Feeling Trapped

OMG. I've watched my word come from someone else right before my very eyes. You are living my life. My H controlls every dime. I know how hard it must be to take care of a family of 5 one one income. (not a lousy income either) My H saves every penny. He payed 13,000 CASH!!!!!CASH!!!!!for a truck. But you don't have money to buy school supplies. You can't spare enough for me to go to the dentist. I haven't been in 5 years. My H hords money for accidents. If he gets hurt on the job and can't work. In the meantime we go to a food bank for groceries while he goes out to eat because he doesn't like the food we have at home or is just to tired to heat something up when he gets home. He hates spending money for the T. I'm just waiting for him to stop paying this time around. It caused so many disagreements the last time around. He believes if he doesn't want me to go all he has to do is not pay for it. You can't pay you can't go.

You are lucky he is not physicially abusive I agree. That's all my husband says: I'm not so bad. I don't beat you, it looks like you aint missed to many meals, (I've gained a few lbs after 3 kids) and you live in a nice house. It takes alot more than that to make a marriage work. Hang in there. I applaud you for not giving up. I know how hard it is first hand to stay.

Not necessarily. I live with him so it's my problem no one elses.
I'm 'playing nice' with my husband but I'm not feeling close to him right now.

Don't feel like venting anger right now. I'm saving it for T.


Yes I know it's not my job to calm his anxiety but I get anxious when he's anxious and I start to go into into survival mode. I feel threatend on an emotional level and go back to 'what it was like' to make things right (begrudgingly). Much like it was for me as a child to avoid the uncomfortable feelings/emotions - surviving. My husband questioning my need for therapy or how long I find very threatening and therapy is whats keeping my mind and emotions going in a positive direction. If I didn't have that GOD only knows where I would be.

(((BigMomma))) My heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry your husband is being verbally abusive. Thankfully my husband isn't to that level of controlling. I hope things turn around for you soon.

Listenmoretalkless - I almost forgot. Thank you for the idea on getting my own credit card. I have one but it's in my husbands name and my name. In order for me to build credit of my own I need my own.... but not until I am employed. I am working on the employed part after school. I will need my own credit someday if I ever have to leave him. (not something I want to do but for practical reasons it's best to have my back covered JIC).

This would be really good stuff to work through in session.

Boundaries are also blocking other people's emotions from affecting us.

I can understand how hard that is, though, when it is someone who is close to us.

Do you ever state what is going on to your husband? Like "your anxiety is making me anxious and it is making me want to take care of you so that I can survive". I have always found being open like this when things are happening to be helpful.

I had to work through some stuff with my husband somewhat similar to this. My husband has a really strong personality and he is a boss professionally and he has really high standards for himself and others. For years I wasn't even aware of how I responded to him then I started being aware of how he put me on alert. And then I started talking to him about it when it happened. (He would come home from work and still be in that mode. I would start dinner and he would come home and help and he would be barking orders or be upset because I wasn't on his schedule. I just told him "hey, stop, switch gears when you come through the door please. This isn't your work place. I can't be perfect with schedules" - he is exact with schedules. He really was open to listening and changing his behavior. It worked the best for him when I would just tell him that something was a problem for me and leave it up to him to figure out what to do about it, so I wasn't telling him what to do.)

I really think that people need feedback on how they affect others. If they are not told they have no idea how they are affecting others.

geez, I think a credit card or a checking account with a debit card would be a great idea. I am 38 and just got my first credit card and my first checking account. Due to my inhome councelor being in my home it was safe to do so. She said to only use the credit card to book hotels for vacation or emergencies. She also said it would be helpful If I left or my husband left to be able to take care of the family needs with. That a court system may very well make him pay for the charges if they only pertain to the kids and household. I also got my first checking account. It has a debit which can be used like credit. I didn't get that because this is enough newness to me. If I didn't have a job this is the only credit card I could get. I did have a job at the time so I did get a credit card, then lost my job. Now all I need is a cell phone. My inhome suggests a track phone that way if I have to make a quick exit I can call her, or my parents or the police. Since I don't have a job a track phone is all I could have. The kind where you add min. when you need them. I could us change or bitrhday money.
Just something to thank about. I don't know if you have a cell phone or not.

Just a few thoughts......

I'm feeling a little more calm about it today. I feel like my self worth = $160 and my husband was questioning the value. I find that hurtful. Afterwords he did state that he just wants to know what he needs to budget (quell his anxiety in reality).

I know in his 'engineer' mind he's just worried about finances and for budgeting purposes he wants to know how much and for how long. I don't think he realizes that him quantifying the cost is playing roulette with my health and self esteem.

