How much do you tell your children?

Quick question for those of you with kids, how much of your "stuff" do you share? My children know my parents were physically and emotionally abusive, but I haven't really given them details ever. I have not told them about the sexual abuse.

Yesterday, I had a meltdown in a dressing room (again) while trying on bathing suits (don't know why I let my daughter talk me into that). Last time I was all alone, but this time, my daughter was one dressing room over and I had to try to pull it together and go pay for stuff for her and then drive home. I think it's the first time that she's really noticed me having a big issue. I was shaking and sweaty and having trouble not throwing up. She thought it was about body image issues. I don't know if she ever needs to know about the sexual abuse or if I just continue to let her think I'm kind of weird.

In a sense, it is about body image issues. Our image of our bodies has been compromised by the abuse. I don't try on clothes at all; I just buy them and, further more, if they don't quite fit or look well, I don't return them either! Fortunately I don't buy many clothes and I do know my sizes for the most part.

If a daughter asked for specifics, I think I would wait until they were married to mention sexual abuse. I don't think I would burden them with my problems if they are not their problems too and in ways that might compromise their childhood? My mother died when I was 3 and I would not have mention that to a daughter if I had one until she was old enough to not worry that her mother would die too, for example. My daughter-in-law was adopted and she has shared that with her young children, but only in the "I was chosen by your grandparents" sort of fashion, not in any "negative" sense of the pain of being given up by one's mother? Fortunately she has no issues with having been adopted so it's not quite the same as what you are talking about.

You are not weird, you have difficulties based on your experiences as a child. You did get yourself together and did drive home and did give it a try, going out with your daughter and trying on bathing suits! You are a strong woman and I think your breakdown probably shows that to your daughter. You could have stonewalled her (and would have been vague about why) and she would not know you as well as she now does. You were vulnerable with her and that's wonderful. I don't think you need details; that's part of your life and experience and not hers.

I don't have children, so feel free to ignore the rest of this post if you like.

My mother had loads and loads (trucks really) of issues. I witnessed and bore the brunt of it all. Whatever she told me, showed me. Whenever she over reacted, under reacted or just acted out I felt in someway responsible for it. Her history was an open book for me. I so wish that book had been closed - or at least not on the coffee table.

I think when a child sees a parent losing control, the child's sense of safety is undermined. ("if those in control, aren't, where does that leave me?").

Children are not friends, peers, therapists etc... They are little humans who rely on their parents more than any other relationship in their little lives. I think this is true even among the most rebellious of teens.

No one is perfect, and I will freely admit my mother was an extreme example. All any parent can do is try to keep their emotional stuff their own.

Kids should be free to be kids.

I think this is an excellent example from the child's point of view. I was a child who had to bear the brunt of my mother's issues and experienced the harm it caused. However, I also do not have children, so my view is skewed to the side of the child.

My daughter is too young (5) for me to explain any of my history, but I've certainly thought about whether and what I would tell her when she was older. It seems like such a fine line. On the one hand, I don't want to "burden" her with knowing more than she wants to know. And on the other hand, I want to be able to model coping with adversity for her. Whether or not that involves specifics of my history is another question, I guess. And I suppose I'd have to get to the point of feeling like I can cope with grace first!

I agree with elliemay that a kid's sense of safety can certainly be undermined when seeing a parent lose control. But I think it also depends on the degree to which the parent "loses control," and whether it is directed AT the kid, rather than in the vicinity of the kid. I think that allowing our kids to see us "lose control" (for some reason, I'm having a negative reaction to that phrase, but can't think of a better one right now), and then subsequently regain control and explain what is going on can be really useful.

I wish that my mom had had the presence of mind to explain why she consistently lost her s hit. But that would have required her to have had some insight, which she has not yet in my lifetime demonstrated. Doesn't mean she doesn't have it, but she hasn't shown it to me.

Maybe it's kind of like talking about sex with your kids. You want them to be informed, but you don't want to overwhelm them too soon with too much information. You answer their questions straight forwardly, and indicate that you're always available to talk further. Idk.

MKAC, I'm sorry you had the experience of melting down in the dressing room with your daughter there. I imagine it had to have been absolutely awful.

