talked about talking

granite1 · May 16, 2012, 06:37 PM

so after about 1/2 hr of silence t said a penny for your thoughts

,after a few min i told her that i wish i could talk to her but everything is saying no.

she asked me, what is stopping me?i told her that every time i want to say something i beat myself up saying how stupid it is ,horrible,bad and a bunch of other words.she said that is the problem

she asked, if i had one thought that i wanted to share that i was able to just let it come out and not stop at the red light i have what would it be?

i told her that i had already shared my though,i really wish that i was able to talk to her

she said that is the problem that everything i want to say i tell myself is stupid and she then asked how i felt about what i said.how i felt about saying i wished that i could talk to her.as usual my head flooded with horrid,berating thoughts and i told her this

she so seemed to understand my struggle she said it isn't always like this,that last week or the last 2 weeks although hard that i was able to use words and talk a little.to have an interaction.she said that it was with using my words that is allowing us to make progress in T and that the key is being able to find out what makes me turn it all off,to find out what is making me feel that i need to do that.

she asked me at this point how horrible did i think what i said was.i couldn't answer.but finely asked don't you think it sounds so stupid to hear me say that.her response was..."granite think about it I'm a t this is what i do listen to people talk, so no i don't think it is stupid,what i want to know is what is making you feel this way.

she asked if the feeling this way started at the group home i was living in,i shook my head no and i said i have never liked talking to people.she said that babies are not born not wanting to talk to people.i got angry and said i know they cant talk at all. she said to look at a toddler and see how much the just love to talk and chatter on.

i told her that i was never like that that i always hated talking to people. she said again something happened to me that i was made to be like this

i couldn't talk.i so didn't want to deal.she wasn't mean or anything and maybe i was made like this bye the mother but i cant talk about it.not even a little. she was so nice about it.i mean it was only about a 15 min conversation but i don't think i could have handled any more then that.she wants to know when i started feeling this way.i want to write a letter to her explaining how it has been always.

i really do want to talk to her about stuff so bad maybe there is something to this talking about talking.now i just need to not beat myself for even open my mouth

WePow · May 16, 2012, 07:02 PM

((((Granite)))) What you did say held value for your T. You know, some people can talk and talk but never say a word. Other people can speak one word and change the world.

Perhaps you are one of those who make their words count. There is nothing wrong with that. It is a rare trait actually. And it does not mean you were harmed in order to become that way - if that is the case.

But only you know (or hold hidden inside) the real reason for your brevity. And that is something your T wants to understand. Perhaps you don't know the reason yet. And it may take work to get to that understanding.

When I had my first T in college, it was not by choice. And I spent many hours with my mouth superglued shut. There were reasons I could not talk. But my T figured out how to reach me through the silence. That was his job. He had to find out how to reach me because I was too lost to even tell him the way. Sometimes I think my T now would enjoy some of those silent sessions! LOL.

The point is this, it is her job to reach you. And she may not be able to do this by demanding words from you. There are other forms of therapy for people who have problems with articulation. There is art therapy and sand therapy. The T needs to find a way to reach you. In fact, instead of using words to let her know how this session made you feel, why don't you do some art work that SHOWS what you feel with all this!

BIG hugs to you!!!!!

learning1 · May 16, 2012, 08:00 PM

I thought you might like the book Quiet by Susan Cain. It doesn't say not to talk but it's about why some people naturally talk less than others and it's a good thing.

granite1 · May 17, 2012, 06:51 AM

thanks for responding my friends. i think it is time for me to take a break from here

WikidPissah · May 17, 2012, 07:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by granite1

thanks for responding my friends. i think it is time for me to take a break from here

???

About the non-talking. I do think there is something to talking about not talking. Just telling her what your brain does when you try to talk is a huge key for her. I think WePow is correct, doing some artwork about how talking makes you feel would probably help a lot. Then maybe you can bring it to T next week.

Sannah · May 17, 2012, 11:05 AM

Very good granite! Your session sounds very, very good!

Quote:

Originally Posted by granite1

maybe i was made like this bye the mother but i cant talk about it.not even a little.

This ^ seems like the issue right now?

sittingatwatersedge · May 17, 2012, 11:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by granite1

now i just need to not beat myself for even open my mouth

(((((((((((((((((((((( granite ))))))))))))))))))))))) big smiley hug, if OK

you are right, this is exactly what you need not do. a 15 minute conversation with yr T is good - this is very good! and you did it! not just a word every now and then, but a conversation. Very happy for you!!

these Wednesdays, they seem to be working OK for you. I'm glad!

confuseduk · May 17, 2012, 12:06 PM

Granite, you are amazing, I think you do so well in your sessions when you are so fearful and hard on yourself.

keep up the good work

struggling2 · May 17, 2012, 12:10 PM

i have trouble talking too. the only way i have made profress in therapy is by writing a letter to T everytime before I go. otherwise i struggle the same....my brain starts racing and i feel stupid for evertyhing i NEED to say but cant and its a vicious vicious cycel. its more like a jounral of my thoughts and what i want to talk about or have been thinking but i write it out like im writing it to T. its extremely helpful and i highly recommend it.

velcro003 · May 17, 2012, 12:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by granite1

thanks for responding my friends. i think it is time for me to take a break from here

why?

i hope we help and not hurt!

karebear1 · May 17, 2012, 12:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by granite1

thanks for responding my friends. i think it is time for me to take a break from here

Why??? Are you ok?

May 17, 2012, 06:46 PM

(((((granite)))))))))

roads · May 17, 2012, 07:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by granite1

i really do want to talk to her about stuff so bad maybe there is something to this talking about talking.now i just need to not beat myself for even open my mouth

granite *gentle hugs*
I feel so excited for you! This sounds like it was a break-through session for you.

Two amazing experiences/feelings...

Quote:

i really do want to talk to her about stuff so bad maybe there is something to this talking about talking

For me, in my life talking with the right person, at the right time can bring treasure. I hope--slowly, very slowly, with your T, you might risk discovering this in baby steps for yourself.

Quote:

now i just need to not beat myself for even open my mouth

Your T reminded you that listening is what she does and does not think what you said stupid. I hope you can remember her words. I rejoice that my friend granite has opened her mouth. it is so scary, even for me granite. But for me, with the right person, at the right time ... like with my T ... I am not hurt by it and I don't regret having opened my mouth.

I hope when you come back here you're rested. Rest helps all things.

Roadie