[bounceback]

Yesterday was the second year anniversary of my father's death. I have been having a difficult time for the last few days because of it. I had my appointment yesterday and was in tears for most of the session. At the end I felt I could not leave nor did I want to because I knew I would just be more upset when I left. I did leave when I was supposed too but after I found myself angry at the stupid boundary besides being upset over my dad's passing. Why do they schedule back-to-back clients anyway? What is wrong with going over a little bit when someone is not doing well?

I so understand you. I've been having trouble with crying in therapy, or really at all over deeper issues - I cry at movies, etc., things unrelated to me. On Tuesday, I came closer than I ever have w/ my T to crying (we've been working together for 2 yrs and have a great, connected, open relationship). One of my fears about starting to cry is that if I do, I won't be able to stop. I was on the verge of tears and this time I thought they were really going to come and then she said that we had 8 minutes left. I get that she has a schedule to keep and this was just so important... I really like everything else about my T but this, so in the grand scheme of things one con for fifty pros is quite good, but part of me left angry at her. I did email her afterward and told her that part of me was angry at her even though I know that the time boundary can't change. She took it well and she asked me to think about how I could work within this boundary. While it still bugs me I guess it's a good lesson for boundaries in general and accepting things out of my control that I don't like and that will not change.

[Perna]

I'm sorry you are working on such a difficult experience, bounceback.

If we had all the time, it would be like money (you spend what you have) and would be harder to stay focused, make ourselves start and get what we need to say/do out before our time is up. The time limit helps us or we would not get frustrated/to the hard stuff and would not learn to contain it ourselves without that example.

[kiki86]

it does suck but i guess if T's didn't keep their boundaries with people then there'd always be a reason to have few extra minutes. and then with all those clients needing extra time, they'd never get home!

sorry about your dad's anniversary though, this must be a very tough time for you. x

[anilam]

Well, cause the client after you may need the T even more than you do. Who's to say who deserves to get extra time (and how much of it) from a T?
Personally I really appreciate my T's running on time and help him to keep it that way by always leaving on time. If I really need more time I try to get an extra appointment- couldn't you ask for one?

Anyway, sorry about your dad's anniversary.

[cmac13]

UGH! BOUNDARIES! I hate that word...it's there in therapy, but it's also there in real life in many relationships...Fortunately i have a therapist who works in private practice and has for over 40+ years so she bends them a bit. I posted some of this yesterday in another post but it applies to this issue. I have seen my therapist for over 20 years now. I see her once a week. There were times I saw her once a month but life changed and I am able to see her by choice every week. In the many years I have known her she has helped me to grow up...lacking much maternal support growing up and fending for myself emotionally has impacted me immensely. So with her help and guidance, I have been able to do so many positive things in my life I had never thought possible. She allows me to write letters to her between sessions if I feel it necessary and she allows phone calls in between sessions also (which I rarely do because I feel like then I am really bothering her) even though she reassures me that it is not a bother and she would let me know if she felt it was problematic. Her approach with me is different than her approach with many other clients. She has gone above and beyond my expectations when I am dealing with very early abandonment issues. She attends one event in public with me once a year because it is an event that she enjoys and she knows I enjoy. In fact we just had our "event" this past week. This has been going on for about 15 years. I never see her otherwise outside of my session. But I do feel awesome when she does this for me. I have asked her why she continues to do this for me and she always replies "I know how much it means to you" and she also says she likes it alot too. Just this week she let me know that she, in fact, on her day off attended my photo show with a friend of hers. I had kidded her a few weeks back that she should go and see it and she DID! WOW! and the exhibit is not close to where she lives. Made me feel great...my family never went to see my show but she did. So are we crossing boundaries or do I just have a perfectly wonderful caring therapist who gives me some "extra time"? I'd like to think it is the latter. As far as crying in a session and having a difficult time ending, she will keep me in her office 5-10 minutes longer if there is no client scheduled, this does not happen often and if there is a client scheduled she has called me later in the day to see if I was OK. But yeah it's hard when you do not feel ready to leave and you have to. I am fortunate to be able to call her for an extra session in the week if i am still having difficulties and she schedules me in if she can. if she can't she will talk on the phone with me for a little while. What you are dealing with is difficult, would writing to her between sessions help? does she allow that? I think the bottom line is we all want to feel cared for and validated for what we are feeling. I wish you peace...

[adel34]

Hi,
Sorry about your Dad!
I understand what you mean about boundaries! With my voice movement therapist, she's going through something right now. I don't know what it is, but she keeps saying she's very busy and with a lot on her plate and I just wish I could know what's going on and help her after all she's done for me. But I'm also glad she's inforcing this boundary, and keeping her private life private. This need to help her comes from the part of me that was always emotionally caring for my alcoholic mother up to very recently, and it would be not theraputic or right for her to allow that part of me to act that stuff out in our relationship.
Also, as I've just recently moved very far away from where I used to live, I wish often that she really were my mom and could come visit me in my new home and that I could call her whenever I wanted. I hate feeling this way, but she isn't bothered.
I agree with the last poster. I think we both have similar therapists. Mine will often go above and beyond to help me. Her love and dedication to me seem to have no limets.

[cmac13]

My therapists mother recently passed away and I so much wanted to comfort her is some way, like she does for me. But I know she needed to deal with her own issues around it privately. I did buy her a lilac bush to plant in her yard to honor her mom. She graciously accepted it and said she will plant it and remember her mom. How can I not want to step over the boundaries for all she does for me??

Sorry about your dad.