I try real hard to keep my issues to be just "my issues" and not involve my daughter. My wife has told her I have problems being around other people (and who knows what eles), and I didn't really appriciate her doing that.

If my daugher has questions about me she should ask me or my wife and I should sit down and talk to her together about them. But I don't hide things from my daughter either, she knows I go to support groups for people with emotinal problems but really is that any differant than if I was going to Bingo night for a few hours?

I think you take responsibility for the situation. You don't assume that, because you haven't told them anything was wrong, they think everything was fine. They know something was off, something happened. Only it was so horrible, you couldn't talk about it. That sends the message, if anything happens to them, they better not talk about it either, not to you.

Why do you have to say WHO it was that abused you? And why do you think they feel the same way about that person as you do? And why wouldn't you want to protect your children from your abuser? The same person who abused my mother, put his hands on me.

I'd say, if you're almost vomiting trying on clothes with your daughter, she could use therapy. I was left in the dark about my mother's issues while my brother was told everything; maybe she assumed he told me, but he didn't; maybe he assumed SHE confided in me as she had in him, but she didn't, not until very recently. It would have made a difference if I had had the Cliff Notes to my family history that everyone else had.

My oldest is only nine. She knows mommy goes to "counseling" for "encouragement" and that sometimes people talk to counselors if they need help talking about the things going on in their life. I've reassured her that mommy does this because I want to be the healthiest mom I can be for our family. She doesn't know the specifics of my history or what my T thinks are my problems. I wouldn't want her to worry about those things. The last time I was suicidal she knew mommy wasn't feeling good and needed rest. Im sure I will not always be able to keep it so vague, but for now it works. My other kids are younger and don't know anything at this point. At some point we will have to discuss it; at that time we'll seek some wise counsel on how to make sure they still feel secure.

Okay, last post on this thread, then I've got to back away.

I think it can be really really hard for those parents who have been abused as children to meet their children where the kids are developmentally, emotionally, etc...

Because at that time in the parent's life, things weren't so good. Who would want to revisit that? Who would want to identify with that? I totally understand. I even understand my mom now. However, I couldn't understand then. All I saw as a child was me. Totally normal thinking for a kid.

So I wish she had found a way to let me have what was rightfully mine as a child. My mom had a thing about birthday cakes. Every single birthday I had was ruined because *my* cake would devastate my mother. My mom had a thing about swimming pools. No pools for me because if I tried to enjoy one, it would destroy my mother. I feel like I didn't get to have very much of a childhood because of the pain it would cause my mother.

I also wondered many many times, "you know if my mom gets suicidal over a birthday cake, then how on earth would she handle me being sick?". How on earth would she handle anything?

Although to her credit she handled my fear of killer bees quite well by saying "no matter what happens I will be here". I'll never forget that because I thought "If nothing else my mother can handle killer bees".

She did try bless her heart. I can really appreciate that NOW, but not then - and the then carries forward somewhat.

As little as possible, but kids know stuff whether you tell them or not so you have to find some kind of balance. I probably haven't balanced it very well, but I do try.

I agree with roseleigh about a balance. Not everything, not a lot of the details or even the ickier stuff has to be told, but children shouldn't be left totally in the dark if there are things, reactions, they have witnessed.
My children are too young for many details, but they did see last year and were affected by my breakdown. The boys especially, 5 and 7, have made comments to me (or to select others) about things they noticed or felt. I talked some to them about how there were things that made me feel hurt or sick inside, in my mind, and I wasn't like myself; I told them I was sorry about certain things that happened; I told them I got help, got better, and that I love them enough to make sure I stay well. Those aren't the exact words, but sort of a nutshell. Since they are observant and couldn't help but have been affected, it seemed important to be honest in a way that they could understand and handle hearing, an age-appropriate way. My T did help with how to handle some of that, though, for which I was grateful!

My son is 5 so he is too young to be told about my ED. When I am having a bad day, I just tell him that mummy is feeling unwell and he accepts that and gives me a cuddle and a kiss, that alone can make me feel better

A lot of this has to do with the age of your children. Your daughter does not need to know the details of what happened. I knew way too much of what happened to my mother. And at way too early of an age (both general information and specific). I'm guessing (though I may be wrong) that your daughter is older given that she was encouraging you to try on bathing suits. I think addressing what happened with your daughter is important. As Hankster said, if a child feels their parents are out of control it is scary.

