I don't want to take over MAL10's thread about not knowing what to say with my incoherent/incohesive rant about my own inability. So here you get a whole new inc/inc rant thread. Aren't you lucky!

Seriously, though. I feel so utterly incompetent when I read about how people manage to find the important things to talk about even when they don't know beforehand what they are going to say. I feel envious when I read about being able to say the important things, and knowing what things are important. I know I'm really lucky in that I have no childhood abuse or trauma behind me, and nobody has ever treated me badly - my issues all stem from myself. Maybe that's why it's so hard for me to access them, so impossible to know what I should be talking about?

I'm jealous, too, of those of you who have a T who asks the right questions. On the one hand, it is not my T's fault that I can't talk, and I can't expect her to read my mind to find out what the right questions are. But more and more I feel that she's just letting me ramble on about all kinds of unimportant stuff without even trying to make it matter. Case in point: a week ago she spent 35 minutes out of our 45 asking me about somebody else's problems - a distant acquaintance who's been in a bad way, which I mentioned as a kind of warmup. She pounced on it and wouldn't let go. (I promise, it was not relevant to my emotions, my situation or my issues - I feel sad and a little worried for him but I know he has a support system in place.)

On the other hand, she will not let me talk about things I've already brought up in therapy. From other posts here I understand that that's actually something that can be useful to do, because it's really hard to get everything out at once. I dunno. Maybe it's simply that she realises that whatever it is wasn't relevant the first time, so it won't be the second time, either.

I do feel that I keep repeating the same thing in post after post after post in here, though. Sorry about that.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Apteryx

On the other hand, she will not let me talk about things I've already brought up in therapy. From other posts here I understand that that's actually something that can be useful to do, because it's really hard to get everything out at once. I dunno. Maybe it's simply that she realises that whatever it is wasn't relevant the first time, so it won't be the second time, either.

Whoa! Who made her the boss of you? She sounds dismissive. I remember you saying there was a language issue, is there a big cultural issue too or what? I don't get what's going on here. I don't think you're at fault; I want to slap your T, tho, or at least call her bad names.

[critterlady]

Apteryx, it can be really hard to talk about some things. Your T's job is to do what she can to make it safe. My T says his goal is to make those hard things merely uncomfortable to talk about, not terrifying. And he never stops me from talking about something I want to talk about, whether I'm repeating myself or not.

I wonder if this might not be the right T for you. It won't be easy with anyone, but when you feel a true connection, I think you might find it doable. Someone with a different style might be able to more actively help you to bring things up.

[Mike_J]

Well one important thing is to have a therapist who is a good fit for you. How do you feel about your therapist, not a matter if you think they are a "good therapist" but are they the "right therapist" for you.

My therapist is AWESOME but that is my opinion, I'm sure there are lots of people out there who she wouldn't be a good fit for.

So I would suggest that you think about if you are with the right therapist, if not find one who is a good fit for you, sounds like your therapist might not be the right one for you.

And yes this is hard, but remember you are the boss, the therapist works for you, it's easy to forget that when the power dynamic is so heavily tilted in favor of the therapist, but at the end of the day, you are the boss.

[WikidPissah]

(((apteryx))) I have been in T for 6 yrs, with current T 2 years, and have had lots of "talk about nothing" sessions. I have posted lots of rants about him, lots of trust issues. Maybe once every 10-15 sessions something important would come up. It took me this long to trust. One thing that has been huge is emailing once in a while. I can write things, and he will bring them up. Is that an option for you?

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by Apteryx

she will not let me talk about things I've already brought up in therapy.

woo, this gave me a pause. Have you asked her about that? It's YOUR hour, ya know. You are paying her & are entitled to talk about whatever you want.
It's in the shrink charter somewhere, honest.

>> I do feel that I keep repeating the same thing in post after post after post in here, though
did you repeat something?
did you repeat something?

hey, we won't stop you, post away. You get a different audience every time.

