to T or not to T

Lots of stuff going on in Wiki world. I am nearing the end of my med tapers, and I am doing well. Sometimes I feel like crap for a few days after the dosage cuts, but mostly I feel good…alive, awake, alert. I have had people IRL make comments about how much sharper I am, without them knowing why. My daughter expressed it clearly when she said “mom, the thought you going off medications is scary, but I love having the real you back”.

I saw T once in June, and the break I have taken has helped me out a lot. I don’t feel anywhere nearly as triggered as I was. I have a little peace in my life. I am not thinking about therapy or T much at all.

It isn’t all roses and cotton candy though. The anxiety is a bit extreme, and I am struggling with how to deal with it. But dealing I am and it’s been a while since I could do that. However, I find myself leaving the house less and less frequently and trying to make phone calls has become next-to-impossible.

A few months back T put me on a waiting list for a residential (trauma) program, and that came up last week. I have an intake appointment this week, and I should be going residential next. I am in a total freak about the entire thing. It is only for a couple of weeks, but the thought of leaving my family, my home and my dogs is really difficult. I wonder too if going anywhere near trauma stuff will put me back in the state I was in a few months back.

I expect T to call on Mon. to set something up, and I do need to talk to him about this residential stuff. I also need to talk to him about the anxiety. And then there is the relationship. I have managed to detach relatively well, and I really don’t look forward to seeing him at all. I feel like there is this huge cavern between us now, and I doubt that is going to just go away. Is it avoidance or self-preservation? Who knows?

Nerves and nuances, all part of getting better I guess. Any thoughts?

hey wiki i think you may need to talk about this with your T all of it.i lived in residential programs for years and some of it was good but sometimes it wasn't .i think i learned a lot of bad ways also from others living there. i would ask what would happen if after two weeks of bringing up all this trauma what is going to happen.especially if it still hasn't all been dealt with.

What I try to remember is that whatever I decide, I *will* be able to come back to a place of peace.

I think for me, when I'm feeling more peaceful, less triggered, etc. I really want to do ANYTHING to avoid losing that feeling. It totally makes sense to me that anxiety might be creeping in for you...not wanting to leave the house, pick up the phone, etc...because what if it pulls you out of the place you're in??

And I do really get the ambivalence about seeing T - knowing that it might be helpful in some ways and make things harder in others.

This feeling of contentment you've found is REAL. AND feelings always change. So you will feel better than you do now and you will feel worse than you do now, but as you are getting better, you will find it easier to come back to the peaceful place.

I have a friend who is SO healthy in terms of how she thinks, how she views the world, etc - she's my idol. And she gets thrown off course, just like me, just like all of us. I watch her and see what she does when it happens, and she's very wise...she's an artist, so art helps. She talks to friends if she needs to. She takes time for herself if that's what she wants...but somehow she manages to return this deep sense of okay-ness. I think we can all learn to do that - I think you *are* learning to do that.

If delving into trauma doesn't feel like what you want to do right now, you don't have to. You can say "no thanks" and get back on the waiting list.

For me, not seeing T has given me some serious breathing space in terms of trauma stuff. I spent way too many years repressing it and not talking about it, and I *had* to finally tell my story and work through stuff. AND being able to step away from it and be in my life right now without trauma constantly tapping me on the shoulder has been really nice. I know I may need to revisit it at some point, but for ME, that point isn't right now.

Those are my pre-coffee thoughts.

sounds like a lot to process. i can't say whether it's what you should do or not, but i would jump at a good residential treatment. but that's because in my mind the idea of doing a short but intense "fix up" appeals to me. it might not be worth it for you. but at least your T will hopefully guide you in the right direction. maybe you can also discuss why you are so reluctant to see him again?

I guess I should say that the residential program it's not an intensive trauma treatment, more likes an intense "survivor" treatment. It is about coping skills and refocusing on living...not so much trauma work. It is also for female PTSD clients only.

