[peaches100]

I've been in t for several years now, and I've managed not to be jealous of my t's other clients, mostly by acknowledging the fact that they deserve help as much as I do. . and I'm glad my t can help. But something has happened recently that has made me feel insecure and jealous.

One the things I've done in t is write poems. Some of them have been about my feelings, past, the journey. And some about the t relationship. I also made her a couple of cards, one of which she posted on her bulletin board.

Well. . .about a month ago, I noticed something new hanging on her bulletin board. It's a large sheet of paper titled "To My Beloved." It looks like a poem. I'm guessing it's from a client. I didn't want to ask her about it because it's really none of my business. I also haven't tried to read it, I guess because if it is from a client, as I suspect, it will make me feel bad. Poems were always a special thing i wrote for t. Now it doesn't seem special at all anymore. I wonder if her other client is more important to her.

This past week, my t was getting ready to leave town, and when i came for my session, i could see she looked upset. She told me, "With me going out of town, i want to make sure all my clients will be OK, but I'm not sure they will be." So i knew her mind was on somebody else.

She has also been pushing me harder lately to let go of my past pain and move on. I know it's probably just that she wants to see me get better and be happy. But i can't help feeling that her attention is on other people now, and she just wants to get me out of her hair.

I don't want to feel bad, but I do. On some leve, I know this is really childish. But it's how i feel.

[bamapsych]

Its okay to feel jealous. I sure do too. My T always seems more warm and open to other clients than me. I think she does that to have a more professional relationship with me instead of friendly/personal one that would cause me more attachment and boundary issues.

[Dreamy01]

I'm sorry you're feeling like this. I would be the same. My first T used to have a noticeboard and sometimes I'd spot new cards or postcards which were almost certainly from clients. It was hard to deal with.

It's almost a shame that your T said she's worried about her clients. While I understand her wanting to give an honest answer, that statement is very upsetting for you. You go to have that time with her. It would have been better if she could have reassured you her attention was on you.

I wonder if you can explain your worries? I know it would be difficult as I'd struggle to do it too but sometimes nothing is worse than worrying T doesn't like you as much as other clients. It's a natural feeling to have and I think Ts are used to dealing with it. It sounds like what you need is reassurance.

[BonnieJean]

I have them too. Those feelings are there to be explored. If you can tell your t about them. Sometimes I have.

[critterlady]

I've rarely seen other women clients in my T's waiting room or coming out of his office. I was never even remotely jealous of his other clients until this week. Monday, he had a young (and, as it turns out, very attractive) woman client just before me. They ran late and there was a lot of laughing. My session got cut short to make up the time and there was no laughing this time. I left feeling very jealous.

Then when I went yesterday, he had another woman client in with him and they were also laughing. I'm working on some deeply painful stuff and there hasn't been much to laugh about. I envied her, too.

[autotelica]

Critterlady, I was going to say that I've never been jealous either. But I do feel weirdish when my therapist comes out into the waiting room with a client and they are talking and laughing like best buddies. Especially when the person is around my age. It makes me think their sessions are fun, while mine are often more subdued and boring...something to be dreaded.

But then I think about the fact that we're all different. My story is different from other patient's stories. Maybe my therapist can relate better to other patient's personalities, but she feels more tenderness for me. Maybe at this particularly point in time, I'm not one of her "special" cases. But maybe I have been in the past and will be again.

[critterlady]

Originally Posted by autotelica

But then I think about the fact that we're all different. My story is different from other patient's stories. Maybe my therapist can relate better to other patient's personalities, but she feels more tenderness for me. Maybe at this particularly point in time, I'm not one of her "special" cases. But maybe I have been in the past and will be again.

Maybe the tenderness she feels makes you special to her.

I've been thinking about this a lot this week. I'm not sure why it matters that I be special to T, but it does. When I think about the sessions we've had that were light with a lot of laughter and compare them to the harder, deeper sessions, it's been the latter that have made me feel closer to him. So maybe he feels that, too - the more difficult the stuff, the more tender he gets with me and the more special I feel.

Reframe this to be less about you and more about her. Isn't she getting close to retirement (or am I thinking of someone else's T; sorry if I'm confused. It seems like something just recently happened or is about to happen in the vein?) Of course she is concerned about her clients -- ALL of them. I would assume when good, caring T's leave for an period of time due to a vacation and especially before retirement, they try to be sure before they leave that ALL of their clients can be taken care of in their absence. Yes, there may be a particular other client who is in a particularly fragile place right now that is on her mind, but she has a big mind; she can think of more than one client at a time. If she's been pushing you harder lately, it is because she cares about YOU being ready when the time comes to part, NOT about her trying to get rid of you.

