[rainbow8]

I see my T in about 3 hours. I'm afraid. I sent her 4 emails since last Tuesday, mostly about reactions to her not wanting me to "get lost in the past" and to her wanting to do somatic experiencing. I was a little bit rude in one of my emails and now I feel sorry about it.

I also have feelings about her smiling at me during the session, and thinking that I would be devastated if something happened to her. I emailed her that too.

The session stirred up a lot about what the child parts want, and how my T knows that but won't let me "stay in that place". I'm attracted to "that place" like a magnet; it's my pattern and core issue. I know my T isn't telling me I can't "go there" at all, since that's what we're doing with the EMDR. She just wants to go slowly and add the SE. I feel depressed even though I know she's right about my "getting lost in the past".

This is so hard for me. I don't want to see her and get "all stirred up again". It's so much easier when I don't care about her and I don't have all this transference going on!

I don't think there's anything anyone can say to help me. Like my T says: "the best way out is always through." It's hard when I don't exactly know WHAT I'm going through; it just hurts.

[WikidPissah]

(((Rainbow))) sorry it hurts so much. I hope you find relief in T today instead of getting stirred up.

[peaches100]

((((((Rainbow))))))

I probably can't say anything to make things better. But I soooo understand the magnetic-like pull of wanting to focus on the attachment, and yet being so frustrated by it that you want to avoid t altogether, so you don't have to deal with how it feels to want something that you can't fully have. I have that same conflict all the time.

[WePow]

Thinking of you!!!!

[struggling2]

Originally Posted by peaches100

((((((Rainbow))))))

I probably can't say anything to make things better. But I soooo understand the magnetic-like pull of wanting to focus on the attachment, and yet being so frustrated by it that you want to avoid t altogether, so you don't have to deal with how it feels to want something that you can't fully have. I have that same conflict all the time.

amen to this!

[SpiritRunner]

I hope it goes well and you find some soothing balm in your session today.

[Perna]

Hope it goes okay; we'll be thinking of you.

[scilence]

How did it go??

[WePow]

Hope that everything went ok for you!

[rainbow8]

Thank you for the hugs and replies. I'm trying to sort out my feelings after my session before I email my T. I wish I could say it was soothing, but it wasn't. It was hard work and I didn't say as much as I usually do. The child part who wants T hid while I talked about my mother. It has to be that way if I'm going to get "out of the past" and into the present.

We started with it being about my T leaving on a short trip in July and how that makes me feel. I said I was anxious she'd get in a car crash. She always asks "when have you felt that way in the past?" I answered "when my mother was sick". So, I tried to focus on my Mom, not my T. Every time she turned off the buzzers, she wanted me to open my eyes so I don't get "lost in the past". It was hard to look at her. She said I could look at something else. I said that was worse.

So, I struggled to talk about feeling sad when my Mom was sick and dying. My T still thinks I haven't grieved enough, and I didn't at the time. I agree. But I found it hard to think about my mother and not about my T, and harder to talk. As usual, I wish I could have cried but I coudn't until I left and got to my car.

T told me that she had the 4 days training in somatic experiencing(the year that sunrise posted about) and she will be going for more. She also said that IFS, SE, and EMDR are all interrelated, so she's not taking anything away, just adding something.

I brought up "holding her hand" and she said that she hopes I eventually won't need it anymore. I told that she initiated it the last 2 weeks! She wants the child part to "let go of the burdens" and just "play" like a child should do. I don't quite understand that but I couldn't deal with it today.

So, this is hard. Part of me wants to stay with my pattern and make it be about my T. Part says I have to do this even though I don't want to. We have talked about my Mom before but it's different now, with the EMDR.

I feel like I'm losing my T but I know that's not true. I told her I'm mixed up about her and my mother. Knowing about transference doesn't make it any easier. She sees this as different from the child getting "lost in the past". I wasn't a child when my Mom got sick; I was 29 but I felt like a child.

So, my therapy is not going to be all about handholding and making the child get comforted, though I'm sure there will still be some of that. I'm kind of depressed right now but I know it's okay to feel this way and that it won't last forever.

[rainbow_rose]

emotions surrounding our parents are complicated. I'm discovering that myself. I believe one thing, then my therapist turns that belief on it's side and i start to see it from another angle and how many more pieces to it there are.

lots of hugs to you, rainbow. give yourself some tlc. you've worked hard.

[Wren_]

(((((((Rainbow)))))))

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

T told me that she had the 4 days training in somatic experiencing(the year that sunrise posted about) and she will be going for more.

12 days is the first year of training. I am glad your T will be continuing for more training. That shows she must think this is a valuable therapy and wants to learn even more.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

As usual, I wish I could have cried but I coudn't until I left and got to my car.

Do you think that you can't cry with your T because it feels so good to be with her? So those good feelings make the sad hard to access? Once very early in therapy I was having trouble grieving the loss of an important person from my past, and my T told me he thought I felt too good with him to be able to do the grieving with him in session. So he gave me a written assignment to do outside of therapy so I could let out some of the sadness. I was much more able to be sad that way. (Now we seem to be past that and I can grieve with T there.) It sounds like you are able to grieve outside of therapy. Maybe this will be enough? You can shake the grief loose during therapy and then let the tears come afterwards?

Sounds like a challenging session but some great work accomplished.

[rainbow8]

Thank you, rainbow_rose and tigergirl.

sunrise: I appreciate your reply and questions. Thanks! Yes, my T thinks SE is useful though she told me if I didn't want to do it, we didn't have to. She reassured me that she wouldn't try to use anything she didn't feel adequately prepared for. That was nice to hear.

I don't think the reason I can't cry in therapy is because it feels so good to be with my T. I feel sad during some sessions but can't cry. I think it's more to do with my inhibitions about letting people see my cry. I've never been comfortable seeing others cry either. It's probably because I learned from my family not to cry with others. We were a non-demonstrative family; we kept our feelings inside of us.

Yes, I've been able to cry outside of therapy by myself and that could be enough. It's just that I want to be able to cry with my T. I don't want to be so inhibited. It's also related to my shame issues, I suppose. I want to be able to "let go" when it's appropriate, and it's certainly appropriate to cry in therapy. I'm basically self-conscious so it doesn't happen. If I ever DO cry in therapy, I think my T and I will celebrate (I know that sounds weird, but for over 15 years I've wished I could cry in therapy, so it would be something to celebrate if it ever happens.) I don't want anything bad to happen, that I have to cry about, though. That would be awful! Just the grieving for my mother, and my father too, for that matter. And for whatever the baby/child parts missed.