[healed84]

I have seen a lot of you talk about you and your Ts say I love you to each other. I am curious as to how that started? Who said it first? Was their a convo about it? I have to admit this is a strange concept for me to grasp.. I say I love you to my husband and my kids.. There are a handful of people who say it to me, but I don't respond back. I just couldn't imagine saying those words to my T or having him say them to me. So, I am interested to hear how that all comes about and what your feelings are about saying those words to your T or your T saying them to you??

My T has said this to me exactly twice in 7 1/2 years. The first time was a time when I had called him in a crisis after hours. He and I had talked for awhile and as we said good-bye he said it. It was just really natural and casual actually, kind of like you would say it to a family member. The second time was yesterday at the end of our "last" session. He asked for a hug and was telling me how proud he is of me and he said it again. This time I said it back; it was very real and heartfelt from both of us. We've been through a lot together and had a great respect and affection for each other as people.

[Chopin99]

T told me first. I was shocked when it came out of her mouth. I knew I already loved her on some level, but this helped create the bond and also triggered me in a way that brought out some of my issues to work on. We haven't said it that much to each other since, I've initiated saying it 3 times and she's initiated 3 times also. So we've told each other 7 times in 10 months.

What I will say though, is that her actions speak louder than words. She prays for each of her clients every day, specifically, for the issues they are having at the time. That says a lot to me. 20 clients, every issue, every day...that's a lot of prayer!! She tried to help me via email while she was out having chemo; in one of those emails, she told me, "People care about you, even when they're dealing with their own stuff."

I'm rambling, but my point is, sometimes, it doesn't have to be said. You just know. I think for the most part, T's are naturally loving people. To work in human services, it certainly helps. I dearly love the clients I used to be QP for. I even care about the SE clients who I haven't met because I've read their histories and I want them to succeed in their endeavors.

I hope this answers your question.

[autotelica]

The times my therapist has said it have been times when I have doubted my humanity.

I have never said those words. I have said "I care for you very much", but I have not allowed myself to say the l-word. I do love her, but it feels wrong to say out loud.

But my therapist isn't fazed. She tells me she knows I love her.

Yes, it weirds me out. But just because it's so ballsy of her. At first I thought it was inappropriate, but now I'm seeing it's no big thing.

[critterlady]

I can't imagine hearing my T say that to me. I think he knows I'd probably run screaming from the room.

[KazzaX]

In my country you get struck off the psych register if you say that sort of thing to a client. It sounds really creepy to me. Amazing how in other countries it is the norm! It is a strange, strange world!

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by KazzaX

In my country you get struck off the psych register if you say that sort of thing to a client. It sounds really creepy to me. Amazing how in other countries it is the norm! It is a strange, strange world!

I think that is sad.

[Butterflies Are Free]

My T first said this to me many years ago as a natural part of the conversation. I think she said something like, "Well, you know that I love you no matter what." I did not say it back even though I felt the same way. A few years later I was hugging my T goodbye and just said it. I say it maybe every 5 or 6 sessions and so does she. I feel like I am saying it to my mom or sister or aunt, even though I view my T as a therapist. We just care about each other as human beings and saying, "I love you" is just an expression of our connection. I guess it feels really nice because I know I will never regret not telling my T how I felt about her.

My T hasn't said it too me. I think we feel love for our T's because of they make us feel inside. A t has their life already, their needs are met outside the therapy arena so their emotions are for a client one of respect and admiration. We enter therapy needing so much that feelings of love will grow for us. But if we are expecting some sort of muture love-in it's not going to happen nor should it.

[kiki86]

where are you from KazzaX. Because i think where I am it would also be considered deeply inappropriate.

Originally Posted by KazzaX

In my country you get struck off the psych register if you say that sort of thing to a client. It sounds really creepy to me. Amazing how in other countries it is the norm! It is a strange, strange world!

Yep, that's true in Sweden, too. Though it's made more complicated by the fact that the phrase in Swedish does not have exactly the same usage and commotations as the English phrase - you don't say "I love you" in Swedish to individuals outside your family, unless you have a strong romantic interest in them. Well, you can say it to small children, too.

But I cannot imagine an English-speaking T (like mine) saying it either. It would be deeply inappropriate. (And I obviously don't think that's sad, because it's how the language works for me.)

There is a difference, by the way, in the use of "I love you" in different English-speaking countries. In the US it is much more frequently used with friends and people you simply like very much, compared to for instance the UK. I could write a lot about this, but won't

[anilam]

Originally Posted by Apteryx

Yep, that's true in Sweden, too. Though it's made more complicated by the fact that the phrase in Swedish does not have exactly the same usage and commotations as the English phrase - you don't say "I love you" in Swedish to individuals outside your family, unless you have a strong romantic interest in them. Well, you can say it to small children, too.

But I cannot imagine an English-speaking T (like mine) saying it either. It would be deeply inappropriate. (And I obviously don't think that's sad, because it's how the language works for me.)

There is a difference, by the way, in the use of "I love you" in different English-speaking countries. In the US it is much more frequently used with friends and people you simply like very much, compared to for instance the UK. I could write a lot about this, but won't

Exactly- when I say I "love" someone it bears a sexual connotation. Same goes for my second language but it's a bit weaker and I can "love" my parents/kids/pets- use the verb to show my strong emotional attachment to them only when there's absolutely no possibility of some sexual feelings. So I cannot say I love you to my best friend...
We use I like you instead so I've applied it to this case and no I've never told my T I liked him- only that I appreciate the things he's doing for me. I just don't feel it- I know him only in one of his social roles so how can I. It always surprises me when ppl feel towards their T that way.

