Beating Tranference (Long)

I have been with my T for 5 years and at first I loved her like a mom...I wanted her to comfort me which she did many times...The first time she did it it made me angry even though I wanted it...
We have had our ups and downs in our relationship and now we are friends...She has been to my house and she wants me to come to hers...The point to this thread is I have become stronger because of our friendship...The transference is over with and bouts of depression are few and far between...
I understand that in some cases alot of damage can be done by an unethical T but that is not the case for me....Cavi

How did the two of you become friends if I may ask? Are you still seeing her in therapy? I am glad your depression has lessened, but I wouldn't call it beating the transference. I don't think transference is beatable, it is just something we do all the time, whether it's with our therapists, lovers, friends or enemies.

I am still in therapy with her...The friendship was built over time...We both felt a strong connection and it just went from there....Cavi

Yikes....that's totally unethical where I live. She would lose her license. Dual relationships are the leading cause of malpractice. They cause professional sanction, and some states have laws against it to prevent abuse. BE VERY CAREFUL.

It doesn't seem to me that you've beaten transference. It sounds more like you've embraced it but haven't worked through what it really means. Nor does it sound like your T has resolved her countertransference. Dual relationships like that are very much against therapists' ethical code.

You can have a therapist or you can have a friend. But really not both in the same person.

Thanks for the responses...Because of the relationship I have with her I am doing as well as I am...She has taught me sooooo much...With that said the relationship does have a down side...2 weeks ago she took a call during session from another P-Doc and I ended up with a 15 minute session...
Ok I understand she needed to talk to this doc but I felt she could of rescheduled me for another day and she did not...This past week she took me into session 20 minutes late because another client was helping her with her computer...
Maybe I am wrong but I felt like she was taking advantage of me...Cavi

And there's the rub, Cavi, of having a dual relationship.

The therapeutic relationship has a couple of elements that make it impossible to *really* have anything other than a therapeutic relationship.

First, and most importantly.. whether you feel it or not, there is a huge power imbalance. This is tied to the second element, which is that the relationship is all about *you*. This will never happen in any other kind of relationship. Her focus is supposed to be entirely on you.. and transference is sort of a natural byproduct of that. She listens to you, makes you feel wholly accepted and understood, you rely on her for guidance, she knows many, many intimate things about you - but you know much less about her.

Trying to have an out-of-therapy relationship with your therapist will eventually lead to hurt. I'd encourage you to be very, very cautious.

That is the thing Cresent I know alot about her personally...she has been to my house several times....she wants me to come to hers...I know her family...The first 10 minutes of my session she tells me what is going on in her life...I don't mind that at all...I sold her a puppy and the deal is I get free sessions for 6 months for the puppy...
Honestly I don't look at her as my therapist anymore...This has been going on for over a year and honestly the only real problem we have on occassion is misinterpreting each others emails...I don't know what I wanted from this thread, I guess the past 2 sessions is bothering me more than I think........Cavi

**** Cavi ***** thanks so much for this .....I deff can see that therapist could have friendships out of the office.....

You can have a friendship or you can have a therapeutic relationship. You can't have both, no matter how much you tell yourself you have both. You are bound to feel exploited in such an imbalanced relationship; you already do.

Your T is really treading on dangerous waters here. This is not how a professional therapy relationship is handled. This lack of boundaries/dual relationship is going to cause you real difficulties.

I do worry that this is going to end up messy. Have you two spoken about what is happening here? Does your therapist see the relationship as you do?

This is some shaky ground that could collapse under you.

Have you talked with her about the session length the past 2 weeks?

If you don't look at her as your therapist anymore - do you still pay her? If you do, she's your therapist and she's risking her license to practice. This will not end well for either of you.

It's going to take the wisdom of Solomon to untangle this one. How much could you have sold the puppy for? What if you wanted to leave therapy before six months? (that's what's wrong with this "deal", your free will is being impinged upon, just the FEELING of any coercion is wrong.) Do either of you have partners? Is there a lesbian vibe going on here? What are your ages? How long has she been practicing? Is she in practice alone? Do you have a primary care physican or gyn who knows you, that you can talk to about this? When my PCP suspected I was being abused by my dentist, he offered to report him. So you have help and resources you may not be aware of. And we are here for you.

I am going to try and answer all the questions...We have talked about the relationship between us in great detail...We are both on the same page in the relationship...We have talked about later years and I would be here (she will be alone here after her husband passes) to take her to dr. appts. etc...
We are getting together to take the dogs to the beach soon...No, I have not brought up the session length for the past 2 weeks...Starting in August I start paying her again, right now no because I sold her a puppy...
I do not plan on leaving therapy any time soon that is why the 6 months works...I am 50 and she is 65...SHe is happily married and I am forever single...and no, there is no lesbian relationship to this....She has been practicing 20+ years and she works alone...
I don't feel that I need to talk to another dr. about this I am comfortable in our relationship...
I want to add the following...When I first started with her yes I went through transference, I wanted her to be my mom but we worked through that, now I see her for the person she is and not the person I thought she was...there is no blinders...I have seen the bad side of her, I know many personal things about her...she is an open book with me...
I am backing out of this thread she would be devasted if she even knew I was questioning the relationship we have...The main point of this thread is to say...It is not easy having a dual relationship...If you were in deep transference you could get seriously hurt if the bubble was broken...There is no bubble for me...Yes, I get frustrated at some things but you get frustrated in all relationships...Cavi

If it works for you I am not going to try and talk you out of it. Everyone has a different therapy relationship. Thanks for letting us take a peek at yours.

Thank you, Cavi. Your situation is unusual but I see that it works for you, and that's all that counts! I appreciate your sharing it and showing us a different aspect to the therapeutic relationship.

Well, it seems to me that her wants are taking precedence over your needs - this is becoming my favorite saying. And that's why we often end up in therapy to begin with, because our parents put their wants ahead of our needs. She is even putting her future wants (her rides to the dr after her husband dies? really?) ahead of your future needs. I think you wouldn't have written here if you didn't wonder yourself if there was something wrong. You're just 50, that is still young - why are you taking on an old woman, with no legal recourse? This seems very iffy to me. Be friends, if you will, but I would not keep her on as my therapist. I would not pay her, and I would pay someone else to process what happened / is happening here, to make sure your needs are not pushed aside. Were your parents alcoholics? You might consider attending an Adult Children meeting at AA. I'm sorry to be so pushy, but some things you said, I said about a prev relationship of mine, so yeah i'm a little freaked out. I wish you well.

Well, I guess the real test of how your therapist views things is for you go in and tell her that you noticed that you only got x number of minutes in your last two sessions, and since the session times were to go for the cost of the dog, you'd appreciate it if your August deadline for beginning to pay full price be extended by two sessions. Afterall, if you were selling the dog outright, I would guess you'd expect full price for a valuable dog. I'm thinking that you wouldn't accept a potential buyer's request that he doesn't pay full payments because: "I'm sorry but I have to pay another bill (take a phone call etc.) so I won't be able to pay you full price for the dog. But I really like him and want to keep him." Just my thought on the situation.

I'm glad you feel you have a solid relationship with your therapist, but it sure sounds like you're not getting full therapeutic attention. But each person gets to decide for him/herself!

Cavi.. you are comfortable because you don't yet know about all those sharp rocks beneath the paper mache hammock you are blissfully lying in. Your therapist is supposed to know better... she's supposed to do better by you. It's not your fault at all - it's wholly her responsibility to prevent what's happening right now.. but ultimately, you are the one who will pay for it.