Strategizing Session

It is Rimbaud who we'll study today.

Any specific poem?

Well, I just discovered Rimbaud this past weekend while browsing the poetry section of local bookstore. So I only have his "A Season of Hell" which resonates with me in my black mood right now.

There is an online source of translation for some of his poems(I need the translations - you may not).:
http://www.mag4.net/Rimbaud/poesies/Poems.html

I was only familiar with the Drunken Boat.

Sky .. i'm not sure of timing, have you had your session?

Sometimes I wonder if life will bring you a huge variety of experiences - just so that you can understand not only yourself but others also.

In my younger days I was much more judgmental - not in an ugly way or a mean way but simply from a lack of understanding. I would think, "How can somebody do such and such?" or I would say to myself, "I would never do a thing like that." Or I might with self-assurance and (unacknowledged) smugness offer advice. As if I knew what the fu#ck anything meant.

Ah, the innocence of youth. Such ability to self-delude. What hubris, what condescension.

I suppose if we're lucky, we'll get the chance to really learn, to really understand. They say, 'do not judge unless you have walked in their shoes". Oh man, is that ever the truth. I have been judged. I know what it's like to be judged and misunderstood. And I so want to never judge another human being, EVER. But, you know what - I think judging is our default way of being. We do it automatically. I think it takes regular huge doses of humility to prevent landing in that comfortable place of 'sitting in judgment'. In the past, I never thought I was engaging in such thinking. I thought I was open minded. I thought I was compassionate.

What has brought about this train of thought is my experience in therapy yesterday. Although I don't think I was truly judging people when they shared they could not talk in therapy, I know I didn't understand it. I thought, "why even go see a T if you're not going to talk? Why spend that money? It makes no sense."

Well, guess what - I had a terrible time being able to talk in session. It was the most weird sensation. I usually am very self-propelled. I can talk up a storm. I can cover topics in lightening speed. I can segue from issue to issue barely missing a beat.

But yesterday it was like my voice box was frozen. Or maybe it was like a water pipe that had too much gunk streaming through it that it just got clogged up. It was a physical sensation along with an emotional one. I didn't know if I'd be able to actually give voice to any of my emotions.

After a few minutes of silence, my T said to me, "it seems like you don't want to talk today." I couldn't respond.

Finally with extreme effort I opened my book of Rimbaud and began to read. It felt awkward and unnatural and heavy and dull but I kept at it. That act of reading finally released the grip on my voicebox and I was able to begin.

And so, ongoing issue and urgent issue did come up. Even T was amazed how I'm being challenged now.

She did apologize again for forgetting and told some stories around it but I could not engage in that discussion - too much to take on.

And, I realized I need the Friday session before she leaves. And then I'm on my own for 2 weeks. She also apologized for leaving and I told her she should not apologize for that.

Oh, and one more thing - I learned that I am her only client that she allows to text her. That makes me feel so so good.

Thanks all for your support during this time. I greatly appreciate all your good advice.

One thing I forgot to share about this intense session. My T brought a poem to read to me by Derek Walcott. I am so moved by her obvious caring for me.

Love After Love

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

that's a lovely, deep well of a poem. it speaks of having compassion for yourself to me. and it tells me your T has a deep compassion and care for you.

That poem resonates within me. Thanks for sharing, skysblue.

you and she shared that poem before. did you think we would forget?

I knew you wouldn't forget, hankster, but my T forgot. I pointed it out to her and she was embarrassed (she said). But then I said to her that uplifting words should be revisited as often as needed and it's o.k that she brought it again. And I told her I appreciated it a lot.

so... did you decide to take the other friday session?

Oh yes, I had to see her. I don't know why I even pretend that I can pass up a session. Obviously my T sees right through me when she tells me she'll save my slot. Every time I've tried to cancel, it doesn't work. I am compelled to see her - not compelled by her but by my own needs.

This is what I gained by going to Friday session:
http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=227860

Sky ... I had a similar experience with judging yesterday. I heard from a woman online who was complaining she felt bad because she'd been out drinking all weekend, again. It has been the same story for years even though she keeps saying she will change; then I remembered, I do the same with food Perhaps when we find something easy it's hard to imagine that anyone else could possibly find it hard; and then the things that are hard for us become monumentally hard and should be for everyone (or we expect them to be).

I'm sorry your silent voice suddenly found you when you had so much to say in that session I've experienced the not being able to talk more times than I can count I think ... but each time is a hard one and I know for you experiencing it freshly it was harder still I'm glad it worked so that the act of reading broke through and you could share some of what was going on; now please don't judge yourself too hardly for the judging otherwise it becomes a nasty cycle.

I'm so thankful Hankster remembered you'd shared that poem with your T before; Sky hold that memory of hankster remembering in your heart please for when you feel alone ... it's just one example that there are people who care about you

Good job on your T for holding your slot and to you for taking the Friday session