[bluemountains]

Today I had my t appt. and all was sounding wonderful. My meds are working. My mood charts look good. According to T, I have looked wonderful for the past couple of appointments. I even spent some time discussing csa, an area I have avoided. She kept commenting on how well I am doing and how I must feel great. She even extended my appointment interval to three weeks instead of two as we have been meeting.
All was so rosy, that I didn't talk to her about a behavior on my list that I was prepared to disclose and is pretty disturbing. I won't go into details about the behavior, but I guess it would fall under the SI category.
T knows I won't call her, just a hang up I have, so she reminded me that I could email her if I needed her. As soon as I got home, I emailed her about the negative behavior. Now I feel like I have let myself, T, and my pdoc down. I really have been doing well. I feel stable and happy. It is just this one thing that I can't let go of. I wish now that I hadn't pressed *send* on the email. She won't read it until tomorrow when she goes to work, so now I have to feel miserable all evening wondering why I didn't just work on changing the behavior before my next appointment. I could then describe it in the past tense.
Now I have ruined a perfect appointment, and will probably appear needy again in T's eyes. I just can't get together as fast as I wish I could.
Bluemountains

Sometimes I've felt bad about 'letting T down' when she's thought I've been doing well, but she reminded me that she'd always rather have the truth. I think it's good that you were honest - and it doesn't have to take away from the great appointment you had or the progress you've made in other areas

[mcl6136]

can you give yourself a break? Seems like progress isn't always as linear or as rapid as we would like.

Me, I've blown whole T relationships, and I'm still willing to acknowledge that it's a few slow steps at a time. Your patterns were not formed overnight, so try to solve them in a way that is gentle and sustainable.

Hugs to you....and good for you regarding your honesty.

[kiki86]

i think you did the right thing telling her. therapy isn't about impressing or letting down the T. it's about being honest. and you were. she needs to have the full picture so she can support you effectively

Originally Posted by bluemountains

T knows I won't call her, just a hang up I have, so she reminded me that I could email her if I needed her. As soon as I got home, I emailed her about the negative behavior. Now I feel like I have let myself, T, and my pdoc down. I really have been doing well. I feel stable and happy. It is just this one thing that I can't let go of. I wish now that I hadn't pressed *send* on the email. She won't read it until tomorrow when she goes to work, so now I have to feel miserable all evening wondering why I didn't just work on changing the behavior before my next appointment. I could then describe it in the past tense.
Now I have ruined a perfect appointment, and will probably appear needy again in T's eyes. I just can't get together as fast as I wish I could.
Bluemountains

Its odd how I can see positive things in other people's stories but not in my own. Its only when you are stable like you are now...that you can work on these other issues. So T will see this as a positive thing!

Also, my T absolutely loves it when I email the stuff I can't get myself to say in session because we end up talking about it anyway in the next session...

So I see no negatives here. Now I have a coping mechanism that is unhealthy... I don't know if it would fit under SI... I was so ashamed of it when I told my T and he says that he doesn't try to get a client to eliminate a coping mechanism because its filling a need...he tries to get a client to talk about the feelings that make you need to do that. He says once you can talk about those feelings and can learn other ways to deal with them..the coping mechanism goes away...

[WikidPissah]

So frustrating waiting for a response isn't it.

[bluemountains]

Thanks, everyone. You are making me feel better. I don't think my T will want me to continue this behavior, it is actually quite dangerous and foolish-sorry for being so vague, but at the age of 51, I should be beyond such reckless behavior. I am sure she won't judge and will work through this with me, I just feel that after 9 months of therapy and pdoc appointments, I should be a little more sensible.
Bluemountains

[learning1]

Good for you for telling her. If it's a dangerous behavior, it must have been very difficult to tell her. If it's something you're struggling with and need support immediately, I hope you'll get it by posting more on here tonight if that'll help (not saying what the behavior is if you can't or don't want to, just for support in staying safe) or calling for help if it's urgent.