One of my huge frustrations with myself in therapy is how I seem to keep needing to go over the same ground over and over. It got to the point where I finally asked him to leave me a voice mail so I could listen to the message I needed over and over without feeling like I'm imposing on him or boring him. He assures me I am neither imposing nor boring, BUT he leaves me voice mails anyway when I ask him to.

My T says a HUGE part of therapy is repetition because we heard the "wrong" messages over and over from our parents. Therefore, we need to hear the correct messages over and over as well, in order to internalize them. So, if you need repetition, you need repetition and your T needs to just deal, or get a new job.

Thank you, all of you.

First, I'm about to quit therapy with my current T. I have one more session, next week. Nominally it's a break rather than a finish, but I'm pretty sure I'm not going to contact her again.

The repetition thing has been bugging me somewhat. I've been reading up a bit on what therapy is supposed to be like and what MKAC's therapist says about overwriting negative messages by repeating constructive/correct messages is something I've read several times. So yes, it seems like something that should be OK. When I try to think about what T has been saying when I bring up something I've talked about before, it's not as if she says "You Cannot Talk About That", rather some variant of "You told me that already" in what I interpret as a dismissive tone. NB my interpretation. I'm not particularly good at reading the signs, and maybe I'm completely wrong.

Email would maybe have been an option. But there's the language thing as well (well remembered, Hankster!) - I find it hard enough to speak the words in Swedish, I can't even begin to try to form them on paper! (I'm Swedish, and so is my T, so obviously we do therapy in Swedish, but all the [two or three] people I've ever been able to talk to about personal stuff in RL have been English-speakers, so I have no experience or ability in phrasing my thoughts in Swedish.)

I should also tell you that I have not been honest with her, which is obviously not a particularly constructive way to behave. When she asks "Is x the main issue you have in your marriage?" I say "yes", because y and z are things I can't talk to anybody about, especially not a woman. Of course I should tell her "no, there are other things but I'm not prepared to talk about those" but I'm too cowardly to do that.

Since I'm finishing with this therapist I won't try to talk to her about how I wish things would be. Future therapy with a different T... possible, but there are obstacles that I can't talk about. If I ever get there, I think I'm in a better position to get a good start (if you see what I mean).

And there's still my pdoc, who may or may not agree to see me once he finds out I'm quitting therapy. I have an appointment with him in two weeks' time. (May is a hopeless month in Sweden - that is, it's absolutely beautiful and warm and full of flowers and birdsong, but there are so many holidays that it's really hard to schedule anything...)

Thank you all for listening to me. You have no idea of how much it means to me that you do.

[Sannah]

So you are getting a new therapist?

Originally Posted by Sannah

So you are getting a new therapist?

I have no immediate plans either way.

I really think I could benefit from it, if I did find the right person. I would like for that to happen. I'm willing to give it an honest try.

However. I'm not sure I have the energy and willpower to go through the process of finding another T. I was pretty much a wreck in September when I was contacting this clinic, and had to be prodded every step of the way. Can I do that again? When I know I might end up with another non-fit? I don't know.

And I don't know what I'd tell the H. He doesn't know anything other than that I've been seeing a T; he doesn't know anything about her, he doesn't know I'm finishing with her, and when he does find out he's going to assume it is because I'm well and fine and have no need for further therapy.

Yes, I'm deceiving him about this. Way to go, Apt. :-(

So I don't know what I'll do.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Apteryx - you are not the same person you were last September; today you have enough wisdom and strength to say, this is not the right fit for me, I need to leave. It will be this new Apteryx who might go looking for a new T, and would use all the lessons learned to find a right one.


My DH knew that I was seeing T1, and when she decided I needed to move on, I found T2 before I told my DH that I had done so. He was not surprised and made no protest either. I hope you will find a truthful way to present this, if it needs presenting to him. deception is a weed that spreads surprisingly fast.

hoping you find your right decision
SAWE

SAWE, you made me think - I will sit down and try to write down (for myself) how I have changed since September, what is different, what I have learnt (from T, from other people, from PC, from books). Thank you.