Does therapy make you more selfish?

This is just something I was wondering about and wanted input on from others

With the right therapist and outlook, I don't think so.
I'm still a minor living at home, so my T is always asking how my siblings or parents feel about blah blah blah
At the same time she tries to empower me to stand up for myself or take care of myself or respect myself, but only because I NEED more of that (as do a lot of people in therapy)
I don't think that's often a result of therapy.

I don't think therapy makes me selfish.....On the contrary, it has made me more aware of myself and my needs....I have always put everyone else first, and now I know that my needs are just as important if not more so.....I have deff become more aware of myself since starting therapy....

Therapy has made me much more aware of others' boundaries and allowed me to discover my own boundaries (and that I even have them!). It can feel more selfish not to say yes to someone who asks you for something when you have nothing left to give. But, then after recharging my battery I can give more later and give in a healthier, more meaningful way. So, I think that it actually makes me a less selfish person...

It might seem that way as we become aware that we have needs and there's nothing wrong with that and there's nothing wrong with fulfilling our needs. It took me awhile to accept this because I also thought I was being selfish by standing up for what I needed but it can be done while at the same time acknowledging others' needs. Good communication with loved ones is the key. But when a person constantly looks out for others at the expense of oneself, resentment can grow and happiness decrease. This is one of the many things I'm learning in therapy.

Thanks, you are all raising some of the things I struggle with as far as suddenly I have needs that I'm more aware of and can see how they aren't being met so my response has been more towards isolation. I'm finding I'm resentful and irrated by others in ways I wasn't before so that it feels selfish

I think it's done quite the opposite for me. It's given me more resources to cope with life, and in turn, I've had more to give back to other people. Before, I was struggling so much to cope with my own life, that I couldn't focus on anything else. I was completely overwhelmed with my own struggles. Now I'm less afraid of being myself in front of other people, of getting out there and living life, and that has definitely allowed me to give back to other people in a way I couldn't before.

Therapy has made me demonstrably less selfish.
I do much more of the housework now.

Therapy has made me realise that everything I have done in the past is to please other people or I have done things that I think other people think I should be doing, now I have become aware of this I am doing things that I want to do and follow my interests in my life, it has been a real opener and I am about to embark on a degree in a subject that I love and hopefully get the career that I want because its what I want to do.

I feel so excited and feel also that therapy has given me my drive back in life and that I do have a future and that I can achieve what I want in life. As I said to my T in one session,

Dream it, believe it, do it.

((((((((((( tigergirl )))))))))) this may be a stage; as you begin to learn more, it's likely that your feelings may change toward others you encounter who have not learned what you're learning in therapy. about life, about one's self, about what's important and what isn't. And that change will be permanent; you will have gained your sight, where others will not have done.

hang in there

therapy, esp these past few years with this T, has given me the courage to confront the mother IN A NICE WAY and just kinda ask her, what was she thinking??! Turns out, she wasn't thinking what I thought she was thinking. At one point, she kept asking me to come out and do stuff for her, which I felt I could not say no to (she's my mother, she says jump, I just ask how high, right?), but it was exhausting me and preventing me from recovering from my last firing and successfully getting on with my life. When I finally asked her what was going on, she said, "Oh, I thought you weren't busy and you were looking for something to do." So either she didn't own it, or she knows me that little! Or I rather think it's both. The family is always OVERLY surprised, stunned speechless, actually, when I demonstrate a skill they don't have and don't expect me to have, like streakless wall-washing, or using a whisk when first stirring in corn mush. What I'm saying is, if I had realized earlier how truly stupid everyone thought I was, I would have become a lot more selfish a lot earlier. All the times I overlooked their rude comments, turning the other cheek, being the bigger person, THEY thought I didn't "get" I was being insulted, that's how dumb I was. Truly. I finally came out and told my mother that, too - that when she made a harsh remark and I didn't answer, it didn't mean it was okay. Maybe that's unfair, but as my dad used to say, somebody has to keep the peace in the family - otherwise we'd be fighting all the time. So - is it selfish to train your dog not to bark and bite?

