[purplelephant]

OK, so this is something of a long story, but I'm going to do my best to keep it short. So please bear in mind this is the Sparknoted version.

I am 17, been diagnosed with an ED, fully weight restored and recovered. Unfortunately I am actually medically overweight and not allowed to drop because of my parents. I don't really speak to them (and it has been a year).

I had an individual therapist that I really really liked and she would pull my mom back at the beginning of each session since I'm a minor.

Last week, because I refuse to speak in Family Therapy, she and my parents tried to turn individual into Family Therapy.

I refused to stay in the room.

This week I came to the office building for the FT appointment with my individual therapist but wouldn't leave the car. When my parents and my individual therapist came to try and make me come inside and I avoided them while staying on premises (so they wouldn't call the police). I then agreed to talk to my therapist alone for a minute and we just had a heated argument in which I admit I said hurtful things and in which she hurt me very badly.

To summarize my feelings I'm just so hurt and betrayed because I had a guarantee that my T would be kept separate from FT and I liked her a lot. I had huge amounts of attachment to her. And while I know she wouldn't feel the same (as it's a professional relationship) I just thought that the nice memories we had together (playing a game one week, joking around, her trying to help with my issues, me admitting to her how much I like her, etc) would MEAN something. But in our argument she even called me "that kid" (which she has talked about before and here means the hopeless kid that burns everybody out).

So we went home and I told my parents I would start to speak in FT if they wouldn't have it with my individual T. And they haven't told me yet, but I stumbled across a plan to make me do both FT AND FT with my individual T or else there will be major consequences (grounding all summer, end of my music activities, etc)

It feels so awful. I finally gave in to them and they will just keep punishing me and my T will just keep hurting me. Don't they know when to stop?

[CantExplain]

((PurpleElephant))

I don't know how you can trust a T who reports to your parents.
Have you challenged her on that?

[WikidPissah]

that's wicked harsh. You deserve privacy. I think because your parents are held accountable for you it makes it hard. They need to back off now that you have proven you can overcome an ED...congrats on that, lots of hard work. Make sure you are honest with your T the next time you see her, tell her how hurt you are, maybe you can come up with an alternative plan together. Good luck.

[purplelephant]

CE, I really don't consider her my T anymore I guess. I don't know exactly what's going to happen But I did tell her it felt like betrayal and she said "I can see how you see it that way but that's not it" So I asked what it was then and she said she was doing what was best for my whole family.
I can appreciate that my family deserves support and guidance and attention, but that's what family therapy is for. Why MY T? And I mean, if she doesn't want to be my T anymore I respect that. I don't need a T. But even if I'm not seeing her anymore, can she just not do Family?
She told me that I'm just causing all the problems and I should trust that she's doing what's best for me, but.... She just doesn't understand that this is killing me. I will do Family Therapy everyday if I have to. Just not with her. It feels so violating and traitorous and... I can't tell this to people in RL because it sounds crazy to them, but this makes me jealous. I don't like to think of T getting all buddy buddy with my family because, you know... transferency stuff. And then when my family and I aren't even on good terms... it just screws with my head because she's on their side.

Wikid, I get that my parents are accountable for me. And while I didn't like them talking to her before my sessions, I respected their right to it and didn't protest. This just feels a little must. I feel like I've been honest and this is what they've decided. My T is head of the Family Therapy program, so I think she can handle my family when no one else can.

Thanks for your replies sorry I'm complaining so much. I just really liked/trusted T and she was kinda my only person. I've got some friends who listen, but when you're still just a kid you need an adult sometimes (maybe even when you're an adult, really- you need somebody to be the grownup for you).

[eskielover]

I think there is still some privacy required in what you say to your T can't be shared with your parents.....only things that are said by you in FT are things that your T could help them process, but not with things that have been talked about in the privacy between you & your T.

Might want to look at the HIPPA laws & how they relate for minors. I understand your feelings of wanting your T to yourself & not sharing her with your family. It's wonderful to have one safe place you can go & talk about things in your life you know can't get back to your parents. It's sad that your parents aren't able to talk with you at that level, but I'm guessing that there is some level of issues between you or you wouldn't have developed an ED in the first place.

