[Wren_]

Some questions on listening to think about (and hopefully share responses)

How important is it to have a therapist who listens?
What for you makes a good listener?
What makes a bad listener?
Do you think there's a difference in the listening skills required by a T and those required in friendships or other relationships?
Do you put any effort into being a good listener or learning how to listen more effective?
Do you think being listened to is a gift?
Is having someone listen to you something you feel you haven't had much of?
Do you find yourself often in the role of listener rather than listened to?

Anything else about listening you want to share ... I was just pondering listening as a communication skill and got overwhelmed by questions

[Perna]

I actually took a listening course in college; it was part of the "speech and communications" department and an upper level course. It was very interesting and I learned a great deal about myself.

I think the type or quality of listening a T does is different from the general norm; they are listening for and responding to different things than our friends, selves or others are and their listening does not seem "unconscious" like that our friends, relatives and ours does to me.

There are listening skills one can learn and practice just like there are writing skills:

http://www.taftcollege.edu/lrc/class...actlisten.html

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by tigergirl

How important is it to have a therapist who listens?

It is absolutely vital.

I agree that it's very important indeed that the therapist listens. If they don't listen I don't see how they can possibly be of any help. But it is possible to be a good listener without understanding what one hears - I have had Ts who listened very actively and seemed to hear everything I said, but it wasn't until I met current T that I really got a feeling that what I said was being understood.
One thing Ts who are good listeners do - in my experience - is ask about the things that are not actually being said. If they don't understand so well they might ask about irrelevant unsaid things, which can be rather frustrating...
My ex-T was actually quite a good listener - she just did not quite "get" me or my situation. Which was to a large degree due to me not communicating it very well, I should add. Anyway, I tried to identify the things she did so I could use it in my own work; I'm a teacher and do a lot of one-on-one supervision of students with very different backgrounds, and though I obviously don't talk to them about feelings or non-academic problems (well, unless they bring something up, but that is extremely rare) I feel that I have become better at what I do from experiencing things like paraphrasing and summarising done in a real conversation.

[sconnie892]

Tigergirl - what an interesting topic. Thank you for starting it. Like Perna, I took a listening class in college. It was part of our communications major.

Originally Posted by tigergirl

Some questions on listening to think about (and hopefully share responses)

How important is it to have a therapist who listens? Since I do talk-therapy, it is probably the most vital component of the relationship.
What for you makes a good listener? I think it is being able to completely listen to what the other person is saying without forming your own response while the other is talking.
What makes a bad listener? Interruptions is a big one for me as is not being able to paraphrase back what I just said.
Do you think there's a difference in the listening skills required by a T and those required in friendships or other relationships? Yes. I think Ts listen for different clues than friends. Ts are looking at the nonverbals and connect them with the verbals. Ts are also listening for what is not said.
Do you put any effort into being a good listener or learning how to listen more effective? I try to but I am not always good at it. As an introvert it is my natural tendency to listen instead of speak, but sometimes I get caught up in my response and forget to really listen.
Do you think being listened to is a gift? Yes. I've had so many instances where someone isn't hearing what I actually said, but what they wanted to hear. Being heard clearly is always a gift.
Is having someone listen to you something you feel you haven't had much of? Yes. It is one of the reasons I appreciate my t's listening skills so much.
Do you find yourself often in the role of listener rather than listened to? Yes! I have friends who tell me they like to tell me things because I listen. Introverted and patient. Slow to fly in with solutions. And I hate being interrupted, so I try not to interrupt people. I have friends tell me things and come to me for advice quite often.

Anything else about listening you want to share ... I was just pondering listening as a communication skill and got overwhelmed by questions

This really got me thinking about listening and the skills I learned in that college class. Thanks for posting!

[stopdog]

How important is it to have a therapist who listens?VEry. Right now most of the struggle is that I do not think the woman does listen
What for you makes a good listener? Someone who pays attention to what I say
What makes a bad listener?Someone who does not
Do you think there's a difference in the listening skills required by a T and those required in friendships or other relationships? yes
Do you put any effort into being a good listener or learning how to listen more effective?
yes
Do you think being listened to is a gift?not by a therapist - that is what they are paid to do - part of the job description
Is having someone listen to you something you feel you haven't had much of?yes, but I don't try that much in my personal life. I get listened to in general in my professional life
Do you find yourself often in the role of listener rather than listened to?In personal life - yes. In professional life - it splits up amongst roles and tasks

[geez]

Interesting thread tiger!

How important is it to have a therapist who listens?

VERY

What for you makes a good listener?

Good question and I'll be studying the link Perna posted.

What makes a bad listener?

Not being attentive to the person who's speaking.


Do you think there's a difference in the listening skills required by a T and those required in friendships or other relationships?

Most definitely. T's are really 'there' listening

Do you put any effort into being a good listener or learning how to listen more effective?

I'm going to be studying the link Perna posted. I do want to be a better listener.

Do you think being listened to is a gift?
Most definitely!

Is having someone listen to you something you feel you haven't had much of?

Growing up yes.


