[franki_j]

OK so I've said this before in another thread, but I thought that my sessions with T were going pretty well. I have been seeing her for around 15 mos. now.
Then, today I walked in and was quiet and didn't know how to begin. This is how our sessions usually start, with me staying silent and staring into a corner, until finally I dredge up the energy/courage to actually say something. I have told her before that I get very anxious and nervous before session, so today when I was silent at the beginning of our session, she asked me why it was so hard for me to talk (she asks this question often). Then she asked me if I still got nervous before session and I told her yes, she asked me why, etc. etc. I felt like perhaps she was trying to get me to talk about our relationship, that maybe this has something to do with the reason I get so nervous before session. I mean, she didn't say that but I felt she was insinuating it.
Then after all these questions, she asked if I would like to try bi-weekly sessions. I was SO surprised when she suggested this, because my T is CBT oriented and focuses on EDs. True, we have kind of moved on from this method awhile ago (we still talk about my eating/weight but not exclusively, maybe only like 5 mins. at most per session), but still, I didn't even think she offered bi-weekly sessions.
I didn't even say anything for like 10 minutes, I was so surprised and confused. I guess I felt like we had a routine going and she threw me for a loop. She told me that she feels like we could explore more things and that there are things we touch on but never get very deeply into or don't mention again. She also said that she thinks it would help our connection, like maybe I won't get so nervous before session if I see her more and am more used to talking to her. I email her probably once a week, and she said that I say a lot in my emails that we never get to talk about, and then I asked her if it was because I email too much (like she is offering me extra sessions to keep me from emailing?) but the answer to that was no. She also said it wasn't because I am too troubled or anything like that, but that it might help me more. She asked me if there were times when I wished that our sessions went longer or that we saw each other more than once a week or if I wished that we could talk about more things.

I didn't know how to answer this. I said that I had thought about it once or twice but never seriously. The reason I didn't know how to answer is that, yes, I would love to see her twice a week. I honestly just enjoy being in her presence, and I think about her all the time. But I am scared that if I jump on the opportunity to go to bi-weekly sessions she will know how much I like her. I like her so much that I don't want to show her how much I do. I would just feel weird asking to see her twice a week, even though she was the one that offered it. I feel weird being overjoyed at going to therapy twice weekly, but I would really like to see her that often.
And then also there is the money issue. She doesn't accept insurance, so I pay out-of-pocket and then my insurance company send me a check. THey cover 80%, but her fee is pretty expensive. Like I don't want to be spending my entire month's paycheck on therapy (oh did I mention I'm still unemployed and looking for work). SO then after I left session I started to get mad at her for offering twice weekly sessions when she knows I am stressed about money. Even if my insurance company continues to reimburse me, I am still paying out of pocket and have to wait a couple weeks before the insurance check comes. There was one time when she made a comment which completely triggered me and I accused her of only caring about money. We talked through it, but she knows I am nervous about money, so I don't know why she would offer bi-weekly sessions when she knows this. She also knows that my insurance pays for a good bit of her fee, because she asked me once how I was paying for therapy; she sounded concerned about it, and she said she hoped my insurance was paying for most of it because she knows I'm worried about financial things. SO she did mention that today, as though if my insurance paid for most/I could afford it, then it shouldn't be a problem financially, but it is. So I am worried that if I start going bi-weekly, I might have to eventually cut to once weekly and that will majorly mess me up more than before. So yeah, I started to get mad and feeling like I Should just quit all together, as though if I don't have the money for twice weekly I should just not go at all. And plus, I thought I was doing fairly well. Besides the nervousness and silence in the beginning, I didn't think I was doing badly.
Basically I feel that I would love to see her more often, but I just feel confused now. And I guess a part of me feels flattered, like if she wants to see me twice weekly then she must not hate me. The cynic/doubter in me of course was telling me that she just wanted more money and was low on clients, I know that sounds really mean, but it did come into my mind. We are also not going to see each other for almost the entire month of July b/c I am going on vacay and then so is she, so she said that when I come back we might have a lot to talk about and we could schedule two sessions for the week I come back. But she said it is completely up to me. I don't know how I feel about this new development. We really didn't even get to talk about anything because I was so surprised and feeling a lot of things and so I stayed quiet for a lot of session. What do you guys think?

[2or3things]

Hi Franki--

First, your T is right...it's completely your choice. There's no right or wrong answer beyond you deciding what's best for you.

