[twinarmageddons]

Okay, so I know I have posted about this before, but I have recently found some actual information that sounds a lot like me. I finally have my first pdoc appointment a month from now, which is great, but I think I'd like some more opinions on my issues before I go there as well.

Ever since I was about 3-4 years old, I get "obsessions". For those who have read my posts before, you will know I've said this plenty of times, but I think I have finally found somewhat of a breakthrough...and that breakthrough, sure enough, has not even been considered an official disorder yet. It's called Maladaptive Daydreaming, and it describes me almost to the exact mark. However, it is very much so a symptom of certain disassociative disorders, such as Depersonalization Disorder.

Okay, anyways, these obsessions are always fantasy-based in some way in reference to genre, and there is rarely a time of day when I am not thinking about them. I think about them constantly; and I often envision myself with characters from these obsessions, and will recall false memories that never happened with those characters, because my daydreaming is so vivid. Although my lines between fantasizing and reality do blur often, especially with memories, I still know what is real and what is not, although I do often get ideas of reference quite a lot. If I see something that is remotely ironic to my current interest or "obsession", I immediately think it is a sign of something, and go off into dream land.

Now, I want to make certain that there is understanding, here. This form of daydreaming affects my every-day life in every way possible. It doesn't even feel like I'm living sometimes, it feels like my whole life is one huge dream. When I am sitting here typing, I often do not imagine myself as myself, but a character from my obsessions, rather. It's the same with people around me. When I hear someone's voice and am not looking at them, I picture them as a character from my fantasy land rather than who they actually are, and I will still picture this even if I am looking directly at them. It's like they look like someone completely different, even though I am directly looking at them.

I have no desire to hang out with people outside my family or make any social connections because it will take away time from my constant daydreaming, and not to mention my severe anxiety of people anyways. The only time I would even possibly consider hanging out with someone is if they shared the same fascination I did, and would want to daydream and pretend and create fake scenarios with me. Sadly, I have pulled my 13 year old brother into this quite successfully, and my mom will sometimes yell at me and accuse me of "pulling him into my ****". I fear she might be right, in the end. Although we have fun with it, I am probably hurting him more in the end...but as I said, I can't stop.


I will often find myself pacing around for hours or going for walks while playing music so I can daydream even more than I already do, and going to sleep is very difficult thanks to me just constantly daydreaming about my obsessions, often with myself incorporated into my obsession somehow, and I make up my own plotline to go along with these characters as I am living with them.

In some of my daydreams I even have a relationship with one of the characters, and I have no desire for a real relationship whatsoever, because it would almost feel like I am betraying them, although the character I'm in a "relationship" with will change from time to time itself, so it doesn't end up making any actual sense.

For the record, yes, I have been in a real life relationship. I just got out of one a few months ago, and it lasted a whopping 3-years. I almost feel traumatized by this relationship for no particular reason, and have absolutely no desire for a real relationship ever again.

It may be fun, but my entire life has been nothing but fantasy land, and it is quite literally impossible to break, and when I do try to break it, it simply doesn't work. The thoughts and daydreams always come back, no matter what. I don't live in reality, I live in another separate world from you. My life consists of false memories, and the one's that aren't false have falseness incorporated into them some way or another.

I feel like I do have intense derealization here, because I cannot remember things clearly, and have a short attention span thanks to the daydreaming. I will often find myself staring directly at someone, listening to them talk, but since I am "daydreaming", I have completely tuned them out and forgot that they were talking, and will have to ask them to repeat it. Sometimes I even have to ask them to repeat it several times, because I will just start daydreaming again, and then I will have to use intense concentration to process what they are saying so I do not slip into my alternate life accidentally again. People often think I am ignoring them, but usually I just do not hear them or see them, because I am not currently aware of the world around me.

Does this sound like depersonalization disorder with derealization? Because I certainly do see things as if it were all a movie; rather, I remember things that weren't even there, or picture things that aren't there. I never actually hallucinate, save for when I recall the memory and suddenly the characters are there. So I do not believe I suffer psychosis. Any ideas? Sorry it's so terribly long!

[shezbut]

Perhaps you should bring this topic up in T ~ telling him/her that you suspect yourself to have Depersonalization disorder. See what they say.

The fact that you are aware when you've depersonalized, and have the ability to stay in reality if you really work hard to focus doesn't sound like derealization to me. Personally, I think that you've become sort of obsessed with depersonalizing. Just taking yourself out of the situation emotionally as much as you can. It's a pleasant place for you to go, and not face your anxieties. It's enjoyable ~ rather than deal with stressful reality. So, why NOT go often? That makes sense to me. Imo, it's a habit that does cause struggles in your life. But the positives outweigh the negatives for you right now.

Just my "peon" opinion. I'm not a professional T!

[twinarmageddons]

Originally Posted by shezbut

Perhaps you should bring this topic up in T ~ telling him/her that you suspect yourself to have Depersonalization disorder. See what they say.

The fact that you are aware when you've depersonalized, and have the ability to stay in reality if you really work hard to focus doesn't sound like derealization to me. Personally, I think that you've become sort of obsessed with depersonalizing. Just taking yourself out of the situation emotionally as much as you can. It's a pleasant place for you to go, and not face your anxieties. It's enjoyable ~ rather than deal with stressful reality. So, why NOT go often? That makes sense to me. Imo, it's a habit that does cause struggles in your life. But the positives outweigh the negatives for you right now.

Just my "peon" opinion. I'm not a professional T!

I get what you're saying. Haha, I'm not really sure what it is, I was just throwing depersonalization/derealization out there, because it seems like one of the next closest things. I have been throwing a lot of things out there lately; Schizoaffective, Schizotypal, Schizoid, Depersonalization, Bipolar.

I just want to get down to the bottom of what is wrong with me. I am already diagnosed with severe Social Anxiety and possibly Avoidant Personality Disorder, and Social Phobia. I just have a bad feeling there is something underlying in all of my lifelong obsessions.

I become so entranced and involved in this imaginary world, my mom has become severely stressed out by my behavior, and I make her angry quite a lot, but only because she is stressed out. And I feel bad, but I can't stop it. It quite literally consumes my life.

Although this is not an official disorder yet, and it is still under intense research and I am 100% I have this, although it can be symptomatic of other things, supposedly.

Here's the link to it if you want to know what I'm talking about! It's called Maladaptive Daydreaming.

http://www.scribd.com/doc/9089146/Ex...tasy-proneness

[shezbut]

Interesting study, twinarmageddons, thanks for the link.

Out of curiosity, were you able to understand exactly what you were reading? Or, did you read it a few times & stick with highlights?

In my experience, it does take a good amount of focus to read educational studies. The mind stays very active in retrieving definitions of words & terms used, I also have visual memories tied to fMRI and brain anatomy. If you were able to read along, without losing focus, perhaps your case is similar to the subject which the scientists were referring to throughout the study.

When she was bored, that's when her mind went free to wandering. She, however, had a lot of strength and pushed herself hard to stay intellectually involved at school and, later, at work. Her case was uncomplicated ~ no other illnesses ever present. Which is probably what stumped the doctors so much! If she'd had anxiety disorders or phobias, then the scientists would not have spent so much time and effort trying to find a single cause.

Clean cases, like the one above, are necessary for studies. The less factors that have to be taken into account, the better. That's a general rule in statistics ~ Thanks for reminding me of the fun I've had in stats!

Don't know if my input helped you in any way, but I hope that it did.