[shoez]

T has been cancelling a lot lately, and in the past I just dont get why it happens to fall on my day, but I keep trying hard not to be paranoid about it.
But then cancelled again for a whil cuz of an emergency. Idk, I mean...
I am so confused about my life anyway, i never know what im doing I always feel lost and like im just trying to live someone elses life.
I dont know if I miss appointments, but I always feel like I make it to her office....
but maybe im too much, maybe im too annoying....maybe im disgusting and shes just being nice.

I hate myself , and I feel like well i cant tell T how i feel cuz im afraid shell run away from me or somethin, or maybe that emergency that shes having is a bad 1 and she cant take me for a while.

Im just a big pain in the ***** I feel, Im weird stupid ugly disgusting and nobody wants me not even a therapist.
I cudnt tel my teachers iw as being hurt at home cuz i always felt thy had their own stuf to worry about,
i cudn tell anybody cuz when i told i got in truble
every time i thot things would get better they got worse
whenever i thought smbody would help me, they would get tired of me or think im weird

i always wish my parents wuda killed me wen they had the chance, they had so many chances.
I woke up in my room in the afternoon having a realy bad memory and i felt it all over again, but now i fee i have nobody to turn 2, im too paranoid to post here anymor , im too paranoid to post anywher fully, im to scared to tel my T for fear shel leave me or say im clingy or shel cancel and shes a good T i cant try to trust some1 else.
i cant cal a hotline cuz they dont understand , and thy cant do anything.
this is y im alwys alone, and i feel like im in a big forest of needles, if i move i get poked and hurt and if i dont move i never get beter, if i reach for someone i get scratched and they reach for me they get scratched...
i wish the needles wud just scrunch up and kill me already

Find a more committed therapist. In 9 yrs my T has never cancelled.

[kirbydog156]

Shoez, I'm sending you a big hug. I would let her know (can you email her?) that you need her now, asap. Don't take no for an answer. Just the fact that you are a living, breathing person on this planet makes you worthy. She is supposed to be there for you, no matter how badly you are feeling. And those feelings in no way make you disgusting. They are negative thoughts, they are not you. Can you do something right now to get out of your head, even just for 5 minutes? Can you go outside and feel the breeze on your face?

Before you do something as drastic as changing therapists, considering taking a copy of your post to you T and letting her read it. I know it would be really hard to do that, but it is a very honest communication of your fears about therapy and your relationship with your therapist. Even moreso, it kind of opens up your thoughts that are running around in your head and creating so much anxiety and negativity for you. Your T really needs to hear this since it is so telling of how you are doing right now.

It will also open up a discussion of her recent missed sessions so that the issue of your taking them as your personal responsibility can be dealt with. None of this is your fault. I doubt very highly that your T is cancelling sessions with you as some comment on your worth, but she needs to know how it is affecting you so perhaps some solutions can be found to work around whatever is going on with her.

Be gentle with yourself, and reach out to your T in openness so she has all the information to help you.

[WikidPissah]

(((shoez))) I am glad your parents didn't kill you, because I really like having you around.

It sounds like you are way down right now, and you need support. You need to get t to realize this, and if T doesn't get it, find a new T.

I don't know if you are being cancelled "all the time" or it just feels like that. Can you look at the calander for the past few mos and see exactly how many times T canceled, and how many times YOU canceled? Sometimes it helps to see the picture really clearly.

[Perna]

Next time you see T, point out that the emergencies seem to fall on your day a lot and ask if there's anything you can do (like change days). My T had to shift days a lot and finally said she was going to classes and they looked like they were going to be every week on my day for a lot, could I change days permanently?

What I do to not feel like it is about me is remind myself that I'm probably not the only person she sees that day and that having a single hour off probably wouldn't help much? It's kind of how I use to help myself when I lived in a huge apartment building and was worried about someone breaking in; the chances of their picking my apartment was not very good. I don't think emergencies can be scheduled to be just on your hour

When I wanted to see T but there was time between appointments because of a reschedule or vacation or something, I pretended it was like school and my homework was to do a project showing what I'd learned in that time away from T. Remember, you can't practice on your own without being on your own?

I hope you feel better soon, that you and T get together better and the need to disrupt your therapy seemingly so often, ends.

[elliemay]

I do think that regular sessions are important and certainly the therapist has an obligation to keep those sessions. Things happen, but the therapist, I think should, at the time of cancellation be prepared to make other arrangement.

My therapist certainly had to cancel on me occasionally (very seldom actually) but he always made other arrangements with all of his affected clients.

Please please try to find the courage to tell her how you feel about both of you missing appointments. Farmergirl is right (as usual) she needs to know.

She should be open to how you feel and not defensive.

[shoez]

i cant answer in detail rite now sory
but thank u so much evrydbody ill answer more wen im not feeling so weird

[karebear1]

Awwww shoes........