What Constitutes Sabotage

So I sent an email to my T on Friday expressing my anger. I don't think it was that bad, its not like anything I said was directed at her personally. It was more how I felt some of the stuff she said in session was judgemental. Anyways she emailed me back yesterday, clarifying that the way I was interpreting stuff wasn't what she meant. However at the end of the email she seemed to think I'm sabotaging therapy. Her exact words
"As for your anger towards me, I feel like to are trying to find ways to sabotage our relationship. Almost like you're trying to prove that I am not safe and one day will betray you like 'the others'.
Consider this . . . ."

So now I'm trying to figure out what kind of things would be considered sabotaging the relationship. I honestly didn't think I was doing anything deliberately.

I don't think it has to be deliberate to be sabotage. I mean, we pay our Ts to be there for us, to listen and help. Why, on the face of it, would anyone want to ruin what we're investing time, money, and energy into?

Still, I think many of us do things that might sabotage the relationship, probably unconsciously most of the time. I'm more aware of it than I used to be, but I've spent a lot of time trying to pull away from my T. What usually happens is that I start feeling safe enough to share with her, and that scares me (probably because I'm afraid she'll think I'm too needy or messed up or whatever and that she'll abandon me). So I pull back from the sharing, and also the relationship, thinking that she can't leave me if I've already "left." That leaves all sorts of room for miscommunication and hurt, and the next thing I know, we're having some sort of rupture.

If I were able to work through what was going on and my fears around it, our relationship would probalby grow stronger. Instead, it weakens when we stop communicating. Without meaning to, I've caused harm to the relationship. (Luckily, we've been able to get back on track every time so far. But sometimes it takes months, and that feels awful!)

I think we also sabotage the relationship when we refuse to let any of the T's suggestions in. And when we refuse to let caring in. And yes, when we get angry with T, even though the anger is probably meant for someone else. Cause even though they're Ts, they're human. Saying "no, no, no" to a person who's trying to help will eventually wear them down a bit, I think, no matter who they are.

Hope you're able to work throught this with your T. And I hope it brings y'all closer together!