Therapist says: "I know you love me."

I have never told my therapist I love her. I do think I love her. Not in a sexual way, but in a "care for you" way. But I've never said the words "I love you." That just isn't my style, and plus I know it wouldn't be professional. I don't like breaking rules.

But my therapist has told me she knows that I love her...usually while helping me to see that I'm not evil or emotionally dead. She usually follows up by saying that she loves me too.

I think I have healthy boundaries and respect for the patient-client relationship. And she hasn't breached my boundaries, though she has done some things that skirt on the edge of professionalism. So is she doing a bad thing, telling me these things? How should I feel?

I don't think anyone can tell you how you should feel. Does it bother you when she says it?

I'm unsure of what to say. Do I admit she's right? But that seems like it would be inappropriate.

Usually I just nod my head.

You could tell her you're concerned that if you said she's right it would be inappropriate.

I don't think it is inappropriate.
I've often told my T I love her.

There is no "should" when it comes to feelings. I think the question is: how DO you feel? I think exploring that question-- and telling T how you feel (however that is) would be a very healthy and productive step to take.

The other implied question here seems to be whether it is "appropriate" for a client to tell their T that they love them, or vice versa. Personally, I see nothing wrong with this, as long as we are speaking about platonic "I care for you" love. I don't think it is ever "inappropriate" for a client to express how they feel-- if you love your T, that's a fact. That is not a boundary violation. You're not DOING anything to your T, nor are you asking her to DO anything in return. You are simply stating how you feel. Similarly, I think it is up to the discretion of the T to determine whether or not it is appropriate to say "I love you" to a client. I think age, gender, diagnosis, client history, etc. all come into play here. But, if it is clear that there is no erotic transference happening and that the client would feel comforted/cared for by this information (rather than overwhelmed/upset), I see nothing wrong there either.

Personally, I've told my T that I love her on a few different occasions. She has responded by saying that she cares for me-- that she loves working with me-- that I'm really sweet and genuine-- that I'm one of her favorite clients to work with, etc. I view these conversations as professional and as a necessary part of building the therapeutic alliance (for me). Feeling that I love/care for my T-- and that she loves/cares for me in return-- helps me feel safe so that I can do the "work" of therapy.

My therapist has said things like "...and for all of us who love you..." She is not only an amazing therapist, she is an amazing human being. So, the other day in my session she really helped me navigate something difficult, and I put my hands on my face like Macaulay Culkin did in Home Alone and said, "OMG, I just love you so much! Thank you for that." She got tickled that I was so happy and she said, "Oh and I love you, too." So, it would suffice to say that I don't think it's inappropriate for me or my therapist to exchange I-love-yous, but that's my opinion regarding myself and my therapist's relationship.

If one day you feel like you're not only comfortable with saying it back to her, but that you actually WANT to say it back to her, then I say go for it. No one can tell you what is or what is not best for you. Only you know what is best and comfortable for you. I do understand your hesitation, though. I try not to over think or over analyze the kindness, love, or care my therapist shows/gives to me. I just receive it and let it be a blessing to me and to my heart.

It sounds like an observation, not a a boundary crossing. My T has said he knows I consider him my rock, which for me is extremely accurate and to me very intimate really, probably moreso than that I love him. It is an observation, a very accurate one that he has come to by learning who I am over time. But I don't feel like he's telling me to do anything. I don't feel like he's saying anything that isn't spot on.

Do you feel this is maybe a boundary crossing because you have felt that way in the past with this T because of other situations you mentioned? If so, are they all connected in some way, or are you reacting uncertainly in this instance because the other incidents have confused you?

Perhaps you really need to have this discussion with your T. Your uncertainty about it may have more to do with your past than your T which would be entirely common. Either way, sounds like an opportunity for a learning moment.

I don't know what's normal and not normal in a therapeutic setting. I've always thought that my therapist has a rather unconventional method, but I don't think she's crossed my boundaries. She's just done things that she isn't *supposed* to do (expensive gifts, primarily). I don't feel bothered by the things she's done for me, but I don't know if this is a good indicator of anything. I don't feel bothered by a lot of things that I probably should feel bothered about. If I was a good arbiter of what's good and not good for me, I would not be in therapy.

I think if I admit to her that I love her, I'm afraid I'll look like a fool who's putting more stock in the relationship than is warranted. I don't see why she would love me. So why should I love her?

Seriously? expensive presents? Send them to me immediately!

