to T or not to T

I love that your T helped you be direct and that you followed through with asking him the question. And I love that you're taking that risk to be vulnerable with T by sharing your needs. I know it's SO hard to allow yourself to do that.

I think you did good. And by being vulnerable you allow yourself the chance to grow stronger. (Wow, that looks like a total cliché, but I think it might be true.)

I think it is good you sent the email. I hope he responds with appropriate reassurance to you.

thanks MUE, Apt, Stop.

omg. I wrote that I needed him. ****. And he's on vaca, so I won't hear back until Monday. I feel one of those sit-com moments coming on, where they break into the recipients house to delete an answering machine message or divert a letter.

LOL...that is the problem with email and smart phones.. no time to take things back or for sit com moments... besides your email was a good thing even if it feels risky.... but I'm sure its a risk worth taking.

hi wiki. i just wanted to mention that when i went off my anti-depressant i had horrible anxiety and aggravation. it was definitely a result of the med withdrawal as i don't tend to get aggravated like that at all and i was a bit of a crazy woman for awhile. it might be something to talk to your pdoc about and see if he can recommend anything. i did do some detox teas, the $20 ones, and they did seem to help some. i still have more anxiety than i ever did and wonder if it's from the dang withdrawal.

you sound like you have a lot going on but are really handling this well.

thanx blah & ready.
Sit com moment over, he wrote back. On a freakin holiday, during his vaca, while he is sick. That means so much to me.
Note: I did not realize he was still sick last night. He has Lyme's Disease, but I thought that he was better. That explains his brevity.

Will respond more later, tired, still sick w whatever I have. There is really no gulf, perhaps I do not feel I have helped you enough and you sense this. I often say things which can be misunderstood, and you are extremely sharp and perceptive (and probably a lot smarter than me). I have assumed you wanted space from me and feel too dependent, testing yourself perhaps. I was apprehensive about the meds but I thought I supported your decision, although with clinical reservations.
I think you are doing the absolute best thing for yourself right now and you have a hell of a lot of courage.
I am off the next two days to rest blah blah, but please write if you feel the urge, and good luck on Friday. You are seriously kicking some ***!

Wiki, I'm so glad he got back to you. Its funny my T usually sounds so formal in emails but once he was sick when he responded and it reminds me of your Ts response... alot of just saying what they think without alot of "therapese" in it.

If there are things in this email that he didn't address, then I would write back. He seemed very open to it. I don't know if there was more to the email, but I would need to hear him say it was okay to come back... so I think I would write back and say...I'm concerned about after I leave the residential program... I would like to know if I can have an appt (and pick how many days after you get out) on such and such day? Tell him it will help to know you have him there when you come home. (oh course I'm projecting my feelings here...you would need to insert your own )

It sounds like he thinks great things of you....

Yea Ready. The things I really needed to hear were, "it's okay to call me when you need me" and "we can repair the relationship."

He always writes casually. When I first emailed him he told me that he was fine with email as long as I wasn't going to grammar check his responses. lol. I can tell he is sick though, because he usually covers my email completely.

I think he implies those things when he says there is no gulf... and that he says things in ways that can be misinterpretted...

I would be completely honest and ask for what you want to hear... I would send what you posted... I would say ... "I need to hear whether its okay to call you when I need you?" "I need to hear whether I can make an appointment to come in again?" I need to hear whether you think we can get "back on track" if I do those things?" I would tell him that sometimes I read way more into what you don't say than I do into what you do say... (distorted thinking..) those are things I would say if this was what was going on between me and my T. It seems yucky to say those things but actually I found it very liberating when I said similar things to my T...

wow I love his email.

I agree with this completely. The bolded part is what I grapple with constantly. I don't know why I have such a hard time asking for what I need. I think there must be a part of me that feels that "if you loved me, you would know what I need. I shouldn't have to ask for it."

My T tells me a lot that I need to ask for what I need, often very specifically. And I've found he's very responsive when I do. If he cannot give me that specific thing, he'll explain why.

It would be great if there was some way we could control people so they would say exactly the words we want to hear.

I think it was a good email and that he cares about you.

You're right, I can hear him saying "ask me a question Wiki." I hesitate to email again. I know he said it was fine, but I seldom call or email outside of sessions, and sending just one feels like too much. Especially since he is off and resting, it seems too needy. I will send something next week from residential. (I'll have my laptop and internet access there)
You're a woman of few words, but they always mean a lot.
I think that I just don't always think in terms of "what do I need from him". I write to him, and my thinking is that I need to tell him what I am thinking. I wanted to let him know, I didn't realize that I actually needed something. I will definitely try to be very clear when I email him next week.

Bottom line is that I do feel the care coming from that, and it is enough to send me off to residential. The part about me being "a lot smarter than [him]" throws me a bit. How the heck does a BSci trump a MSW? I am not going to dwell on it, but it does feel patronizing. (damn wiki, he's sick, give him a break already )

A degree doesn't equal smartness! I don't see it as patronising, I see it as being honest.

I'm glad you can feel the care coming from your T...

But there is no time like the present...I'm only saying that because I have just one concern...not sure that it is valid though... do you think that your T would respond to you while you are in residential?... do you feel that he might think that you under someone else's "treatment" and not want to conflict or interupt (not correct word but can't think of it)? I would just send the email now and tell him you want to hear back as soon as possible... These (asking for what we need) are signs of progress not of being "needy"...(okay I'm trying to convince myself when I'm telling you) (reread his email...he mentions writing in the next two days...or maybe I'm just being too literal)

apt...yes, I guess your right. Plus I've got mad math skills.

Ready... ha. You're right, but no way I can reach out twice in one week. Just the one is extreme for me.

Oh Wiki...you could email twice in one week... If it helps you to know...you are not as needy as me...I just emailed my T 15 minutes after we just have a session...now that is needy!

Do you go to the residential program tomorrow? I hope the program is helpful.