling.

[sconnie892]

Originally Posted by elliemay

I think there might be more going on here than you think. I think therapists use consistent language sometimes in order to send a clear message. It can begin to sound redundant, phoned-in and trite, but the message needs to be very clear sometimes - until we actually hear and understand it.

It's very frustrating and machine like until then, but, really, there is only so many ways a therapist can say the same thing until it ends up sounding like a platitude.

I guess my question would be what would you like to hear from your therapist? What in your mind would be an honest response? Something negative about you?

What would be authentic to you?

My t often uses the same phrases over and over. Sometimes (especially on a bad day) it annoys the heck out of me. But I know that she keeps using that particular phrase because I still haven't fully grasped whatever it is she is trying to tell me. It is essentially like practice. I hate it and love it at the same time.

[rainbow8]

I can relate to inauthenticity in Ts too. I would definitely bring it up with your T. Why not send the email you've written? I also think that your T may think that she IS being authentic and those phrases are meaningful to her, so she uses them a lot.

My T always asks me if I'm afraid she's judging me. I'm tired of hearing that question because I know she doesn't judge me. It sounds fake already. When she once said, about death, "it won't bother me for me to talk about it. I do this all day", it rubbed me the wrong way. But I know she wasn't being insensitive or inauthentic, just honest.

Come to think of it, my T is usually authentic and that's why I like and respect her so much. I hope you can be honest with your T and tell her your feelings and work it out with her. That's what therapy is all about.

[likelife]

Originally Posted by learning1

I wanted to add that what I can accept as authentic has changed a lot as I get older. I can believe people mean things they say a lot more than I used to be able to.

This is interesting to me. I wonder if my inability to see what she's saying as authentic comes more from my being defended than anything.

But I think as I get older it has become easier to trust people to be genuine with me. My family isn't very emotionally expressive, and in school I was a pariah mostly until college, so if anyone expressed much emotion it seemed unfamiliar to me, and I thought they were most likely lying to make fun of me and laugh at me if I believed them. That was how people treated me often, so it was what I expected.

I'm sorry this was your experience

I thought I owed it to him to believe he meant what he said.

This is a good point too. I don't think my T is lying, but rather that she is avoiding interacting in a more authentic way. But, it could also be that I'm just wanting more from her than is realistic or helpful.

Well, I don't know if any of that is relevant for you. I still think it's a good idea to tell your t she seems inauthentic-- maybe she is-- and see if she can adjust and/or you can find a way to adjust and trust her more.

This was very helpful, thank you!

Originally Posted by elliemay

I think there might be more going on here than you think. I think therapists use consistent language sometimes in order to send a clear message. It can begin to sound redundant, phoned-in and trite, but the message needs to be very clear sometimes - until we actually hear and understand it.

It's very frustrating and machine like until then, but, really, there is only so many ways a therapist can say the same thing until it ends up sounding like a platitude.

I guess my question would be what would you like to hear from your therapist? What in your mind would be an honest response? Something negative about you?

What would be authentic to you?

You make a lot of great points. My T has certainly been consistent in the messages that she's given (well, most of them, at least). I tend to discount my feelings, which may be in part why she emphasizes that it's important for me to express them. All the same, it's like I'm longing for something more...meaty, perhaps?

Your questions about what would be authentic to me are very insightful. I do think that I've been wanting my T to say negative things about me, because those would be congruent with how I view myself. It's not that I feel that my T is being dishonest, it's more that it feels like there is never any resolution to the the things that she makes what I perceive as inauthentic comments about. Yes, it's important for me to express my feelings, but where does that really take me? (That's a question for her, not for you.)

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I can relate to inauthenticity in Ts too. I would definitely bring it up with your T. Why not send the email you've written? I also think that your T may think that she IS being authentic and those phrases are meaningful to her, so she uses them a lot.

I'm on the fence about the email I wrote. I initially wrote it with the intention of breaking off our relationship. I know that's coming from a place of anger and frustration, and also the inauthenticity piece. That might be something for another thread, though.

My T always asks me if I'm afraid she's judging me. I'm tired of hearing that question because I know she doesn't judge me. It sounds fake already. When she once said, about death, "it won't bother me for me to talk about it. I do this all day", it rubbed me the wrong way. But I know she wasn't being insensitive or inauthentic, just honest.

I can see how that might rub me the wrong way too.

Come to think of it, my T is usually authentic and that's why I like and respect her so much. I hope you can be honest with your T and tell her your feelings and work it out with her. That's what therapy is all about.

Thank you all, for your responses and support!

Do you think there could be something self protective in the way she's responding to you? That what you are saying to her is so painful, she has to keep a certain emotional reserve in order to function as a therapist? Maybe she doesn't want to burden you with her emotional response? I remember reading that someone else said that her therapist cried at something she said, and it really inhibited her ability to discuss traumatic issues with the therapist.

[likelife]

That's a good question, MKAC. It's not self-protection related to trauma, just because that's not often what I'm talking about. But it very well could be self-protection related to some countertransference stuff I suspect might be going on. Not sure how to get a T to talk about countertransference though.

[Living Well]

I haven't read the responses yet, so I haven't been influenced by them.

It seems to me (just from your post - not a great amount) that you are a direct communicator and she might be a more indirect communicator?

She might very well be inauthentic - I'm just interested if there are any other way of looking at it. Could she be very lazy with descriptors, while you are more creative and can find the words you need easily?

Do you think she is in the wrong job? Does she seem disinterested or just not wanting to "predict". (How therapy goes very much depends on you and she can't predict what you will do, so she can't know outcome). Are you wanting her to give you something you might be better off giving yourself, like reassurance etc?

Do you think it is a mismatch between therapist and client? Is she just not your cuppa tea? That is perfectly fine and there is no reason why not to change therapist for a better fit?

Sometimes we do need reassurance from our therapists. Sometimes we do need accurate feedback. They are legitimate requests, if they are not overdone.

I don't know if I've been much help... I'll post this and read the thread and see if I think of anything else

[Living Well]

I do think that I've been wanting my T to say negative things about me, because those would be congruent with how I view myself.

... Could your answer be in that little nugget of insight? If someone is seeing your strengths and encouraging your growth, will that always feel inauthentic, simply because it differs from your damaged view of yourself and how some people have treated you in the past?

Wish I could help more but I feel a bit clueless on this - my self esteem is rock bottom myself - so I think I have the same problem as you much of the time

(((Hugs))) And best of luck with it x