Thanks Granite . This is a huge point that I hadn't even considered yet. Will I need to go back to more regular T? hmmm. Need to bring this up with T b4 I decide to go.
Nightsky...YES...see this is why I post this stuff. You PC peeps are brilliant. This is another thing that hadn't occurred to me but makes total sense now.
Thanks kiki. It isn't really a quick fix, but more of an entry back into life. I could probably write a list of 50 reasons I don't want to go to T. I honestly can't pinpoint exactly what it is. The first week on break was difficult, I wanted to call him frequently, but I white knuckled it. Then I saw him in early June and it was really bad, I couldn't talk about anything. I think my reluctance now is a huge fear that I will not be able to communicate with him at all.

*self serving bump*

Wiki, did you hear from your T today?

That's nice!

Yup. He is only working today (Tues) this week due to the holiday, but he squeezed me in for this evening. It's after hours, so I know he is doing me a favor, which feels a bit weird. I just hope that I can communicate...that isn't always the case. Another useless meeting with him would really be hard on me this week. Thanks for asking Ready!
Thanks CE!

I can understand the jump in the water all or nothing therapy but you have really been doing that all along to some extent. People who have been traumatized use the same skill set that they used to survive (and I use that term loosely) the trauma on a daily basis when anything reminds them of a part of the trauma. It's an unfortunate thing to have to live with it but it's true. I suffer from PTSD and have dealt with it since early childhood. I have tried seeing many therapist to work through it but most don't know what to do. I tell them about the trauma as if it happened to someone else just to get the story out and then have all the emotion bottled to be given the suggestion to have the therapy with the lights, I forget what you call it. I say if you feel this will work then go for it. You have the support of your T (whoever that is) the community here, and your family (your daughter). You also need to be self aware. Know when you backsliding and just recognize it to start with. Don't try to pin it to a particular moment. Just recognize something is going on to trigger you and try to pinpoint what. If you can figure that out then you will come upon the answer to what part of the trauma still needs to be worked on. I wish you the best. Please keep me posted. I have been looking for years for a resolution but just continue to endure.

I hope it goes well with the therapist tonight.

Know when you are backsliding and just recognize it to start with....this is such simple but brilliant advice.

Often, when a real wave of anxiety...stuff...washes over me, I don't even realize it until I am face down on the sand.

Recognizing it early....helps so much...

Dammit. he was late. He cut my time short. He did not offer me another appointment.

He told me he thought I should go to the res. program. He told me I was doing well. He made me promise to call my oncologist. (I have been blowing them off since April, and I got a letter today telling me if I don't call I have to sign a form releasing them.) He didn't get why I haven't called. He didn't get why I have distanced myself from him. He didn't get that I still need him.

i'm sorry you had such a bad session. but maybe the res program is coming at a good time then, if he isn't there for you?

Wiki, I know you were concerned that you wouldn't be able to find the words. Did you tell him any of the things he didn't get or were you not able to say any of it? It is so hard to ask for help...even when we need it ... You can ask for another appointment... even if he did not offer you one.

When I took a break, I had to come out and say... I need to come back...

Thanks Rosa. I am not certain I like the term backsliding in this context. I always thought of it to be an addiction term. But I do see what you are saying, and I value that very much.
Thanks.
Yes. Currently it is like a constant panic, pure anxiety, but I am hoping my body will adjust to it.
Yea, it probably is at a good time...you're right..
No, I didn't tell him much. After thinking about it all night, I believe there was some counter transference going on. It was going ok until I told him about PDOC appointment. I told him PDOC was "aces" last month. That he was purely supportive and recommended a good book and everything. It was shortly after that that he said something like "I know you don't place a lot of value in the work we've done". I froze and wasn't able to correct him even though everything inside of me was screaming No No No. I do place value in therapy. It's just that when I decided to go off of meds he t-blocked me. He wouldn't trust me.

Damn, indeed. I was really hoping for your sake that you'd have a good session. I'm so sorry tohear it didn't go so well.

Can you write to him? Maybe you've already tried doing that? What I'm thinking is something on the lines of getting another appointment, maybe in a week or two, and send him some of your thoughts in writing in advance. Would that be possible? It's easier for you to write than to talk, I think, at least in this particular situation... and that way you'd get the information to him without having to look at him while he received it. Your T cares about you, you know, and I think you should try to tell him this:

Just my opinion, of course, which may be completely off the mark (or the wall). I don't want you to be hurting like this.