[KazzaX]

Well it is defintely easier to tell her about it in writing than face to face. But don't feel down on yourself. Now she knows about it, regardless of how she found out. So next session is all set, you can discuss it.

[ListenMoreTalkLess]

Originally Posted by bluemountains

I just feel that after 9 months of therapy and pdoc appointments, I should be a little more sensible.

That is a pretty big should. It seems to me that having such a difficulty in one area does not negate your progress in the other areas you mentioned. Progress is progress.

The should thing, though-- that'll kick you in the teeth. One thing that has really helped me recently in terms of developing healthier coping skills and dropping the less healthy ones is self acceptance. If I am accepting of using a less healthy strategy, it's much easier to give it up.

[bluemountains]

*Possible trigger, mention of sui.*

Originally Posted by bluemountains

Today I had my t appt. and all was sounding wonderful. My meds are working. My mood charts look good. According to T, I have looked wonderful for the past couple of appointments. I even spent some time discussing csa, an area I have avoided. She kept commenting on how well I am doing and how I must feel great. She even extended my appointment interval to three weeks instead of two as we have been meeting.
All was so rosy, that I didn't talk to her about a behavior on my list that I was prepared to disclose and is pretty disturbing. I won't go into details about the behavior, but I guess it would fall under the SI category.
T knows I won't call her, just a hang up I have, so she reminded me that I could email her if I needed her. As soon as I got home, I emailed her about the negative behavior. Now I feel like I have let myself, T, and my pdoc down. I really have been doing well. I feel stable and happy. It is just this one thing that I can't let go of. I wish now that I hadn't pressed *send* on the email. She won't read it until tomorrow when she goes to work, so now I have to feel miserable all evening wondering why I didn't just work on changing the behavior before my next appointment. I could then describe it in the past tense.
Now I have ruined a perfect appointment, and will probably appear needy again in T's eyes. I just can't get together as fast as I wish I could.
Bluemountains

I'm still waiting for an email reply. Either she hasn't read her email-a possibility because she is not consistent in doing so, she is contemplating what I said, wondering if I am being dramatic, she doesn't have time to deal with my problems-may be a possibility because she has lots of clients back-to-back, or she is so used to dealing with odd behavior that she doesn't consider me to be harmful to myself and we can put it off until the next meeting.
Perhaps, most of the above is true. I think I have scared myself enough after reading horror stories on the internet, that I will stop the behavior. Yesterday, after our discussion of sui, and why I don't need a plan anymore, I was too ashamed to discuss my negative behaviors even though I had them on my list to talk about.
I just feel that I need closure after yesterday's session, so that I feel better.
Bluemountains

[learning1]

Originally Posted by bluemountains

*Possible trigger, mention of sui.*


I'm still waiting for an email reply. Either she hasn't read her email-a possibility because she is not consistent in doing so, she is contemplating what I said, wondering if I am being dramatic, she doesn't have time to deal with my problems-may be a possibility because she has lots of clients back-to-back, or she is so used to dealing with odd behavior that she doesn't consider me to be harmful to myself and we can put it off until the next meeting.
Perhaps, most of the above is true. I think I have scared myself enough after reading horror stories on the internet, that I will stop the behavior. Yesterday, after our discussion of sui, and why I don't need a plan anymore, I was too ashamed to discuss my negative behaviors even though I had them on my list to talk about.
I just feel that I need closure after yesterday's session, so that I feel better.
Bluemountains

sounded like good advice from LMTL.

I just wondered if the behavior is dangerous if it would be a good idea to call her instead of waiting for an email?

I'm glad you think you'll stop whatever it is so your safe

[bluemountains]

*Trigger-mention of sui*

My t emailed me back. I'm a bit sad because this behavior falls under parasui. behavior. I have already addressed other incidences of this behavior, and thought I was under better control. Right now I am feeling overwhelmed with the number of habits I need to change. She offered an earlier appointment than my next scheduled one, but I emailed her back and told her that I would rather wait, but would contact her if the behavior continues.
Thanks for all of the support!
Bluemountains