[sarahplainandshort]

I guess the title pretty much says it all. I've been through a lot of changes lately, and while they are mostly good changes, now I'm not sure what to do, where to go, who to be. Anyone feel this way, or if you have in the past, how did you get through it?

Some background: I've been in T this time about a year and a half, for complex PTSD. Long history of childhood abuse and neglect, etc etc. A few months ago, I cut off all contact with my family of origin: a very good thing. I have decided to go back to school for another degree, just for fun this time. I'm excited about that. I've started running and am training for a race coming up (yay). I'm changing my name legally next week to get rid of a hated family name (double yay).

I've also had an increase in intrusive memories, nightmares, and panic attacks, and I'm feeling, really feeling emotions for the first time.

I'm kind of overwhelmed by change, I guess. The other day, my husband said, "I'm afraid of being left behind," which I interpreted to mean he has noticed that I am changing and he has mixed feelings about it. So now I don't want to make him feel threatened--pretty codependent, I know.

I told my T I felt lost, then I said,

"When you're lost, you need a compass, right?"

He said, "Yes, if you want to be found."

I said, "Well, I know no one is going to find me. I have to figure this out myself."

Problem is, I don't believe in anything in the universe that is as true and absolute as a compass, metaphorically speaking. So how do I get unlost??? Sorry this is so long and rambly. If anyone has any insight, I would certainly love to hear it.

sorry we have no wise insight but wanted to let you know you are heard♥♥♥

[BashfulBear]

Hi Sarah!

Much like, Trinity, I'm afraid I don't have much useful input to offer. I just know that I'm completely lost too..

Well done for taking some pretty huge steps towards getting your life back! Heck, I'd say that going to university is having a direction in life - if only for a handful of years to start with - but what do I know, hey?

I understand. Im sorry its so hard.

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by sarahplainandshort

I told my T I felt lost, then I said,

"When you're lost, you need a compass, right?"

He said, "Yes, if you want to be found."

I said, "Well, I know no one is going to find me. I have to figure this out myself."

Problem is, I don't believe in anything in the universe that is as true and absolute as a compass, metaphorically speaking. So how do I get unlost??? Sorry this is so long and rambly. If anyone has any insight, I would certainly love to hear it.

A compass doesn't help others find you, it only helps you find your way out. So if I had a compass, it could tell me different directions to go in, but I would first need to decide which direction I wanted to head in, North, South etc. and it is only I that could decide that and maybe I don't even know what lies in the North, I just want to head that way to explore it and see if that is where I want to be - I might get there and change my mind.

I think the compass is a great metaphor - so do you first need to know where you want to get to? Even if it is just a first stopping point.

Soup

[sarahplainandshort]

Thanks for the support, everyone. Just writing it all out helped more than I expected. I kind of think my T deliberately misinterpreted my compass comment--he's smart enought to know that a compass doesn't help people find you lol. The themes of dependent vs. independent and desire to be rescued vs. refusal to ask for help have been big topics in our work, so I think he was trying to prompt discussion around those ideas. And he knows I can't pass up an opportunity to correct him

But I think what I really need, more than a compass, is a cell phone with GPS. Cuz I don't even know where I am.

I was thinking, too, about how I tell my kids if they are ever lost somewhere, to just stop and stay in one place, because wandering around and going in circles will probably make it worse. I wonder if I need to stop going full steam ahead for a while, stop making big changes in my life for a while, and just be still. And listen, because maybe there's something or someone inside of me I need to hear.

Once I started making decisions for myself, "exercising my agency" as T says, it was like crack. It's hard to stop, because it feels so good. But making changes for a the sake of making changes is probably not a good idea. I'll go back to school, and run my 5K, and change my name, but maybe I need to keep the status quo everywhere else for now.