want to touch T's hair

it is not an apolitical issue. there is a huge cultural significance at play. of course anyone can choose to ignore that but i think that's pretty rude.

this article explains a lot of it. http://www.womanist-musings.com/2008...women-and.html

I had someone touch my hair today. Completely uninvited.

It's about 4 hours later and I still would like to break all of her fingers.

Ouch!

T's hair was curly again and she sat and twirled it in her fingers again... when id look at her and smile real big or even laugh, she would ask why was I smiling/laughing... Hahaha I never told her. We didnt have the most productive session. I couldnt connect at all. Maybe ahe was having an "off" day or something. It was weird and frustrating. I have social awkwardness. we were trying to determine if its more social phobia or more aspergers. She sat at her computer and researched alot and I didnt like it she was also looking for referrals. I wish she would have done that stuff BEFORE my session instead of DURING. Ticked me off and it really takes alot for me to have any kind of anger feelings

I find that bad sessions happen when I want to say something but feel I can't.

Better to blurt than stew. That's me, anyway.

I agree. Might as well tell her how you feel...or at least that her curls make you smile.

My T (male) has long hair that is always neatly pulled back and he always wears a 3-piece suit and tie. But, at some point during the session strands will come loose and he'll pull his hair down to re-tie it. Whenever I see his hair down and looking so out of place with all his formality, I just can't stop smiling (and I have the urge to run my hands through it. One of these days I swear I'll get around to telling him that. )

Asperger's is so much more than social awkwardness and difficulty in social situations. A lot of it has to do with sensory processing issues, special interests, preferences for schedules and rigidity, etc. This isn't an all- inclusive list by any means, so if you're curious I'd greatly encourage you to do your own research. Asperger's presents differently in women than in men, and diagnosis is often based upon stereotypes of what AS looks like (usually in males).

Just some info if you're wondering.

I can relate to being interested in and liking your T's hair, though for me it's mostly her smile. Of course I don't want to touch her smile, but I'm embarrassed at how much I like it. She has a beautiful smile. Actually, her hair is pretty too but I don't want to touch it.

I told her recently that a child part, an 11 year old part, I'd guess, has a crush on her, and it is hard to watch her smile! So she tried not to smile. It was pretty funny! I also once told her that her eyes were as pretty as Niagara Falls. I like Niagara Falls. What my point is, is that I felt better after I told her. Better than sitting there not wanting to look at her because I'm sort of in love with her and her smile. She's okay with my feelings about her because she accepts all of my parts. I don't mean I have DID, just parts of my personality.

So, if you tell your T, it's "grist for the mill" even if she doesn't let you touch her hair.

Before asking to touch your therapist's hair, pay her a compliment first and wait for her to extend the invitation. If she doesn't, then don't ask. Simply asking is not rude, but I know that lots of people--especially black women, myself included--have hair issues. Some people sometimes go too far with the "ooh, your hair!" thing. Even when it's kind, it can be annoying.

I'm Aspergic. Feel free to PM me.

I disagree. You should always feel free to ask. The T relationship is special, and there should be no forbidden subjects.

[quote=looking4polaris;2454954]I agree. Might as well tell her how you feel...or at least that her curls make you smile.quote]

That's a good idea. It would be like me giving her a compliment. She would probably respond positively to this Thanks

I do have the sensory issues, special interests, preference for rules, etc... I've done alot of research (Psychology has been my "interest" for about a year now, and I actually started back to college to get a degree in it lol). I have so many of the female traits of Asperger's. My therapist admittedly told me that she don't really have training or experience with it. She said she had one client that was a male that she was pretty sure was an Aspie, but that's it. She says that I'm nothing like him. I was thinking "no I'm probably not like him." Lol. We both agree that I should see another therapist for my Aspie symptoms, so I'm in the process of that now.

I can definately relate to that "child part" liking her. I don't think I have DID either, but I have mother/daughter positive transference that goes back to my childhood and wanting to bond with my mom and her accept me and affection (non-romantic).

You should always feel free to ask IF you have a T that is like yours. My T is really strict. I have a positive and special relationship with her and am close to her, but I feel like there are some "forbidden subjects." She was exT's supervisor and advised her to terminate me (which she abruptly did with no questions asked). Obviously, I got off to a bad start with current T, but we have never really had any issues, that I know of. But I can't talk about our relationship or my feelings for her or she will refer me to another therapist and the vicious cycle will continue.

That wouldn't work for me- my T explained to me (more than once) that in that room they're NO "forbidden subjects". I can ask whatever I want (it doesn't mean that I'll always get what I ask for), tell whatever I feel (not T's case I presume). In other words be as open as I can. Even with that it is pretty hard for me to share my thoughts with him and be honest about myself, so I cannot imagine how can your relationship work...

Our relationship works, but T just made it pretty clear early on that we couldn't focus on "her" or "our relationship" because I obsessed with exT. She doesn't want that to happen again I guess. In my opinion, both exT and current T have issues related to intimacy that haven't been completely worked through and it carries over into therapy. I feel so deflected by both of them. It's tough, but they "know what's best for me" just like my distant mother always did too.

This is a fascinating thread topic. It is cool how it brings up intimacy, race, yearning, mother issues...I never wanted to touch my T's hair, but she is known for her fabulous hair style. I just asked who cuts your hair? And complimented her, and asked would it be an ethical violation if I went to her stylist. She laughed, thought about it a minute, and then told me her stylist's name. Now my hair is very different from T's hair so while I get a similar cut, it does not look like the same style. However, this haircut has changed my life! I look younger and more hip. People come from miles around to compliment me on my new hair style. It is so cool that I sort of changed my personality a bit; I walk through my workplace aware that people look at me, and I no longer assume I look bad; I know I look great! I have more confidence. The only therapy related issue is that I try to not ask my stylist leading questions about my T's personal life. You know how much talk there is in a salon! But I appreciate the cut so much that I am more conservative concerning my T's privacy. Just info, my 2 cents. Cool thread.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Of course, a person can say and do whatever they want. In a therapist's office or out in the real world. But is a person strong enough to handle the consequences?

I know I can ask my therapist anything and everything. But I'm not strong enough to deal with the emotional fall-out from my stranger requests, however innocent I may think they are. Based on what I've read from a lot of posters here, I'm not the only one who is sensitive in this way. I guess I don't understand why anyone would want to set themselves up for that kind of pain. The therapeutic relationship IS special. Why risk ruining it just to fulfill unnecessary urges?

I'm not saying hair-touching is that taboo, but I don't understand the "I can ask my therapist whatever I want and it's okay!" attitude. That's a new one to me.

Reading about how restricted you feel in your relationship with T, I'm wondering whether the hair thing is actually displacement. Like there are so very many things you mustn't say or do or feel, regarding your relationship with her, that it all spills out in a longing to touch her hair. Just wondered...

I guess I forget how difficult that used to be.

I sincerely don't believe there is anything I can ask T that would risk ruining our relationship. There are things I haven't asked him because I don't necessarily want to know the answer, but nothing I say or do, short of physically attacking him, would ruin our relationship. There might be a temporary rupture, but we'd work through it and be stronger together because of it.

We probably spend 20% of our time talking about our relationship - the things that scare me, that things we appreciate, things that the other has said or did that the other might have misinterpreted, and other stuff like that.

I don't think I'd ever ask to rub his nearly-bald head, though, but mainly because I really don't have any desire to do that.