There are many poets and many poems in this world and if people like poetry, most often they have several on their list of favorites, not just one. Your T is a gifted individual, from what I can tell, quite more than capable of caring for more than one of you at a time. It isn't black or white here.

[SallyBrown]

One the things I've done in t is write poems. Some of them have been about my feelings, past, the journey. And some about the t relationship. I also made her a couple of cards, one of which she posted on her bulletin board.

Well. . .about a month ago, I noticed something new hanging on her bulletin board. It's a large sheet of paper titled "To My Beloved." It looks like a poem. I'm guessing it's from a client. I didn't want to ask her about it because it's really none of my business. I also haven't tried to read it, I guess because if it is from a client, as I suspect, it will make me feel bad. Poems were always a special thing i wrote for t. Now it doesn't seem special at all anymore. I wonder if her other client is more important to her.

I can see how this would make you jealous, Peaches, and it would probably have a similar effect on me. I do believe it's one thing for a therapist to hang things like cards (with only the outside facing) and trinkets and whatever else from patients around... but it's another thing to put something as explicit as a poem up there. A poem puts right out there what someone is feeling, not a symbolic gesture of caring that isn't necessarily going to resonate with another patient. It would make me feel a little weird to see my therapist putting up poems from patients (I also write poems for him, they help us through the process a lot because he does really well with methapors). It would be like, why isn't it my poem? Is this poem better? Or it would be even worse if I wasn't a writer, and couldn't even write a poem to save my life. I'd wonder if I wasn't good enough to move her.

I might not be explaining it well, but I do see a difference. My T has no bulletin board, but he has stuff around his office and I sometimes wonder if any of it is from other patients. The small clock he uses is actually from me; I bought it a few years ago when his previous clock broke and he was using some kind of ghetto system with his iPhone... it was not a good scene. So I got him a small black nondescript cheap clock similar to the one he used to have, and he's kept it ever since. But no other client would know it was from me, and I wouldn't really want them to. It was for him to look at and sometimes remember I gave it to him, not for anyone else. Similarly, he has a painting in his office, and I wonder if another patient made it for him. I have no idea, and I don't really think about it very much because it's not a meaningful image to me. Especially since it doesn't say "MY BELOVED" on it.

Once, I wanted to look at some of the older writing that I'd given to T that I no longer had my own copy of. I said it thinking he could retrieve it for the next week, but instead, he got up and went to his desk, pulled out the drawer right beside his chair, and took out a little pile of stuff that was all from me. I felt like a superstar, that he knew where all of it was, and that it was all in the same accessible place. Wouldn't have known otherwise. What I'm saying is, one way to think about it is, perhaps your T values the intimacy of your writing, and keeps it private because its sentiment is not the kind to be broadcast to anyone and everyone.

This past week, my t was getting ready to leave town, and when i came for my session, i could see she looked upset. She told me, "With me going out of town, i want to make sure all my clients will be OK, but I'm not sure they will be." So i knew her mind was on somebody else.

This is one of those things where the T obviously has good intentions, and is being honest and genuine, but it still kind of hurts. I'm sure there are times when the person coming after you walked in and she was still processing what she'd just talked about with you. It doesn't say anything about you or whether she wants to be thinking about you. If this happens a lot, though, she might consider spacing clients farther apart.

She has also been pushing me harder lately to let go of my past pain and move on. I know it's probably just that she wants to see me get better and be happy. But i can't help feeling that her attention is on other people now, and she just wants to get me out of her hair.

I would definitely talk to her about this. Tell her you feel pushed. I'm sure you're correct in saying she wants you to be happy. But if her approach isn't working for you, you guys ought to be able to talk it out.

Is this how things were with your parents? Hurry up and get over it and get out of my hair?

I don't want to feel bad, but I do. On some leve, I know this is really childish. But it's how i feel.

I know the feeling. It's not childish to want to feel special to someone you really care about. It can really hurt in the process

[mcl6136]

I had these feelings too ....about other cients of my old, cold, distant t...I think they related a lot to my sibling issues, which are huge, and my (now passed) father, who was....you guessed it....cold and distant too.

Where I guess I disagree is the whole "childish" thing.

Is it, in fact, childish to feel these things and KNOW them and reflect on them? I do not think this is childish at all! I think it might be childish to lay down, face down, and to wave our helpless arms and legs and tantrum about our feelings of jealousy, exclusion, throw things, spit out our food....You get the picture.

It strikes me as really incredibly mature to make note of these feelings, reflect, connect with others and write about them.

I say, go for it. On here and in therapy! Shining the light of day on these feelings is the only way that they will become understandable, manageable, and okay for us all.

Blessings,
MCL