Under the sandpaper thumb

T2 really gave me the "sandpaper thumb" yesterday (you know, to squash a bug really hard).

SAWE: do you think that this [tendency to a distorted reaction] is compounded by the fact that A is still in my life today, and is on my list of ... abusers (I choked on the word, but she permits me no other word) ?

T2: It's reasonable to think so. Of course, A isn't the only person on that list.

SAWE: no...

T2: and B is not the only other person who would be on that list...

SAWE: ulp, no..... thinking to myself about C,D,E, and more etc..........

I felt absolutely like ****, like crawling into a hole.
Today I am depressed and she says, "Coming out of denial is progress. Think about blessings."

I am willing to think about blessings. but why do they do this to us?

I actually wish my T would confront me like that.

(((sawe)))

really WP, I'd make you a good price for her today.......
and yet I know that this is her job, and she's damned good at at too. I know she's the right one for me.

I just wish it wasn't so hard.

No, to be precise: I wish the hardness of it wasn't my own fault.
but it is of course.

I'm sorry it wasn't what you wanted to hear at that moment, but maybe it'll turn out to have been a helpful response in the long run? It's more than okay to feel upset about it though - I know I've had moments where I've disliked T2's blunt statements!

I like how your T interacts with you! My (ex) T2 wouldn't respond to questions asking her opinion - she'd just sit in silence and stare uncomfortably long and hard at me.. I never did see what that achieved other than making me really self-conscious and not want to say anything at all.. weird! I still love and miss her though, go figure!

'I also hate people who ask cheerfully how you are when they know you're feeling like hell and expect you to say 'Fine.'' - Sylvia Plath

hey hey...go easy on SAWE, she's had enough for one day.

Coming out of denial is so difficult. The only reason we're in denial in the first place is because the stuff is so incredibly painful that we can't face it. So obviously, when we finally manage to bring this stuff to the surface and actually deal with it, it's going to hurt like hell. But the good part is that when you get through all this crap, you won't have anything to be in denial about anymore. Sorry you have to deal with all this ......

SAWE: They do it because they think it will help us. Plus, THEY aren't the ones getting depressed. WE are.

denial is easy,coming out stinks♥

My T and I were discussing my fears about losing my mother in law and I mentioned how difficult it would be to lose someone who really cares about me and makes me feel loved. T said, "who have you lost who really cared about you and made you feel that way." I started to say my grandparents, and T interrupted me to point out the ways in which my grandparents had never really been there for me or cared. Started to say my dad, and then T stopped me again and said, "you had no one. You had no one who really cared about you and made you feel protected and loved growing up. No one." Harsh, T. Harsh but true and why are you making me face that right this minute? His point was that, of course I'm terrified of losing my mother in law, and if I stop denying how horrible my childhood was, that terror will make sense, and I won't feel like such a weirdo about it.

Denial is easier. Reality helps us stop having distorted thoughts about ourselves.

If reality (and facing it) was easy, there would be no reason for denial. I'm glad you're facing reality, but I'm sorry that it makes you feel bad.

yesterday PM I couldn't stand it any more and emailed this exchange to T2, and asked, "excuse me, but just how is this supposed to be therapeutic? I am face to face with my own filthiness. Gee, this must be good for me. ya think?!"

and she hasn't answered.

I'm angry; at what happened I guess so, but it's always been there, it is reality; angry at T for rubbing my nose in it. I don't see how this is helpful at all. To sit around saying "you had no consent in these things & no reason to be ashamed" is Perfectly. Pointless. The shame is there, always has been, and it's not showing any signs of packing its bags.

If this is going to be therapy from here on out, I don't know if I can continue. There is only so much misery a person can take before they start thinking about stupid stuff, like SH and other SH**..

I'm sorry it's hard and painful, SAWE, but I am really happy that you have a T who is direct with you and is helping you face this and go through it - it means she does care for you, has your best interests in mind, and is a good T.
It sucks majorly, but it's really much much better to live in reality, in mindfulness, than in denial ... I know denial is the place of least resistance and easier to stay in, but what is most comfortable/easy is not best always for the growth and healing of heart mind and soul (it's a false easiness). But then, I know you know that .... and I know that because you have had the strength to come this far, you are not going to turn back, turn away .... you'll keep going and the strength for the journey will keep coming! You're doing well, really I think so.
Many hugs to you!

A couple of thoughts. One that jumps out is that your choice of language in reference to yourself, "filthiness", suggests that maybe working on self acceptance would be helpful to you. I don't know what you are referring to as being "filthy", whether it is the original abuse you suffered from others, the fact that you experience some cognitive distortions that are related to it, or that there are several former abusers still in your life. None of these things makes you a bad person or deserving in any way of such a harsh label. Many people here, including me, could claim all three of those things as true for us, would you call us "filthy"?

Second, what you are making about your T is really about you. You are the one who made the insightful connection between the cognitive distortion and the ongoing presence of an abuser in your life. It's really you who raised the issue itself and your T that built on what you pointed out. Maybe you weren't ready to really hear what you yourself had to say, but I'm guessing that is not the case, or you wouldn't have said it.

Third, it seems to me that now you have some choices to make. If you want to change the cognitive distortion, you can re evaluate the presence of people in your life who *may* be keeping you from doing so. You can also change the way you see yourself as a part of this. This is all under your control. The only person whose thumb you are under is your own.

LMTL - Self acceptance is one of the things I am working on, yes.

You said >> None of these things makes you a bad person or deserving in any way of such a harsh label. Many people here, including me, could claim all three of those things as true for us, would you call us "filthy"?
None of you, of course not. But I cannot read your thoughts, your situations; on the other hand, I know mine, I'm in here. I find that it makes a big difference.

You also mentioned this >> you can re evaluate the presence of people in your life who *may* be keeping you from doing so.
no, that particular person is in the picture to stay. Part of the mess that T2 has taken on helping me clean up, poor woman, will include how to handle that. Thanks for caring enough to post, though.

BTW, T2 did write back. She said
a) I’m listening
b) In session, sometimes I am the voice that speaks the truth.
c) I know it’s hard.
This helps me a lot; in fact, she gave me exactly what I needed & the spiraling stopped. She is there, I am not alone; yes I am hurting but she knows it, and is holding up her end of the process none the less.. This is essential; if she were to back off and go easy, I would never be “done”. I’m not angry with her any more.

Still, I can’t believe this could be so hard. Thanks so much PC folks for yr support.