Even now after all these yrs in therapy I still struggle with denial. Yet all the evidence is plain to see of my step mothers abuse/neglect.
I was just sitting getting a warm glow thinking back to yesterday's session and compared my experience of T with that of my step mother
I mean could I visualise myself sitting in another parallel therapy saying the type of things I have told about my step mother but saying them about my T. That certainly shows up the healthy v the abusive. But I still go back to that place of denial.

[Perna]

It may not be total denial; people are complex and not all one thing or all the other. My T was helpful getting me to understand that I loved my stepmother but did not like her at all. I would never in a million years have chosen her as a friend At the time, my T told me that I would start to do better after my stepmother died (she was in her 80's and senile, was going to die in the next few years) and that turned out to be true. At first I went around singing "Ding Dong the witch is dead!" but over time, I'm ashamed and embarrassed that I did that, the relationship was much more complex than I understood and I understand now that I owe a great deal of good stuff about who I became to it and having her in my life.

Oh I often admit its the part of her I loved that I struggle with. I'm aware the relationship with anyone is complex. That's what makes it even harder. If I just hated her it would simple, hence the denial.

[Perna]

My stepmother was very controlling, sometimes unreasonably and intensely angry, and very pushy I had to admit in therapy I often felt "safe" when she was around rather than when I was just by myself. I knew she loved me and if someone tried to hurt me, she's squash them flat There are things we like and enjoy that don't make sense to one's reasoning. Sometimes I just accept stuff instead of working so hard on denial; it makes it easier to see and untangle (think of a necklace chain and how they get tangled/you'd untangle it; by relaxing, not pulling against?)

Anyone hurt me she'd just do what she always did..... Turn her face away

[Perna]

But that's not what you're denying, why you feel bad about yourself is it? You know your stepmother will turn away and that hurts! I still remember when my stepmother backed me into a corner and was beating on me and I thought, "gee, if your mother doesn't love you, who does?"

The trick is not to think in terms of, you're so bad even your mother beats on you and doesn't love you, but to quit making what someone else does about you and just hurt when you hurt, which is about you. If you put yourself between the hammer and the board, you get crucified.

I wanted my mother to show she loved me in a way I enjoyed/understood and she did not. I have to hurt and grieve that and then I can move on. But if I start talking about how unlovable I am and no one will ever love me, etc. I bring that past event into the present, where it does not belong, and tinge my future thoughts too, and can't see that this person in front of me right now might be able to show their love for me in a way I enjoy and understand.

Ask yourself what you want. If the answer is, "for my mother to love me" then one needs work on owning what is yours (the pain of not being loved in the past by one's mother) and letting go of what is one's mother's (to love and show love to one's child in a way they "get" so they can grow to be warm, loving, human beings and model/pass the behavior on to their own children). If the answer is, "to experience love" then you go out and love/find someone who loves you back.

I think we got our line of communication crossed. I don't feel unloveable. I have a wonderful adult life. Hubby 3 grown beautiful kids. I'm divorced from my mother so not expecting anything from her. It's the whole ugliness of the past that is sometimes so hard to keep hold off. When those times hit me and they do

[Perna]

But why hold on to the ugliness? Think how old you are and how much loving you have now given and received. The seesaw has fallen over the other direction, the ugliness has diluted enough the water is safe. Only 1 part per billion

Perna, is there something in this thread that you are identifying with? I appriciating your replying thinking about this. But it feels as if you are pushing something here. Which makes me wonder if this is more about unresolved issues for yourself? I maybe wrong. But that's what I'm feeling.

[Perna]

Sorry you are experiencing my replies as pushy; I was wishing to understand what you had to say and were experiencing. I guess I still don't know what you mean about denial.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by earthmamma

I think we got our line of communication crossed. I don't feel unloveable. I have a wonderful adult life. Hubby 3 grown beautiful kids. I'm divorced from my mother so not expecting anything from her. It's the whole ugliness of the past that is sometimes so hard to keep hold off. When those times hit me and they do

I guess im a little confused too. What are you denying? The good or the bad or both?

[ListenMoreTalkLess]

What I identify with in what you're saying is a couple of things. One is that I get that it can be difficult when your abuser had positive traits, or ways in which they acted positively towards you, important things they taught you, etc. If the abuser was only present in your life for the abuser, it would be easier to just write them off/hate them/whatever. My abuser in many ways had a very positive relationship with me, he taught me many important lessons, supported me in important ways academically, musically, sports-wise, interests-wise, respected my brains and other semi-talents. He was abusive for only a few years of my childhood. I also sometimes engage in denial, or some other form of "forgetting."

The other thing your post makes me think about is that denial is such a GOOD defense mechanism, especially in the short run. I have no doubt that denial helped me to survive the CSA and to develop into a reasonably healthy adult. Sometimes my periods of denial give me a breather in having the remnants of the CSA all around me. My T says that she sees people who have mostly been in denial-- that those who aren't just don't come to therapy. It seems to me that denial is just the brain's way of coping, as an available place to have a respite and just be, without the trauma dogging you.

Yes forgetting explains it better. When it's someone you were supposed to be safe with it makes it hard to fit that into your mind. Plus if it's the only life you knew. But when I put that experience against my positive and safe exPereince with T, it's in those moments that the remembering is almost breath taking.

Sorry perna I hope didn't come across as rude. It just felt like I was a puppy and you were trying to teach me and not allow me room to be.