I struggled with this, too, and still do sometimes. I've talked with several therapists about love and all have said that they do love their clients (at least ones that they really connect to) and it's completely normal for us to love them, particularly if the type of therapy they are doing with us is placing them in a parenting position. It is natural to love someone who is a parent to us and with whom we have an intimacy--my therapist has heard my "embarrassing" inner thoughts that I'd never share with others. More than just hearing what I say, the nonjudgmental, accepting, loving way she responds creates the intimacy. I've had a couple of therapists, including my present one, who said after I shared very painful things with them that they were honored that I shared with them. They recognize this and can love us for it in part because it is a special bond with them.

What hurts is precisely what you write above: the relationship means more to us than it does to them, but my T has said that it means a lot to her, more than I think sometimes. She also shared we can't quantify love. It's there or it isn't. My T has also said several times "I know that you love me." This was after I shared with her that I loved her, and sometimes she's said it in direct response to my saying "I love you."

I hope that this helps... I know that it's hard.

I think there are very few lonelier feelings than telling someone you love them and having their reply be "I know."

I totally agree. I wasn't so clear in what I wrote... she's said "I know" in response to me a few times (I've only said I love you a handful of times) but she followed up with "I love you, too" all but once. That once sucked and we talked about it...

okay, no, seriously, what is with the expensive gifts FROM T TO CLIENT?? red flag, anyone?

It just sounds like an observation to me, like farmergirl said. My t says it too, not in a bragging sort of way but as a statement of fact. Because it is. We say i love you to each other.
T gives us presents sometimes too, but nothing expensive. Unless you count her dog.... Hes pretty invaluable

yeah and give me her phone so she and I can consult long distance cause there are no expensive present givers in my remote and backwards rural location.

I was wondering why no one else said this.

We were busy trying to decide if we were jealous or freaked out. Or maybe that was just me.

Ohhhhhh

....sorry I'm a bit slow today.

In my case, I just thought reiterating the same question to a poster who hasn't been back to answer any questions for a bit seemed redundant. We'll see if she returns to solve the mystery.

I'm sorry. What questions have I not addressed? I wasn't intentionally ignoring you or anyone else.

I don't know what to say about the gifts. I know she's not supposed to give them, and she knows as well. But they were totally non-earth-shattering. Yet I'm scared to give details. What if I get her in trouble by being a blabbermouth? And I don't want ya'll to think she's a bad therapist.

Should I be freaked out or something? She said she'd bring me a souvenir from her vacation. Should I not accept it?

(I didn't mean to make anyone jealous. I'm sure my relationship is no different from anyone else's and I'm just making a big deal out of nothing.)

Sorry - you seem to keep changing your story: it's a big deal, it's not a big deal. I would say it's not a typical T relationship - gifts from T are not the norm. Expensive gifts from T are definitely not the norm. I'm not concerned with your T getting into trouble - I'm more with you being hurt because, as you say, you are not a good arbiter of what is and is not appropriate.

How long have you been seeing this person? Would it be possible to switch to someone else without too much upheaval? What are your options?

I've been going to her weekly for a little more than four years.

If the relationship is not "normal", does that mean it's bad? I think she is helping me. I think this because I feel better now than I did before.

I want to be a good patient and do the right thing for myself. I don't want to enable someone's "bad" behavior. But I also don't want to make a mountain over a molehill.

I don't form relationships. She's my first relationship outside of my family. This is why I'm not a good judge of what's going on. I just know what the "rules" say.

Honestly, I think it's as big of a deal as you make it. I don't see anything wrong with your relationship, but that's me. My therapist has done lots of things that would be considered "not typical", but it's just her way. Being motherly and loving is who she is. My first therapist brought me a souvenir keychain from her Disney vacation and I still have it on my keys. I just thought of it as a nice thing she did for me and was honored that she thought about me on her vacation. Like I said, I think the degree of how big of a deal this is really is dependent on how big or little of a deal you want to make it.

I think I understand better now. I was in a similar situation with my first therapist. She didn't give me gifts, but she did reduce the fee. I saw her for 8 years (with some breaks due to my work and other reasons). It doesn't sound like there is anything wrong going on in your situation. I would guess your family is also rather strict and follows rules? That's how mine is - as if the rules and family are more important than the actual people they were originally set up to protect. But in therapy, we can learn that the person is more important than simply, blindly following the rules. If you are doing better now than before, that is a good thing, no? I think you would know what is "too far". A therapy relationship CAN be more warm, like a friendship. It is a good place to practice how you would handle difficult conversations that would come up in a relationship. My parents do not handle anger or rebellion - do it their way "or else" - no compromise. Whereas you NEED to be able to compromise with a friend. Or ask for things without being afraid. I hope this helps.