[jenluv]

*** TRIGGER WARNING -- S-I and ED mentioned ***

Today did not go as I hoped it would. I didn't get to do my usual "routine" of being alone, running, and cutting.

So to cope I decided to cut a little bit in some new places. Then I called T2 who told me to meditate in my "safe place." So then I decided to do a workout video and lift weights. While I was lifting I noticed how vein-y my arms were and wondered if I could access it with a sewing needle.

And now I'm tired from the weights but still spinning around and around in my head and really, really wishing I was alone right now.

Yesterday was a great day. Go figure.

At least I've only had 650 calories and was able to throw away the rest of my food.

But, oh yeah, I don't have an ED. Did you know that? I don't have an ED because I was overweight to begin with. Losing 40 pounds in 2 months doesn't matter unless you weighed on a little to begin with. If I ever DO get down to the "worrying" weight I'm going to give them hell. Where were you when these habits and thoughts were becoming entrenched? Oh yeah, I was just a "fat girl on a diet." Well, I'm not fat anymore.

Time to crank up the air conditioning so I can legitimately wear my arm warmers to cover my arms.

So effing done with this. NOTHING is satisfying.

[InTherapy]

I'm sorry you're having a rough time right now.

Have you told your T about the eating problems? Just because you don't have anorexia doesn't mean you don't have ED-NOS. The ED part stands for eating disorder.

There are a lot of people who want to change the BMI requirements of anorexia to avoid the very thing you're talking about.

[jenluv]

IT -- yeah, they both know, but neither of them are concerned because of my weight. In fact, I told T2 yesterday that I had lost 41 pounds and he said, "Good for you!" They both seem to think that it's just a passing thing.

Love you too, Trinity.

I just told my husband that tomorrow I'm going to get my nose re-pierced. That should help.

[jenluv]

Well, I went tonight to get it re-pierced. That'll hold me over for a few days probably. I like it -- looks good.

[pbutton]

Have you told them you're only eating 650 calories a day?

[jenluv]

pbutton -- no, I don't think so. I talked to T2 briefly tonight and when he asked what was going on I mentioned, among other things (spinning brain), that I was trying to make sure I didn't take in too many calories. T1 hasn't asked and I haven't really told him. I mean, he's seen me shrinking in front of him, but I don't look like I have an ED.

I consider a good day a day when I can stay below 800 calories and exercise (run/walk/hike/soccer) at least 60 minutes.

pbutton -- should they be concerned? Should I be concerned? I don't want to have cardiac arrest while I'm running or anything.

[InTherapy]

Originally Posted by jenluv

I consider a good day a day when I can stay below 800 calories and exercise (run/walk/hike/soccer) at least 60 minutes.

Tell your T this.

T's aren't psychic. To you it might seem like they should automatically know something is wrong, and sometimes they do, but they are just people too. You should be worried. T should be worried.

I never dropped below 140lbs but I did drop 38lbs in 2 mos. I've had terrible stomach problems ever since. Esophageal spasms, debilitating pain, heartburn, vomiting... I don't know for sure what happened but I know it didn't happen until after I started only eating 500-1000 calories a day.

[jenluv]

IT -- I will tell them. You are right, they aren't psychic. And I can "blame" you for telling them so it's not as shameful. I can say a friend of mine suggested I tell them and then see what they say, if anything.

[InTherapy]

You can "blame" me any time when it comes to telling your T things.

[PiperLeigh]