I was in a similar position a few months ago. I also pay out of pocket and get some reimbursement, but I really couldn't afford to go to twice/week at the same rate. My T very kindly offered to reduce her fee to something that would be affordable. (Is that something you think you could ask about?) I felt all sorts of conflicting emotions about it, but in the end I saw that once/week really wasn't working as well as it could, so I moved to twice. I'm so grateful to my T, and happy to say that I feel like it's made a huge difference to the speed of my progress. So while I'm paying more each week, I really do think this has the potential to cut big chunks of time off of what would have otherwise been the length of my therapy.

Please try to remember that your T is trying to be helpful and to help you get the best care she can. My own impression is that Ts don't offer more than we need, since their ultimate goal is for us to not need them eventually. Still, if she thinks it can help, and if you can find a way to make it work, I really hope you'll give it a try. You can always go back to once/week if it feels better to you.

Take care!

[franki_j]

Thanks for your reply 2or3 things! The thing is, is that once, after my ED got better, I was scared she would terminate b/c the problem I had been going for had gotten so much better. She reassured me that this would not happen and said that I could see her forever. (fine by me ). And another time after I had moved from one apartment to another,I told her jokingly I was going to stay in that place forever b/c the move was such a pain. It was also around that time that I had been debating moving out of the city, and she said "Well, I guess you're just going to stay here forever," and smiled. And she's said things like that before a couple times. ANd the thing is, is that I would see her for as long as it is possible. So basically my point is, is that I don't see an end to therapy, and it doesn't really seem like she does either. So it's not like seeing her twice a week would really cut a length of time off of my therapy, because for now, it doesn't really seem like we have a specific end in sight. I mean, I would happily see her until she retires, and it seems kind of like she feels the same (and I'm really not reading into this, but just from things she's said). She's never ever mentioned to me being done or wanting me to be done or anything like that, in fact, it's been the opposite.

[2or3things]

Again, you don't have to take her up on it. But if you want to, I see no reason not to. Even if you're planning to see her forever, wouldn't you rather feel better as soon as possible?

And I know for myself, seeing my T a second time each week has really helped me feel more connected. I think I've said more in a few months than I had in the entire three years prior with her. I was always so anxious that I just couldn't get anywhere. But now that I see her twice/week, I finally am.

It seems like you're really focused on your T's feelings about you and about the relationship between you. That's good stuff to look at with her. I guess I'm wondering if you're seeing her offer as a sign of something else--her feelings toward you, perhaps--and if that's what's making her offer provoke strong feelings in what could otherwise be seen as a gesture that's focused on your improvement by someone who wants to see you be the best you you can be.

If you have some concerns about where your therapy is going, that is a really good thing to talk to your T about. My T has always told me his goal is that I be able to walk away from therapy one day and he keeps a pretty specific focus toward that goal which helps me because I generally feel like I know where we are going. I don't know how long it will take to get there, but infinity is not the goal.

As far as the twice a week sessions go, you really just have to decide if you can even afford it. That would have to be first on my list whether I like it that way or not. Then, you have to decide how your therapy my benefit from more time each week. I suspect your T is trying to help you get past the silences that are taking up time at the beginning of each weekly session and she seems to be recognizing you have much more on your mind than you are able to get to in one session a week. Remember, these probably wouldn't need to go on forever; just until things are feeling more settled down topic-wise.

[franki_j]

It seems like you're really focused on your T's feelings about you and about the relationship between you.

Yes exactly! I think that part of me is like "What does it mean that she offered me two sessions a week? Does that mean she likes me?" or something along those lines. And I know that ideally I would like to talk about our relationship and my feelings towards her, but that would be SO hard for me b/c I like her so much and look up to her.
And I do think that weekly sessions would be beneficial for me in terms of me talking more. Farmergirl is right, that I need to look at it from a practical, financial perspective first, but I hate doing that because I know that then I shouldn't do bi-weekly sessions. I guess I feel frustrated because it's like, "Why would she offer me something that I want so badly but can't have?" Like it's better for me not knowing that she offers bi-weekly sessions, rather than knowing that it is available but not being able to go.

[critterlady]

I remember being relieved and a little freaked out when my T first offered me twice weekly sessions. I was happy because I felt I needed them, but freaked out because I thought that might mean that I was more messed up than either of us had originally thought. I ended up taking him up on the offer and twice/week really helps me a lot.

There's no right or wrong answer, Franki. If you can afford it and think it would help, by all means take her up on it. If the cost will add stress to you, it might be counterproductive. But I really do think her motive for making the offer is out of genuine concern. And talking to her about your relationship would be a really good thing. It can be hard, but it's an important part of therapy.

Hang in there. It can be a difficult process.