I would love my t to say I love you but not in the way that you all mean the unconditional love but when I say I love you it is reserved for that someone very special not my T....But that is just my opinion, its not for everyone

Sayng i love you in swedish is such a pretty phrase. I used to say it to my girls in swedish all the time when they were small.... When we spoke swedish frequently at home. Makes me miss their baby days....

W started saying i love you to t a couple years ago. At first shed reply with " thats such a nicething to say" and eventually she started saying i love you too. Im not sure when the switch took place.now we say it to each other all the time.

It is interesting to hear the various connotations from other countries and all. Something many of us don't even give a second thought. And Earthmama saying it can't be a "mature" love doesn't hold true in my experience either. I can say I love you to my friends and my family and it be quite a "mature" love, at least by my perspective. I don't have mommy or daddy issues with my T, so when it is said in T context it just means something like "I care a lot about you" or "I appreciate my relationship with you", although those seem flimsy translations that don't quite reflect the depth of feeling. Neither are immature expressions of feeling; they are just feeling.

I was thinking about this some more, this whole idea of "I love you" having such different connotations to people from various countries/cultures, etc. The other thing that came to mind at least in my experience is that I grew up in a culture of "family", where pretty much anyone in my support system is considered "family". I'm not sure if that is a southern thing, or maybe for me it is tied somewhat to my religious upbringing. Church was/is a huge aspect of my life -- not just a Sunday thing, but those people I grew up going to church with were also "family", my support, and I remember the "I love you's" flowing very openly and freely and sincerely. My parents also have kept lifelong friends who were "family" to all of us from my earliest memories and it was normal to hug and say "I love you" all the time. And the fact that we said those words so comfortably did not lessen the strength behind those words; actually I think it made them all the more meaningul. In fact, my sister and I just visited with members of that "family" of friends as their father just passed and we were paying our regards, and sure enough, those words passed among us as naturally as breathing. I hadn't thought about that until just now.

So, as my T's are an important part of that support network in my life, saying "I love you" just seems the natural thing to do I guess, and as T comes from pretty much the same cultural/religious/familial background as I do, his saying those words also just seems a natural extension of our supportive relationship.

Sorry, just musing here. I just find all the variations of definition kind of fascinating.

Remember that movie Steel Magnolias about the deep friendship between a group of women in the South? I love the line that Olympia Dukakis says to Shirley MacClaine in that really intense graveyard scene: "You know I love you more than my luggage." Still makes me laugh and really said it all. Great movie about love between friends.

Farmgirl, I meant mutal. As you say it depends on ones idea of what they mean by love. But over here in the uk it's not said.

[stopdog]

I am from the south and sort of get the family thing with friends. But we were not much of a huggy /verbally effusive family to begin with, and although I was pretty much the least huggy of my immediate family, none of us were especially demonstrative verbally or physically. I rarely use the phrase "I love you" to people in my real life, let alone a professional relationship. And to have the therapist say it to me would seriously wig me out. But to those who say it and like hearing it, I am glad it is good for you.

[Butterflies Are Free]

I guess my perspective is a little bit different. I feel that life is too precious to not say those words if you mean them and are comfortable with them. I know that it does not work for everyone. I have had similar experiences like farmergirl where my family/friends/church were very open both verbally and with affection(non-sexual). Great post!

Originally Posted by earthmamma

Farmgirl, I meant mutal. As you say it depends on ones idea of what they mean by love. But over here in the uk it's not said.

Mature vs. mutual. Definite difference there. Was your technology auto-correcting for you? I hate that feature on my Kindle; finally learned how to turn it off.

[pbutton]

I said "I like you" to T1 in my last session & immediately after that I started to get the head rush/panic feeling. Good times.

[stopdog]

I guess I don't see how the need or desire to say it or hear it comes up all that often. When my partner, a much more effusive person than I (although I suppose sometimes a stick could be described as such) says "I love you" to me at odd times, I don't fully get why she was so moved to announce it. I have learned not to say "why are you telling me that now" but I don't really get it. I assume she loves me until she gives notice of some change in affection. I told her I love her, and, unless things change, do not know why that is insufficient.

[unaluna]

stopdog, you just crack me up!

Even tho my T is just a few years older than I am - hmm, well, I am 60 and he is a very fit 67, really, like those new men's pills on tv, humma humma! - what was the question again?

oh yeah. but it feels like there is a generation between us, cos he has kids and did other mature adult things that I never did, and probably never will. So exchanging I love you's after a session feels like it's between father and daughter, familial or collegial - his brother and daughter are in the field, as is my brother. Something I would like to share with my brother, but he won't allow it. He says I "only have book knowledge".

[critterlady]

I love different people different ways, but sadly, English doesn't really have different words that equate to those different feelings, so I stick with love to describe them all. There's romantic love, there's platonic love, there's love you have for your parents, children, other family members, friends, even animals.

I say "I love you" to my pets all the time. I have an extremely close friend with whom I exchange expressions of love every night by text. I have other friends I love, too, although we're not as close and we don't usually express it that way.

If T said it to me, it would require a boatload of explanation as to exactly how he loved me, which would really take away from the simplicity of the statement. So, I'd probably get a little freaked out if he did say it.

[skeksi]

I would also be freaked if T said it. But I know he feels it, and so do I.