It sounds like things are in a bit of a changing condition right now....maybe as things settle & you can keep some of your needs met in the process, you will get more comfortable with the situation. I always hated controlling parents.....something I struck out in fight when I was growing up (many many many years ago). Even though we know it's usually because they care & not just because they want to be controlling, it doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

Take care & look after your best interest in all of this also.....you will survive even if the path is difficult.

[Perna]

Do I have it right? You're going to be stopping individual therapy for family therapy only and that will be with your individual therapist? If you have to do family therapy, you wish you were starting over with someone else?

Life isn't neat. Doing separate departments in your head and heart like you're wishing for with your individual T only "yours" can't work in the real world. I would try family therapy and try talking; sounds like you have just moved your ED to words instead of food if you haven't talked to your parents in a year. Spending all of your energy trying to control life wears you and your environment out; it's much easier to learn to steer while you let the river use its energy to take you downstream than to try to paddle yourself upstream against the current?

[Fixated]

To me, you've been wronged. Your T is not putting you first. She is starting to see your story though other peoples' eyes instead of yours and hers alone. How can you have any sort of alliance when she is at your parents' whim. You are the one who needs the most urgent support. Probably not your parents.

I hope that your 18th birthday comes quickly so that you can take control of your care.

I know where you are coming from. I was in therapy for an ED. My parents weren't happy that I didn't appear to be losing weight, so they scheduled an appointment with my T. Neither they nor my T told me until after. I felt betrayed, and I never went back to that T.

I think it is good that you are trying to find some happy medium so that anger and feeling wronged doesn't stop you from getting help.

My teenaged son is in therapy right now. The therapist generally does pull me in for a few minutes either at the beginning or the end of his sessions to ask what concerns I might have. He never divulges anything specific from his sessions with the therapist; just information about what we may need to do in order to help our son. On occasion we do have more of a family therapy type of session, but those sessions again are focused on us as a family group and nothing specific about our son's sessions is discussed. It is helpful for him and for us as a family that these sessions are led by his individual therapist because he has clearer insight about him as the individual he is than a separate family therapist would have.

It sounds like you have a good therapist. Perhaps you might consider letting go of a little contol, which like Perna said isn't really serving you well at this point in life, and trust that your T really does have your best interests at heart. Talk to her about the safety and boundaries and reassurances you would like to see in place if these type of family sessions are to be held.

[confuseduk]

I'm with fixated, I think you have been wronged too. You put your trust in someone and they betrayed you. I went through something similar when I was in my early teens and it still affects me now, years later, being betrayed is SO damaging, it really is. It sounds like you need someone on YOUR side, to support YOU. If you wanted you parents to know things then you would be able to tell them, you should feel safe and able to talk to your T and be confident she will not betray that trust, unless you are at risk of course. But having no-one to confide in would put you at risk too, how can you get better if you feel people are conspiring against you and everything you say will be passed on? I do understand T's might need to work with families but they should do so with your consent. I'm so sorry purplelephant but please know you aren't alone and we are here if you want to talk

[elliemay]

this does sound like an awful situation. I'm very sorry for your hurt. I don't know much, but about this I'm pretty sure - when there is no communication at all, people really can begin to act unreasonably.

I think your parents are suffering from this lack of reason. I would try to talk to them. It might solve most of your problems.

I don't know your parents, they may be ****** people OR they may be people who care about you, and like most parents, want to know what's going on with you. It's their job.

I mean you don't have to just all of a sudden tell them all of your feelings, or every single little thing that is going on, but what if you went to your parents and said "look we have a huge problem, we're both making it worse, can't we find a way to fix it so I don't have to sit in the car anymore?" That must have sucked.

There has got to be a way for all of this to get better for everyone. I think that's going to best happen when all parties, including your parents, start acting like adults.

[purplelephant]

I appreciate both sides here. My head and heart lie more with the "you've been wronged" camp, but I do see it both ways.

I told my mom that this was very hurtful to me and she said that nothing is decided for sure yet. So we'll see how things go :/ I now have some hope that my T (or maybe exT now) won't be the Family Therapist.

I still have a very strong conviction that that is wrong and a violation of my trust. This wouldn't be the case for many families, but my T knows how much conflict I have with my parents and how I could see this as betrayal. And when I first started Individual Therapy (something my parents actually had to bribe me into) my parents GUARANTEED me that we would keep Family and Individual separate. So I see this as very, very wrong.

Thank you for all of your insights. It means a lot.