I would address it as something like: You might have noticed the other day that when we were trying on swimsuits I became upset. While we were trying on swimsuits I was reminded about a bad time [can use more descriptive-when i was sexually abused as a kid/ was abused as a kid-with older children, if you want to disclose that], from when I was a child. I wanted to let you know that I am okay. I have a way to get support [or am in therapy etc].I really enjoy spending time with you and don't want you to worry about me. Nothing you did caused this, me [/me and your dad] is/are taking care of this. If you ever have any questions or want to talk about this or anything else we can talk about it. Do you have any questions or want to talk about this more?... I look forward to doing [x] with you....

Matter of fact is best and lets her know that you are in control.

I think for me the best thing to hear from my mom/parents was that what happened (her reactions) wasn't my fault and that they were working to take care of the situation so I didn't need to worry about it. What I did/didn't do wasn't going to make things worse. That it was being taken care of and i could go about being a kid.

This statement can be adjusted based on age. I would never (no matter what the age) go into details of what happened. Going into the details of the abuse is parentification and another form of abuse. But explaining that you recognized something happened and it might have been scary for her to see lets her know that you are open to talking about scary things and they don't need to be hidden. That they aren't an embarrassment or shameful, and not something to be hidden away. The level of discussion will depend on the age of your daughter and her maturity level.

This is also just my experience having been a kid in your daughter's situation, but not a parent.

My daughter is 15 and my son is 17. They did not know anything about the abuse until a couple of years ago. I do not think I was completely out of control after the dressing room. I did hold it together to drive, and I did not let my daughter think that the situation had anything to do with her.

I have worked my butt off throughout my kids' lives NOT to hurt them or allow my issues to hurt them.

I guess I'm feeling really defensive and somewhat attacked.

I can't really respond to this thread because I don't have kids & wouldn't have a clue how to answer.

However, I can say that I believe the quote above to be 100% true. To the point where you've mentioned several times that you won't even allow your T to use your children as hypothetical examples in your therapy. You obviously care a great deal about protecting your children.

The bulk of my illness came when my kids were in their later HS years. They knew it was a mental hospital, they knew I wanted to die. I discussed very little with them at first, but as the years progressed I shared more and more. My son is 25, daughter 23 and they still don't know details, they never will. They know my dad was an ahole. They know he did sh&t to me. that's all they need to know. They also know my dx.

I do not, however, put any responsibility on them. They have their own lives, they aren't caught up in caring for me. Sometimes if they are free they will lure me out of the house and distract me for several hours. I call it mercy, they call it bonding. We have a very good relationship.

I don't think anyone here thinks you are hurting your kids, we can tell your a good loving mama.

Yeah, I get that. It's part of why my childhood sucked. But it's also because TO THIS VERY DAY my mother denies that she has any issues. She's not working on it, not aware of it, does not care how she impacts her children.

I think there is a big difference with a parent actively in therapy, one who acknowledges their issues, and one who tries to do right by their children. I think the parents on this board are much more aware of their actions than the parents of the people who post here.

Attacked? In this thread or otherwise?
I didn't mean for anything in my answer to seem 'attacking' of you or how you've handled things with your kids. My answer had to do with how I've handled things thus far with my stuff and my kids - it's had to do with me taking responsibility for my stuff, being honest with them, but also making every effort to put no burdens on them or hurt them with knowledge they don't need or ask of them what they cannot/should not have to do for me.
I agree with pbutton, I believe you have had your kids' best interests at heart and that you have done your best to help and heal yourself while being as honest as necessary with your kids ... I mean, in that, for one thing, you didn't let your daughter think the dressing room happening was her fault, you did address that, but you don't really have to go into the underneath stuff of it.
I think it's OK to be honest with our kids that we struggle ..... but not that we need to explain all of why we struggle. Some knowledge is just not necessary to share. But yes, kids need to know our issues/reactions aren't their fault .... there needs to be honesty in that, so we don't add hurt/burdens to them by letting them blame themselves ..... kids also need to know we are taking care of ourselves so we CAN take care of them, too, and they don't have to shoulder that worry/burden.
I think you're doing the best you can and that you ARE a good mother.

