That Awkward Moment you break-up with your Therapist

Yeah... that's my experience too. Therapists know what to do with it. I think it's part of the attachment process. A good percentage of us in therapy have been wounded at the core, early in life. That can make it very difficult to trust.. to attach.. in the way that the therapeutic relationship demands.

It'll be great when you get to see her again, because when you walk out you will not feel ashamed.. you won't feel sad, you'll feel understood.. warmed.. like you matter.

And as an aside - they do care between sessions. Yes, they are paid for their time, but you can't buy the process wherein they carry us in their heart. It took a long time for me to see that. Bit by bit over time, there were repeated occasions where I found out one way or another that my therapist had thought about me, worried about me, planned things for me, and just basically carried me in her mind and heart. You can't buy that.

Thanks Crescent Moon, and do you know, i totally believed that until i terminated 5 mins after walking out her office and she replied with some generic ok, you know best, i wish you well, and you can come whenever you want if you wish.. type crap. Maybe i attach too easy, but how could she just let me go like that with no further discussion. Cos i don't even matter that's why.

Then I think you should tell her that you felt that way, and why. I'll tell you this... I had a lot of trouble for such a long time with interpreting anything and everything as 'evidence' that my therapist did not *really* care about me. As far as I was concerned, it was a bought and paid for relationship. Her care could not penetrate me. At about the third year, there was an unforgettable turning point. Something she did that went beyond the call of duty and could have been born of nothing but genuine 'care' penetrated me. After that, I was able to 'see' all the things she did that spoke care to me.

I wish a similar experience for you. In the meantime, leave it open. Once she explains her reasoning behind her response, you may interpret it very differently. I wish that for you.

Thank You , you know, i see all the extra things she does for me that shows me she cares, all the extra time, always replies with kindness in emails, she's said nice things. I felt her care but always somehow doubted it a tiny bit. And i feel like that reply from her showed how easy it is for her to get rid of me. There's no attachment there for her, no investment in me.

I can understand how hurtful it can be for your T not to respond in a different way from how she did. That she didn't try to convince you to come back and talk things out, or to continue seeing her. (not that this is what you wanted, but what you got is not what you wanted) However, the ethical guidelines that she practices by do not allow her to do this. For her to respond in trying to get you to come back would be unethical of her to do. It is up to the client to decide whether to come back or not without the influence of the therapist. This is part of protecting the autonomy of the client. It isn't that therapist's don't care. It is about them respecting your right to chose your own treatment at any point.

You mentioned that your T is leaving on vacation. This is a really big trigger for a lot of people. I wonder if you saying you weren't going to come back was you trying to leave her before she could leave you (ie go on vacation). You wanted to prove to her that she couldn't hurt you by leaving. Just a thought.

It sounds like that is the standard response really. I do understand that it feels quite hurtful though. I'm not someone who acts impulsively and I'd seen my T for 3 years before the first and only time I said to her "I don't know if I can return". Her response was "okay up to you" and that was it. I'm really attached to her...so I do know it's hard to hear it said like that. From continuing to work with my T I do think she probably would have liked me to return, well I hope so! I'm hard work and she's continued to help me and be really patient and kind and caring...and she's told me that she cares, so even though I'm certain she'd never fight for me to return, it doesn't mean that she doesn't care.

Is it at all possible you were testing her? (Not an accusation; just a thought since you seem to have expected a specific response as proof that she cared.)

Not "send", take.

You mentioned that your T is leaving on vacation. This is a really big trigger for a lot of people. I wonder if you saying you weren't going to come back was you trying to leave her before she could leave you (ie go on vacation). You wanted to prove to her that she couldn't hurt you by leaving. Just a thought.[/QUOTE]
Yep, i think you're right, there may have been an element of that.

Yep def testing her. although i wasn't aware of that at the time. it was a knee jerk reaction. A fear of her disappearing
This made me laugh, great advice tho.