Sucking it up

((((((((((((((wp)))))))))))))) so NOT a loser!!!!!♥♥♥

So sorry I missed this thread Wikid. : hug: I am sorry your session was so difficult.

no, he wasn't a jerk. I just kept freezing up. He brought up attachment, he kept asking me questions about it but I couldn't answer. He told me that he was attached to his T, so he knew how painful it could be. He kept asking what I found the hardest, and after multiple "I don't know"s I finally just said "I take care of myself, always". That was it. Then of course he wanted to know where i was at with the medication tapers. I guess I made a face, so he was like "hey, I am your therapist. When a client with your history goes off medication without pdoc approval I get nervous. I have to be responsible here, I need to know if you are in trouble" I just kind of nodded. He told me multiple times "I only know what you tell me". I just kept nodding. I did try to tell him about my fear of being around women, but I didn't get much out...i don't think he got it. He tried so hard, he kept asking questions. I don't even remember the latter half of the session, I was spacing out, coming and going in my mind. We did some grounding stuff, then I left. He asked me to text him tonight and let him know how I was.

Wow...that was not a wasted session... you told T a lot... maybe not with all the words and explanations you wanted to or imagined ... but he knows there is so much more but maybe he knows from all the spacing that you are not ready to give all of that words and that is okay.

Be patient with yourself

Wikid, I agree, I don't think that was a wasted session at all or that you failed to say what needed to be said .... but I am very sorry it felt like torture. I've gone into session knowing I NEEDED to talk about something and usually I can talk quite freely but there have been times the words jammed in my throat and it's horribly agonizing and disappointing. It made me furious, furiously frustrated, frustratedly furious!
Yet, I'd say focus more on the fact you DID say some important things, and on the quality of the words/content rather than the quantity of words or even the ease of expression. It isn't only words that say a lot. I think your pain had to have come across loud and clear to T and said a lot to him.
It was painful but you were brave. I think you did well.
No need to decide now on whether to go back again ... give yourself time to rest from this effort and then see .....

oh (((((Wikid))))) I'm so sorry I'm just now catching up! That was NOT a wasted session, girl! and damn you ****ing rock! that you went through that AND you resisted the pills and vodka option!! pardon my french but @$^#&@!! you know how much better you did than I did the other night and I hadn't gone through anything near what you did today!! honey, that is freakin' awesome!

Look, you should be feeling very freakin' proud of yourself right now!! good lord darlin' how astronomically high are your expectations of yourself???? Why do you have to expect yourself to be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound??? You went to the appointment. You DID get some words out! You did the best you could!! Don't you dare ****ing believe you failed here. You most certainly did not.

I think this is the most strongly worded reply I've ever posted on the boards, btw, so let that tell you something. You did something incredibly painful and you did it well. You did not shoot down the moon or save the planet from crashing into the sun. big ****ing whoop.

<end soapbox rant>

We love you Wikid. I hate to see you beating yourself up like this when it's so obvious that you deserve praise not condemnation.

Thanks TD, Seasalt, Pbutton, apteryx, Bashful Bear,
Lilly, Stopdog, Lola, Sannah, MUE, RTS, MKAC, Lost, and SpiritRunner.!!

Its nice to get feedback when you feel so crappy. I am a little better this morning. I am just going to try to put this whole therapy thing behind me.