Maybe not selfish, but I definitely feel more self absorbed. I am constantly trying to get out of my head and enjoy other things.

It depends on how you are defining "selfish". Most people/parents when they have called me that have meant I was not doing things for them as much as they wanted or doing things in a way that wasn't their way, the "right" way, in other words So, if that is your definition, yes, therapy will make you more selfish :-)

can we please borrow you?

I need to send H and Kids to T.

I have struggled with feeling selfish because of therapy. But I think some of that also comes from my religious upbringing - which tends to emphasize others first, yourself last. But constantly "helping" others was making me resentful and burned out. A few months into therapy I felt like there was too much emphasis on "self" - self-esteem, self-worth, etc. It felt like those concepts went against what I had been taught for years.

I am now reaching a point of accepting my unique talents and abilities as what makes me, me and that I can feel good about that. And the better I feel about myself the more I am able to share my talents to help others. But I need to heal me to completely do that. Healing me is going to take some time and effort. I've been in need of healing for a long time.

I try to keep the end goal in mind - a healthy me - emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally - who is then able to share with others without resentment.

Such an interesting question!

I think it might prompt some selfishness at certain junctures.. like when we first start feeling like we really *do* matter, it might take time to find healthy balance.. but overall, I think it has made me less selfish. For one, self-lessness has been modeled by my T for a long time, and secondly, now that I feel `full,` I have more to give.

Selfish by the old definition I had before therapy, yes. Selfish by the new outlook I've gained with the help of my T, he** no. I feel like my life is half mine again. Too bad it took 21 years to get to this point.

Sounds like you are on your journey of turning this around and being more healthy.

In healthy families, children's needs get met so the child grows up being aware of her needs and meets them. Since she didn't have to meet other's needs at the expense of her own, to do this as an adult doesn't even cross her mind.

In dysfunctional families, one member's needs get met by everyone at the expense of everyone else's needs. These folks grow up continuing to be unaware that they even have needs and when they see a glimpse of their needs, guilt overcomes them because the "need monster" in the family made everyone else feel bad for even thinking about their own needs.

Maybe you are isolating because you are in transition and you are confused and dealing with guilt???

The resentfulness and irritation sounds normal, a normal response to suddenly seeing what is really going on around you.

When I did this journey of moving from dysfunction to health, I realized that in my adult life, I had really just set up everything to mirror the dysfunctional family. I was around narcissistic people because this was what I was comfortable with (healthy people are scary when you have low self worth because they really "see" you.) I had some work to do to get the life that I wanted and deserved. Awareness if the first step and you are there.

By my family of origin's definition, I have become horribly selfish. I expect reciprocity in my relationships and for the people in my life to actually care about my feelings.

This is huge for me. I have a hard time distinguishing selfish from self care. I am gradually learning this in therapy. Because I'm a fairly altruistic person, I find that I get SUCKED DRY from life if I am not careful.

Also, I think it's a Woman thing to some extent. This society (I'm talking about western capitalistic society but others may be even worse in some respects) offers lots of "goodies" to women who are self abnegating in some ways and women who subjugate their needs to serve others...over and over.

Some giving is great but if it's all I'm doing, it just builds resentment.

In that regard, therapy has made me more self preserving, self aware and self actualizing.

None of that is going to make the world a WORSE place, but it has made me much, much happier.

My definition of selfish has changed a lot since I've been in T. I tend to think of almost everything I do for myself as selfish. T is constantly telling me that what i"m describing as selfish is not even close.

I definitely feel more selfish and self absorbed. Its something that has been at the back of my mind for a while now so I'm relieved others feel the same way. I think so much more about myself, but I dont think its in a good way. I think I spent so much of my life not feeling like I even existed (and still do), that talking about myself for an hour a week and then thinking about what I want/need seems self-indulgent somehow.

Try "centred" and "self-contained".

Dar Williams has a song about therapy with these lines in it:

"And when I talk about therapy, I know what people think
That it only makes you selfish and in love with your shrink
But oh how I loved everybody else
When I finally got to talk so much about myself"

I'd like to think that I've been in therapy in part to learn how to love myself, and others better.