It sounds to me like you have a lot of stuff to say to him...enough for another session . I like the suggestion of sending an email in advance and then having a session to talk about it. Did you tell him when you decided to take a break that you did it because you were afraid of him getting too close...too important (hope I didn't misquote...going by memory). I know he cares about you because he made you promise to call the oncologist. But like any relationship if you want him to know how you feel about him and the theraputic relationship or the work that you do, you are going to have to find a way to let him know. My T always says "I only know what you tell me"... (ok part of me thinks he knows way more than that but that's me thinking he has psychicpowers)

Apt....you are so right. Thank you. I just sent him the following email:

Dear T,
A couple of things really bothered me last night but, as usual, I froze up and couldn’t say it.
1 – You made a comment about me not placing a lot value in the therapy we’ve done. Not true, it is highly valued.
2- My reasons for pulling away are not because I no longer need therapy. It has been predominately due to financial reasons (Daughter’s excessive medical bills during the month of June). There is a secondary reason, I kind of felt like you were the enemy when I was trying to go off medications. The latter reason is really painful. I have spent many days this past month with my cell in my hand, wanting so badly to ask for help. It seems like there is this huge cavern between us now, and I still really need you. Do you think it can be repaired?

What do you think?

Ready...you are correct. I had emailed him that the attachment felt too strong, but I also told him that we suddenly had these huge expenses because of my daughters illness.

It was a jumble, pretty much in this order: I am pissed off at him for getting too close. He isn't being supportive about the meds. I want to take a break until I get off meds. I don't want to take a break, I still need him. Oh crap, medical expenses, so now I have to take a break whether I want to or not.

I don't know why he kept saying that I slowed up therapy because I was better. We had a lengthy conversation about my daughter's medical expenses (early last month) where he told me he would wave my co-pays. I couldn't accept and we talked about me not being able to accept it.

He also screwed up daughter and H's names. It's like he forgot all about me in 3 weeks. Then he pointed out that he had filled my time slot...which obviously I understand...but it felt like a jab.

i think that's a good email. very honest. i'm sure he will be pleased that you are opening up to him about the problem. though i would question a T who tells you what your feelings are instead of asking. ie telling you you don't place value on therapy rather than asking if you value your therapy.

Wiki, I wrote this big long reply and it disappeared. I'm taking it as though it was meant to be and you don't need to hear all of that. I think your email was great... I do understand how you are feeling... I went through something similar when I stopped therapy with my T and then decided after 6 weeks that I wanted to come back. I felt like there was a huge cavern as well and we worked together to close that up. So it definitely is possible.

For me it took alot of me saying things I never thought would come out of my mouth... things about attachment... trust...feeling too close... being afraid of that...things that felt shameful... but with lots of hard work on my part...I was able to feel like we are in a better place than when we started... to be honest... my T probably wasn't ever any different... but I was projecting my fears on him and it was me who needed to work hard to get back to the place where I could open up again with him.... and now I trust him more.

(((( Wikid ))))

If you do plan to go into the residential program, I would be fearful of NOT having T to turn to afterwards to help with ongoing support, because a lot may get stirred up in that process that you would need further help with managing.

I like the email...and I hope it starts an honest dialogue. Maybe you can talk about the struggle of verbalizing things....and suggest possibly writing notes to each other in session to help when you can't verbalize.

And I still hang onto the "20 seconds of courage" from We Bought A Zoo.....SUCH value in that. Just 20 seconds of insane courage can help....

((( HUGS )))

Thanks Kike and Ready.

That email is a huge risk for me. I have never said "I need you" or told him that I want to reach out to him all the time. It feels kind of scary and makes me feel very vulnerable. But what have I got to loose, right? I already don't really have him now, so if he tells me I am too needy I haven't really lost anything.

One good thing that came from last night is that he made me ASK for his opinion. I said I wasn't sure about residential, and he came back with "Ask me a question Wiki." I said "I don't know what to ask". He said, "yes you do, ask it". Finally I said "what is your opinion?" ... "I think it's a good opportunity and I think you should go".

(((MUE))) you are a huge support. I need to remember the 20 second rule, it's a good one.