wanted: pocket riders

((((((sawe)))))))

I'm so sorry you had such a hard session.

Those are the worst feelings in the WORLD to me. And I've felt them a lot. I remember sitting in T's office, no one speaking, the clock ticking, and just DROWNING in those feelings. I wanted nothing more than for the floor beneath me to open up and swallow me. Not one time, but MANY times over the course of therapy.

And then bringing the feelings home and stumbling through life weighted down by them. I wished I could wear a bag over my head.

And, truthfully, in the end, there must have been benefit to feeling all of that and getting through it. I learned that no matter how horrible I feel, my feelings will change. I learned that I can let myself feel the worst feelings, the ones I drank and cut and did whatever I could to run away from, and I could make it to the other side. I learned that while I was drowning in shame, the people around me stayed the same and didn't see the shame and didn't run away screaming.

This winter was the worst part of my therapy...it hurt so much and I didn't see how I would ever make it to the other side. It didn't seem like there could be ANY benefit to being in that much pain. But now it's summer, and I'm on the other side of it, and I can see how I've changed. Not little changes, BIG changes. It's hard to hang onto the new stuff sometimes, but I've experienced it, and I know it's real.

My "new" will be different from yours because my journey is different from yours, but you are on the road to something new and better.....and I can look back now from the other side and say that it was worth it. It will be worth it.

T used to tell me "You are NOT what you feel". You, sawe, are NOT that shame.

Thinking of you today

You process- that's good!! Me??? I only think about the good stuff and runaway from the stuff I should process- not so good!! At least your step ahead of me SAWE!

Is what you need to process something we can maybe help with?

I'm not a step ahead of anyone, karebear.

T is challenging some basic beliefs I have about myself, and I have to think about this for a while. I don't see that PC can help with that, none of you know me really. (Virtually yes, which i value a lot; but really - no)

now if you want to help me get up the courage to go in there again, after yesterday - i will call on you in a few days. many thanks!

And I'll be there to ride in the pocket!

I'll be there too, SAWE.

Nightsky... I rejoice for your healing every day, and you have so much wisdom... thank you for sharing with me. i am going to try to take in what you are telling me here.

it seems so far away.

if I am not what I feel (yr T says), and I am not what happened to me (T2 says), and I am not what I did (my pastor says), then I don't know what I AM. I must be in here somewhere. ?