My husband and I both come from histories of abuse. We have three sons. It is really a matter of age-appropriateness and even more importantly, knowing each individual kid and what they need.

Our oldest is no longer a kid; he is 23. He has a pretty good grasp of what kind of abuse we went through and how it has affected us. I can't quite remember when we started talking to him about it -- bits at a time as needed. I'm thinking it was probably late middle school or so. He's a very perceptive kid, so he had caught on that we never spent time with my husband's side of the family, so of course he had questions. When I started having such terrible depression about 8 years ago and had to be hospitalized, of course the kids needed to have some kind of understanding of depression, etc.

Our 2nd is 17 now, but he has less specific information than our oldest. He has asked fewer questions so our information to him has been much broader. He's in therapy now for issues pertaining to ADHD. He actually sees the same therapist that my husband and I see which has really been helpful as the T is very well aware of what we are dealing with and he is able to explore any issues he might be having concerning what is going on with him probably more directly and definitely more privately.

Our youngest is only 13 and he is a very sensitive, gentle, kind person. He is absolutely not ready for any information other than some general information about depression so he understands particularly if I am hospitalized.

Kids are all different. We have to remember that they are not our friends or our therapists; we have to respect them as the children they are. We have to know what and how much information they really need. That isn't always easy to figure out, but that is where our T has been such a vital resource for us all as a family.

I am so sorry you feel attacked. I did not in any way mean to make you feel that way. I think you are a great mom and have done a great job as a mom. You did NOT do the things to your kids that were done to you. I'm really sorry.

I agree.I most definitely do NOT think of my kids as my therapist. I know I have issues and am dealing with them in therapy away from my kids so that I don't damage them. Ugh. I think I'm getting defensive too. It's hard.

Oh yes, it is terribly hard. Even under the best of circumstances, parents have a hard time knowing what to do for their children. Let's face it, we all know that as parents we make mistakes. We wish we didn't, but parenting is on-the-job training. So when we have issues that are out of the ordinary that affect our family, there aren't any books on the shelf about how to explain this stuff and deal with this stuff so that we don't make any mistakes doing it. We feel our way through based on our love of and knowledge of our children. That's all we can really do.

I was shaking and sweating, but still able to talk with her, assure it had nothing to do with her and that she did nothing wrong by asking me to go try on swim suits so we could swim at the Y. I held it together to drive home. To the extent that I thought I may have done something wrong, I let her think that I was upset about how I looked in a suit.

I do not treat my child as my peer or my therapist. She sees a grief counselor right now because of losing both of her grandfathers in rapid succession, and she has even complained to the grief counselor that I won't let her take care of me more, and that I don't turn to her for support. Her counselor, however, agreed that I was handling things appropriately in that I let my daughter see that I have grief and I let her know it isn't her responsibility to fix anything. Grief just is a fact of life sometimes.

Having my kids just be kids is a huge priority for me.

This is what I was looking for information on. I want her to know it isn't her problem or anything she did, but don't want to burden her with too much information. My daughter was not there for the melting down, just the sweatiness and shakiness after, which still made me feel badly.

My daughter sees a grief counselor already, but for what it's worth, I was just queasy, not dry heaving or anything. And I HAVE protected my children from my abusers.

Yes, a little attacked in this thread. Not by your response, though. Your response actually addressed what I was asking -- trying to find that balance between letting them know it has nothing to do with them, and certainly isn't their responsibility, and yet not give them too much information such that I burden them.

I got therapy before having children and wouldn't have had kids at all if I really thought I would be too messed up to meet their needs. I have done tons of reading, and even met with a child psychologist a couple of times when I had questions about how to handle certain things with my children. So the implication that I was burdening my children, using them as therapists, or not able to meet their needs because of the abuse I suffered really hit a nerve for me.

I'm sorry if you felt attacked by me. That was not my intention at all.

What I can say without a doubt at all is that if you've got a 15 and a 17 year old and at least one of them wants to go bathing suit shopping with you, then you have done all the really really important things really really well.

Some of my friends refer to their teenagers as those those beings that eat and live upstairs in the house!