stay with me?

I have been sticking with this post and the one before. I been there and know it's hard to be in the place where it feels hopeless.
Sometimes doing nothing is doing something. I have to give it to you about staying consistent in staying here and posting. Hang in there.

Just read your blog post and oh Lilly, I'm sorry you're having these thoughts now. You have a heavy burden on your shoulders, and I hope you can find some relief. None of what you wrote about is your fault. There's no shame in needing to leave something for yourself (I know that wasn't what you wanted but it's still not shameful to be asked to leave either). You'll be beat at helping others when you are best at helping yourself, and that's something that's hard for you, and that's ok.

I don't know what happened with you and your old T but that doesn't sound lol your fault either. You did not cause anyone to abandon you; they made a choice that had to do with their own stuff. It's not fair.

You WILL find a way out and you WILL be able to be your own best support, and you will find support from others. An you will be able to help others the way you wanted to -- let your determination to help those in need drive you to meet your own needs.

Thank yu Calista.

I'm eating some cereal to absorb some of the alcohol. That's a good coping skill right?

maybe I should've put a trigger warning on that thread? it's kinda graphic. I'm sorry. I always come back to that story. It was just a defining moment of my life I guess.

He just looked at my profile. a few hours ago. I saw him in the visitors list. it sorta made me feel better.I don't know why.

some other guy is emailing there though and he's really cute and really interesting. we have a lot in common. I applied for a job at his old employer. that's making me feel better too. maybe I'll meet someone new and interesting.

(((( Lilly ))))

I'm glad to see you're hanging in there, but I feel so sad that you're struggling so much. I have always been told to try to do ANYTHING active to help release the pent up negative energy....and to help get my mind off things, even for a little bit.

Something about your post really struck me. I tend to have night terrors...sometimes flashbacks, sometimes just really awful nightmares...So nearly every night, I tend to lull myself to sleep while imagining being in my T's office...or walking through his garden with him....etc. It's a self-soothing method that I use to help me, and it works. There is no right or wrong. (( HUGS ))

I miss him so much! is the fact that I fell in love with him proof that I'm crazy?

Is the fact that I'm obsessed with him proof that I'm borderline?

Did he see this side of me and become so disgusted that he left me?

This is so much sadder than last night. Where's the beauty and amazingness of the world? I don't feel that this time. All I feel is overwhelming sadness

i think it's because if I die now I'll know that people didn't love me all that much. Not my ex-T for sure. Not my fiancé even. Last time I was going to do this I new they loved me (I wanted to do it anyway though). This time if it happens I'll die with the painful knowledge that they didn't love me. That in the end I acted so crazy that they couldn't. I had ceased being me. In the end I was tiresome and crazy. They will be at least somewhat relieved. under the sadness they will feel relief.

I wish I'd never met all the beautiful people in my life that I never meant to hurt.

"If everything you think you know makes your life unbearable, would you change?"

i took some valium. not too much.

so many things I left undone here. but I could not do them. I'm really sorry. I tried so hard. I did the best I could.

I want to go back home.

(((Lily))) are you safe? I'm worried about you. Nothing you felt for that T was wrong or "borderline" behavior. Many people love their T's.
Why are you so down on yourself? Maybe I missed something but I can't see that you've done wrong. OK...You miss T. I would too. You will get over this. I did get over it.
Please be careful. It's too easy to OD with Valium. (I know)

you can't od with valium alone. you gotta add alcohol.

I want you to know I had the most ****ing beautiful childhood ever. It was the best time of my life. It was the last time I was truly me. I was nothing but me. It was heaven. I want to go back there. I feel like I can somehow go back.

Here's the song in my signature:

It's a beautiful song

"Every living thing could use a little mercy now. Only the hand of grace can end the race of another mushroom cloud.
People in power will do anything to keep their crown.
I love life and life itself could use a little mercy now."

Just checking in Lilly, hugs. Stay safe ok? They're are people that care about you. And I see know proof that you are crazy or borderline, only that you have feelings which makes you very normal and human. I'm sorry they are so strong and dad right now. Things will get better. Just hang on, one moment at a time

J wouldn't want me tO die. I know he wouldn't.

I hope you're ok lilly. Let us know how you're doing when you get around to it...ok?

Been thinking of you lots this morning and sending positive wishes! Check back in soon (when you can), okay?

There's NOBODY on this earth that wants you to die - except maybe a part of you, lovely - you know that, don't you?

Lilly, I have kept you in my mind/heart .... and am just hoping that this morning you are safe, and that today you can see a little ray of hope. It's there, waiting for you to see it.

Hi lilylillie - just wondered how you are doing now? Hugs - Soup

I'm okay. I took a lot of Valium and slept on the couch. Not sure what's going on with the boyfriend. He's got a busy week so probably won't see him much. I'm pretty much on my own. Put in several calls to Backup T last night so maybe he can see me on Tuesday.

This soooo sucks 'cause I was doing so much better recently! I even got that job offer last week. I felt confident that I was on the verge of getting my career back on track and rebuilding my life. Now I've gone and ****ed it up again. Does last night count as being suicidal? Do I have to tell the DBT group leader that? I really dislike that man. Plus he's just the group leader. He's not my individual therapist so maybe it's not really relevant. I'll just say I had a hard time Sunday night, tried various coping techniques but in the end pills worked better. I slept through the night.

I put in more calls to more therapists this morning. Someone's got to call me back right? hopefully... but in my experience you call 50 and maybe 1-2 will call you back. I've been trying for months to find a replacement for ex-T. No luck so far. But I'm gonna keep trying.

I know several of you have therapists who allow you to call them during crisis times like that. How do you find those kinds of therapists? I can't find any therapist who says anything other than "go to the nearest emergency room" which, not having insurance, I'm simply not going to do.

Lilly, you haven't ****ed up again. Whether you were sui or not last night you made it through. So you used the Valium to do that, big f'ing deal. Sometimes we fall back on old coping mechanisms, but that doesn't make us bad or crazy. We spent a long time learning the old ways to cope, it will take a long time to adjust to new ways to cope. At least you tried some alternatives, that's way more than I do sometimes. Give yourself a break, you were hurting and vulnerable. I really hope you find a replacement T quickly.
BTW: I still firmly believe your exT was wrong.

Glad you're ok. Be kind to yourself today.

@Wikid you believe he was wrong about the BPD?

Hey, she's back! Yay! So... you don't get angry, really, do you? neither do I. snarky, yes, but not good ol' normal "you can't do that to ME" anger. Because i always knew they could and would do whatever they wanted, they were effin crazy and absolutely without morals. And would lie if they got caught. Well, that's just me.

I hate the term BPD...I just don't think labeling someone with that helps them in any way. The thing is, whether you have or don't have BPD, you shouldn't have been treated in that way by a professional. It is not routine for therapists to dump their client after a sui attempt. Now if you were exhibiting a lot of what they call "borderline behaviors" (I don't even like that phrase), I can see him discussing DBT (or other recommended therapies) over a few sessions to ease you into it. But I don't think anyone should be abandoned because they attempted sui. From what it sounds like, you didn't even get a closure session. That is just wrong.