This morning he commented on how much he liked my T (T gave him a book about C-PTSD for him to read - a background book for him to understand what I'm dealing with etc... ).

In my appointment I kept saying things defensively in my tone and my T kept calling attention to it. She kept telling my husband: Did you noticed the defensive tone in her voice just now?

Another thing H said in the appointment was that "he new I was attached to my old therapist and liked her. I liked therapy."

My therapist then said:"yes she was attached to her old T and liked her and looked up to her. And yet she decided that even though she liked her T and enjoyed seeing her she knew that she wasn't getting what she needed for therapy at the end and she made the choice to move on to find another T that could help her - as hard as that was for her. That was a difficult choice for her. When Geez found me she thought that she would be doing a little bit of EMDR and be done in a short amount of time. That generally is not the case with C-PTSD."
................"And look at the changes geez made with the first T". I then told my husband there is no way I could have done that without the first t. I have goals/aspirations for my future. I'm taking care of myself physically and emotionally.

I'm so thankful for my T - past and present.

Thank you for the tip on using a credit card just for the kids and household expenses. I'll be sure to pass that onto a friend that may be heading down the road to divorce. That's a great way to track what the costs really are.

I do have a cell phone and it's funny because there are no issues with him paying that bill ( I wonder if it's because he can 'track me' with a fancy application called 'latitude' - we can track where we are ) I'm very fortunate that my husband doesn't gripe about most things but when his anxiety gets high watch out!!
Then everything is under attack. Today he asked about if I really needed a life insurance policy and how we could save that much more per month. Then an hour later he sends me an email for a 'tablet' of sorts (one of the touch screen contraptions like an ipad). Oh and I forgot to mention he though it would be a good gift for our 6yr old for his 7th birthday!?? Really??? Maybe I live in the dark ages but I don't think my son needs one of those. and for $200?? Really???

I just think it's somewhat comical and frustrating at the same time that he talks about us not spending money and he's shopping online for tablets.

Also I think it's funny how he talks about how proud of me he is to my T about me going back to school and yet the day before he was freaking out about the cost.

Sometimes I feel like I live with Dr Jekyl and a Mr. Hide.

I have only skimmed this thread because some of it is triggering for me - so I don't have a lot of useful observations. I do want to say that I can very much understand how painful this is for you, geez.

Yes, I'm sure you're right about this. Not necessarily easy to "feel" that it's true, but knowing it intellectually is important.

I'm very glad you have such a good T

Can you see how you are interpreting his actions this way? We all color our present with our past experiences. Can you see how his intensions can be different from your interpretations?

"I get it" but I'm really getting sick and tired of figuring out the difference between the two.

I'm also trying to show him/explain to him how what he says and how he says it does effect me.

My husband is an engineer too. He did not get therapy but he supported me. We were at dinner once, early on and I added up the cost of all my therapy I'd had in my life until then and estimated another couple years, etc. and jokingly asked him would he be willing to pay $50,000 (whatever number I came up with) to "save" me and he came back at me in a very intense way and let me know, "I'd give my last penny if I had to" :-)

One thing that helped me with our differences was realizing I am anxious and like to plan and he is spontaneous, doesn't think/plan things just deals with whatever comes up when it comes up. We have different "styles" and there's nothing right or wrong with either of our ways of being, that's just the way it is.

I would not take your husband's questions personally but would thank him for his concern, answer what ones I could the best I could ("I plan to be in therapy at least the next 2 years. . .") and let him be anxious and worried about money if that's what he does best. My husband does not worry but is an excellent money manager to my more liberal approach and we have a nice lifestyle because he is more "careful" and always pays off credit cards each month, etc.

I had a heck of a time a couple years ago getting him to trade in our two cars where neither of them were comfortable for both of us and buy a single used car that better met both our needs. Took me over two months! It was very frustrating for me. He can be very slow and careful where I understand things faster and don't need to ask as many questions. I have trouble reconciling in my own head how he can be so intelligent and yet not understand things that are "simple" to me It's just "him" and how he is, his style. I try not to take it personally, how he is does not reflect on me and my way of being/acting.

I got hugely triggered when H mentioned the cost of my therapy - because ex-T was kind of expensive - even though he was never ever talking about it in terms of "are you sure you need it". (In fact he never asked about it at all, in any way.) This is one reason I haven't told him I'm seeing a different T now, despite the fact that it doesn't actually cost me anything. Just mentioning this to show that reactions are not always rational.

Good. I admire you for doing that.

This is the work of healing, though. We grow up in a dysfunctional environment and learn all of these unhelpful things and have to work our way out of them one by one. Life gets better after we do this, though. These issues are what are causing our problems.

How is this going?

I have talked about other things but I have not touched on the subject of him quantifying the cost of therapy etc..