[CantExplain]

Hi gang!

We all know that therapists are people too.

In the early days, T was all about boundaries and blank slates and non-disclosure and focus on the patient. I got a lot of therapist and very little women.

As time went on, she loosened up a bit. I believe this is therapeutic technique but maybe I melted her heart with my big brown eyes? (Yeah, right!)

Anyway, I'm getting a lot more woman. She tells me a lot more about how she feels in relation to what I say.

So I feel my relationship is a lot more real, but it's also a lot more complicated. Anyway, to get to the point...

When I see the therapist, I'm afraid I will lose the woman.
When I see the woman, I'm afraid I will lose the therapist.

Does anyone else face this dilemma?

[unaluna]

My T has finally become a comfort to me, a truly safe place, an adviser, someone who cares about and for me, someone I can run to with my tears. Before, it was ALL sexual, as it was with my parents; there were no other needs or values but those. I don't know if that's what you mean. Were you always "a little boy" to your family? I was always a marriage commodity - did we switch places?

[critterlady]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

When I see the therapist, I'm afraid I will lose the woman.
When I see the woman, I'm afraid I will lose the therapist.

Those are not mutually exclusive. Can't you see both - a woman who is your therapist? As long as the "woman" aspect is kept professional and no dual relationship develops, it seems to me that both in one person is the ideal way.

[Perna]

One thing it took me 6-8+ years to figure out was that all of my T was there all the time I had been seeing her but I had "tunnel" vision and only saw what I saw. So, you might consider that your T has been showing her woman side the whole time but you have been protecting against it or looking too hard for something in particular and missed what was there, etc.

At first I saw my T's ability to say the right thing at the right time. That's what I needed. But I noticed the 8 years out that I did not need her to be right and it seemed like she was guessing more rather than being spot-on all the time. It occurred to me that that was the difference between seeing her 50 times (6 months, twice a week) and 800 times.

The more you do, see, experience, the more variety there is, the more depth, the less likely any one thing will jump out at you, the more rounded a person you are getting to know becomes. I think that is partly why we can have so many problems with our parents; think how little we truly know them as themselves?

[Wren_]

I can relate to some of this ... for me it's not that he is therapist or man; or man or therapist but more, that he seems to be either therapist or person with his own personality and I seem to be aware of him in one role or the other but not as both at the same time. I think theres a lot to what Perna says about the tunnel vision with this though

I think I understand what you're saying. When my T was just "T" he sort of didn't seem human at all, just a therapist. Now I see him as both man and therapist. He's good at what he does, but not perfect. I know some of his weaknesses - no, not that, more like tender spots. In any given session my perception of him shifts around according to the conversation. Sometimes he's just T, like a thing. Other times I'm very aware that I'm dealing with a living breathing person, flawed and imperfect just like everybody else.

It's interesting, now that you mention it. Yeah, it DOES make the relationship more complicated! Talking to a blank slate is easy-peasy - being in a (professional) relationship with another human being is more difficult. At least for me. Here is a PhD teaching Relationships 101 .... or more like kindergarten.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by hankster

My T has finally become a comfort to me, a truly safe place, an adviser, someone who cares about and for me, someone I can run to with my tears. Before, it was ALL sexual, as it was with my parents; there were no other needs or values but those. I don't know if that's what you mean. Were you always "a little boy" to your family? I was always a marriage commodity - did we switch places?

Um... we seem to be at cross purposes here.

I'm not talking specifically about sex.
I'm talking about the relationship becoming more flexible and more equal.
That brings its own problems.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by critterlady

Those are not mutually exclusive. Can't you see both - a woman who is your therapist? As long as the "woman" aspect is kept professional and no dual relationship develops, it seems to me that both in one person is the ideal way.

This is disconcerting after so many years of keeping these roles separated.