Do you find yourself often in the role of listener rather than listened to?

Sometimes.

[Wren_]

Originally Posted by Perna

I actually took a listening course in college; it was part of the "speech and communications" department and an upper level course. It was very interesting and I learned a great deal about myself.

I think the type or quality of listening a T does is different from the general norm; they are listening for and responding to different things than our friends, selves or others are and their listening does not seem "unconscious" like that our friends, relatives and ours does to me.

There are listening skills one can learn and practice just like there are writing skills:

Hi Perna, what did you learn about yourself from it ... can you remember? that's great you did the course I read through the link you attached and those are some of the things I know my T does with active listening. I've also found as you said that it's different when listening to someone else; I tried using active listening on two people and it was annoying them Perhaps it's more finding the balance of what's needed at any given time and building on our skills with both listening and being listened to

Originally Posted by can't explain

How important is it to have a therapist who listens?
It is absolutely vital.

Agreed, thanks

[Wren_]

Originally Posted by Apteryx

I agree that it's very important indeed that the therapist listens. If they don't listen I don't see how they can possibly be of any help. But it is possible to be a good listener without understanding what one hears - I have had Ts who listened very actively and seemed to hear everything I said, but it wasn't until I met current T that I really got a feeling that what I said was being understood.
One thing Ts who are good listeners do - in my experience - is ask about the things that are not actually being said. If they don't understand so well they might ask about irrelevant unsaid things, which can be rather frustrating...
My ex-T was actually quite a good listener - she just did not quite "get" me or my situation. Which was to a large degree due to me not communicating it very well, I should add. Anyway, I tried to identify the things she did so I could use it in my own work; I'm a teacher and do a lot of one-on-one supervision of students with very different backgrounds, and though I obviously don't talk to them about feelings or non-academic problems (well, unless they bring something up, but that is extremely rare) I feel that I have become better at what I do from experiencing things like paraphrasing and summarising done in a real conversation.

Thanks so much for this, it confirms something I've been thinking also ... that it is possible for someone to listen actively and also to really have a sense they are listening and with you but at the same time that they don't actually hear (understand) what you are saying. I'm glad your current T listens in a way where it goes beyond listening to understanding That's wonderful you've worked on your own listening skills as well

[learning1]

I put some of Sconnie's responses in here too so I could say stuff about them as well as TG's original questions.

How important is it to have a therapist who listens?

It's very important but also important for me to have a t who talks.

What for you makes a good listener? I think it is being able to completely listen to what the other person is saying without forming your own response while the other is talking.

I agree with what Sconnie said. However, hardly anyone does that and if I wait until the other person is done talking, think about my response, and then share it, I usually don't get a chance to say anything. As I've gotten older, I've gotten more comfortable with speaking more quickly, even though that's not my preference. I think being able to speak more quickly is important and it has advantages too.

What makes a bad listener? Interruptions is a big one for me as is not being able to paraphrase back what I just said.

Yeah, I hate interruptions. But they are part of the way most people communicate. Even people who listen slowly and carefully can't always tell if they're interrupting.

Do you think there's a difference in the listening skills required by a T and those required in friendships or other relationships?

I don't know, interesting question. I suppose I usually think the idea is to transfer the skills the t is modeling into real life relationships. Of course, in real life people don't have the responsibility to focus on me like the t does, so I don't expect them to focus on listening as much. But whether the skills the t uses are somehow different (other than just being used more intensely) than what is useful in real life relationships? I can't think of a reason they'd be different at the moment.


Do you put any effort into being a good listener or learning how to listen more effective?

Sometimes, but the more difficult thing is talking more rather than listening more.

Do you think being listened to is a gift?

Yes.


Is having someone listen to you something you feel you haven't had much of?

Yes

Do you find yourself often in the role of listener rather than listened to?
Yes and that happens a lot in therapy too. T and I have talked about that and I've tried asking, in various ways, if he'd talk less, at least four times over almost a year and a half. It hasn't worked yet. I wonder if he knows what he's doing or not. He says he's capable of being quiet for long periods of time. He said once he didn't say anything for a whole session with someone. He says it's easier for him to be talkative though.

[Wren_]

Sconnie, thanks for sharing that you've also done a listening class ; in a way it seems it would be useful if everyone did some kind of communication subject to better learn these skills. I suppose it really is part of a T's job to be a good listener and yet reading on pc it would seem that isn't the case often.

Geez I'm glad you are going to study that link as well it has some interesting things to say. Thanks for responding

Learning I like your comment about a T who listens and also talks, I prefer a balance of that also What you've said in your other comments is making me think a lot, thanks for that Especially about the role of interuptions and also transfering what we learn in T to real relationships, that seems to be what we are told sometimes and yet does it really work that smoothly? I wonder if your T is aware also of his tendency to overtalk

I find often when I'm listening I have a tendency to want to rush ahead and get to the point of a story. I also ask too many questions too soon; probably as a result of hearing a lot of long winded stories that trail all over the place and never get to where I was told they were going. Something (another thing) I need to work on